Working in this store has given me the opportunity to meet and get to know quite a variety of different people. Some are familiar favorites that I look forward to seeing each night and wonder where they are when I don't. Others are those that drop in once a week and spend a few minutes catching up. All in all MOST of the people that come through the store are regulars for the most part...with the few exceptions...those that are travelling through and stopping to freshen and gas up...and those that have come to specifically to rob the store.
Last night 3 such people showed up at the store while I was there alone.
In life we are all afraid of something. If it be heights, sharks, spiders, or elevators..whatever it is we are affected the same way. Fear takes over and coherent thoughts vanish. Somethings you don't even know your afraid until your faced with it. Last night I was faced with the very real fear that my children could be left orphans...without even one parent to care for them and love them and be there for them. Last night I was forced to face the fact that Tomorrow Is Promised To No One.
In the 6 months Ive been working in this store Ive had to deal with a few customers that got my radar going and heartbeat skipping just a little more than usual. Not for anything he did specifically to ME, just the way he (so far its always been a he) acted while moving about the store etc. Up until last night all those fears were groundless and the shift continued without incident. Last night fleeting thoughts of whether or not I was going to be able to finish my shift and go home to my kids skittered through my mind as I faced these 3 men who had come to impact my life in ways they apparently could careless about. During that 20 min they were in the store...my heart thundered so hard in my chest I felt it would actually burst out of it...my throat closed up so that I was unable to swallow..if there had been any spit to swallow...and my mind was a blur of thoughts skating across the surface of my fear like lightening bugs...quick and hot.
I don't want to go into too much detail about what went on simply because it still freaks me out to think about it...suffice to say...I don't wish to repeat the experience under any circumstances. When I finally got the chance to call the police I felt help was close at hand and that helped calm me down and let me focus on what I was telling the dispatcher...details of them and the car etc...so when they ran out the door the relief I felt very nearly caused me to collapse. I guess that was when I let out the breath I had been seemingly holding forever.
NOW, imagine my surprise and eventual anger at the fact that the cops NEVER showed up. Nope. Spent the rest of the shift looking over my shoulder, expecting the worst and waiting anxiously for the cops to show up. Never happened.
Serve and Protect my ass.
IF that wasn't the bad enough people...check this out. THOSE SAME 3 MEN CAME BACK TO THE STORE TONIGHT TO ROB IT AGAIN!!!
I know right. How lucky am I??? *sigh*
This time I didn't waste time calling the police. This time they actually came. This time the men were caught down the street and arrested. This time my heart took less time to slow down and anger took its place.
The simple fact people is that I could have died last night. Cops didn't come so I could have lain on the floor until some customer came or the morning shift showed up. I could have lain there while my kids waited for me at home wondering where I was. I could have...but I didn't.
Tonight had a better outcome by far but I still felt fear....and for that I'm so damn pissed off I cant even think straight. I'm so sick to death of people coming into my life intent on hurting me in some way. Some of those people were supposed to love me..some of those people hated me...and now some of those people don't even know me and couldn't care less how they affected my life at all but were quite happy to do so anyways.
I'm so angry. I feel so helpless. I want to hurt something back. I want to scream and cry and break things into lots of pieces. I want to rage at everything...and nothing.
I'm so angry. On top of the anger Ive been living with this past few years..this could be my undoing people. When does the shit end for gods sake? Is is possible to live your life as well as you can, doing the best you can, without a man (or 3) coming along to fuck you up in some way?