In an ideal world everyone would wait until they are married to have s.e.x. All s.e.x would be govt approved and God sanctified and everyone who wasnt married wouldnt even think about s.e.x...much less engage in it.
Yeah....right...this isnt an ideal world by far.
When it comes to unmarried s.e.x Im torn between not wanting my kids to engage in it of course...but knowing full well that they are human, after all, and no ones's perfect. The most I can do is advise them of all the pitfalls and potential for harm...and watch them walk out the door hoping some of what I said sunk in.
I have to admit though that when it comes to s.e.x in and of itself Im not one to judge a person who has led a sexual life before marriage as ruined or promiscuous etc...s.e.x is one of our basic needs along with food and water and to deny it to ourselves when the urge hits is quite difficult as anyone who has possibly been "caught up in the moment" can attest to. Of course it would be better for us not to even approach a situation in which s/e/x could possibly happen...but thats not always something we leave the house thinking about but possibly find ourselves facing before the day is over....for whatever reason. Ive done many things in my life Im not proud of and wish I hadnt done...so Im in no position to point a finger at someone else and call them immoral...weak...whatever.
Some people do find ways to get past the moment without "failing morally" while others dont even try....and some just arent capable of making that choice...the choice to say NO!!! because of how they were raised or the things they have suffered in their lives. Victims are routinely silenced and held accountable for what happens to them...consequently if the situation arises again in which they are about to be made a victim...quite often they can no more open their mouths and say NO this time when they DO have a choice...then when they didnt...understand?
I will give you a "for instance" just so you get where Im coming from.
I was raised by my father to never question his authority. Besides the abuse he rained down on my head on a daily basis...he also had me do some very dangerous things (another post Im sure)...things no young girl (or I dare say young boy) would ever engage in on her own free will...but of which I did without questioning my own safety...merely because my father left me no choice. I literally did NOT have a choice as to whether I would do it or not....as in...
My whole family went camping one summer in the Rocky Mountains. I was about 11 at the time. My father was fishing in a fast moving river and his line got stuck. He was in the habit of using very expensive lures etc in hopes of catching a fish (he was a very bad fisherman) and when his line got stuck he was thoroughly pissed off at the thought of losing it...so he did what any father would do...ordered his 11 year old daughter into the fast moving river to retrieve his line. Not only was the water extremely cold (Summer had just started) but the rocks were slimy and slippery and the water was chest high...but I didnt even hesitate and in I plunged. To NOT go into the water never even crossed my mind because to refuse would have just resulted in father hitting me to some degree...then picking me up and throwing me in the water anyways...so where was my choice? I had none...in I went. Needless to say I was nearly swept away in the fast moving water time and again...and yet my fathers only concern was that I had "better not drop the lure" or dont even think about coming out of the water...sigh!
This is only one of many many incidents in which he endangered my life and in which I had no say whatsoever in my own safety....in fact, the ability to say NO never even occurred to me...not even in my head. I was trained from an early age to just DO...and dont think or hesitate. That "dont question authority" is pretty much how I ended up married to the abusive man I did...simply because I felt I had no ability...no awareness of my own right to say ...NO!...I dont want to marry you. A man was telling me "lets get married"...so get married we did...the end.
So I have complete sympathy for people who say "I couldnt say NO" cause Ive been there...I understand. Sometimes we can sit back and say we would have done it differently...we would have said this or acted like that or whatever...but unless you have been a victim...unless you can stand in his or her shoes and say "I know what you mean...I understand how you feel"...then you cant stand there and point a finger at him or her and say "how could you do that...why didnt you just say NO?".
Some of us just cant say NO...instinctively we KNOW its wrong..or that we can be hurt...or that others will make us feel ashamed...or nobody will ever understand or care or listen or sympathize or forgive us....we know all that...and yet we still cannot say NO...
It takes a very strong person to overcome childhood conditioning...believe me I have walked that path myself. Much of the troubles I have had in my life I have brought upon myself simply because I could not say NO...and people took advantage of that fact...and I let them. It took me 40 years to reach this point where I do have the ability to refuse...to reject...to look someone in the eye and say NO...I wont do that...and its my right to refuse to...and then walk away. Ofcourse this doesnt just pertain to s.e.x...the inability to say NO refers to anything that you dont really want to do but feel you have no choice in...even if it means a co-worker asking you to do a job thats not yours...or a neighbor asking you to watch her pet while she's gone and you feel you cant say no...or your spouse telling you to do something you dont feel comfortable doing but dont believe you can refuse. We all have the right to refuse...to decline...to shake our head in the negative...to say firmly and loudly...NO!!! but not all of us are capable of doing it for various reasons.
For those that havent yet found their voice...their strength...their right to autonomy...my sympathies are with you...and I will support you...and will never judge you or turn my back on you. People have used and abused each other since the dawn of man and we suffer physically, mentally and spiritually because of it...because of that abuse...so why do we compound that misery and suffering by throwing recriminations, accusations and judgment into the face of those that have suffered from abuse?
Why do we finger point and name call when it could very well be one of us some day...forced to be a victim in some way...having that complete and utter feeling of helplessness and complete loss of control wash over us as someone else takes our self respect and self esteem and tramples it in the dust...without so much as an apology or a look back in regret?
As a former victim....Ive been there...I understand. I sympathize and support you...just give me a chance to prove it.