Sunday, September 26, 2010

Don't Ask Don't Tell...a letter to the paper

I will be the first to admit I know very little about the political process and what is required to make a law a law...or to reject a proposed one etc., but I do know what "separation of church and state" means and I do know that BECAUSE of separation of church and state, religion shouldn't play any part in law making in THIS country based on that fact.
I know...try telling THAT to the Christians. *sigh*
Now, due in part to my boring night job, and my new found interest in my politics class...I have been reading the paper more in hopes that all that is confusing will become more clear.
I chanced upon this letter in yesterday's Casper Star Tribune (I'm starting to see a trend here) and it really made my blood boil. (another crappy pic, sorry) Now, according to this gentleman (and I use the term in the loosest possible way) he is quite happy that the Don't Ask/Don't Tell rule in the military was upheld. According to him, the military is NO place for homosexuals anyhow.
In case it's too small to read (I'm sure) his words are, "I am a veteran who shared open showers. It is uncomfortable knowing of a gay man showering in the same 12 shower room. If heterosexual soldiers are attracted to females and forbidden to shower with them, how could it be acceptable for a gay soldier, attracted to men, to be allowed to share showers with other male soldiers?"
Now here's what I'm thinking...see if this makes sense. Gay men are attracted to...oh say...OTHER gay men. If YOU are not gay, chances are other gay men will know it and not bother themselves checking out your "goods". Having said that...who the fuck cares if they do check out your have been subjecting women to the lecherous male gaze since the beginning of time so why cry foul at the very thought that it might get turned on them in some way?
Not to mention, chances are this particular man shared many many showers with gay men while in the military...and just didn't know it. You know why he didn't know it? Cause gay men look just like everyone else...naked..and with their clothes on too for the most part. Also, as far as I men don't make it a point to proclaim their homosexuality while in showers with 12 other men. Just doesn't sound like "good manners"...or even safe for him to do.
This man also goes on to claim that allowing gays in the military (as if there aren't any right now) would require "separate showers, bathing schedules, and living quarters". He claims then gays would claim "discrimination". Ya think?
My question is...why would it require those things? A gay man is still a man...still got the penis and absence of breasts (generally speaking) so he is, in fact, still male...he just happens to like males and not females. How does that translate into requiring separate everything to accommodate them?
His last line is quite the doozy actually. It's the one that really pissed me off. He says...and I QUOTE, "If they don't announce their homosexuality, then I won't announce my heterosexuality."
I was like...huh?
You just announced you heterosexuality by writing this letter. You announced it by declaring NOT being a heterosexual is somehow wrong. Heterosexuals announce it every single time they try (or do) pass a law that makes being hetero the norm and being gay abnormal. By allowing religious thought to invade our political process to the extent that laws are formed and enforced based on some biblical proclamation that being gay is wrong and deserving of punishment is DECLARING your heterosexuality every single day and forcing that declaration down the throat of every citizen of this country whether they like it or not.
Heterosexual Christians (of which this particular writer doesn't claim to be a Christian but I sort of read it in there...maybe that's just me) believe they have the God given right to enforce their ideas of what is normal and what is sinful onto the rest of us...and by prohibiting gay soldiers from declaring themselves as gay...they are, in fact forcing govt to accept church into every little facet of the political process.
To me that sounds anti American govt. Why do we allow it to happen? Why have we allowed Christians to take over the law making decisions of this country when clearly not everyone who lives and are forced to obey those same laws are not Christian and probably don't believe the same things that the Bible claims is true?
If the American Constitution declares that there will be "separation of church and state"...and we are governed by that constitution...why do we have laws that make being gay illegal? Or somehow sinful? Or that forbid them certain rights that heteros enjoy? or? or? or?
Possibly I still have a lot to learn about politics but could someone explain this to me....I'm not getting it.
btw..back to this ex-veteran..he is a homophobe...and THOSE are the sorts of men that shouldn't be allowed in the military...wonder how many of them are though?
grrr...for some reason my paragraphs won't ....paragraph...sorry for the looooong "paragraph"

Saturday, September 25, 2010

Religious Satire?

This was in our local Caspar Star Tribune yesterday. Sorry for the bad quality but I had to take a pic with my phone. At the moment I just want to hear some comments from you guys. See what you think as to whether this is an accurate representation of both religious communities or not.
My short answer? Yes....and NO.
What do you think?
btw I forgot to note the artists name and now its rather hard to see down there but Im sure someone can make it out who has better vision than I do.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Yaaay!!! I'm a citizen!!!

Today in our government class our instructor sprung a pop quiz on us. I passed it (yay) but what was more surprising to me are the number of students that didn't. From our class of around 30, the show of hands indicated at least 23 did not pass...and the rest of us by just one or two answers.

What was this pop quiz that saw so many failures you ask? It was the exam given to would be U.S. citizen hopefuls before they can precede on to the next step of swearing their oath of allegiance. It consists of 10 questions and at least 6 must be right in order to pass. I got 7 right....and this actually surprised me because it has been a very long time since I sat in a govt. class...much less thought about any of those subjects asked about. I was even more surprised that those high numbers that failed in our class were mainly younger students that probably had govt. classes within the past 2 or 3 years...not to mention some of those questions were pretty basic information.

Shades of Jay Leno's stupid Americans segment came to mind...seriously...very sad.'s the questions we were asked. I want you guys to answer the questions as best you can...WITHOUT googling (yeah that means YOU) just to see how "American" you are and to judge whether or not you could pass the same test would be Americans have to pass to be considered American citizen criteria.

Try not to look at other people's answers least not until you hit submit. I won't put the answers until some people have had a go.

1. What stops one branch of government from becoming too powerful.

2. How many amendments to the constitution are there?

3. How many House of Representatives have the power to vote?

4. What are the rights of a U.S. citizen?

5. Who has the right to vote?

6. Who is one of the 3 authors of the Federalist Papers?

7. What territory did the U.S. buy from France?

8. Who was the president during WWI?

9. Name one of the territories of the U.S.?

10. Why does the flag have 13 stripes?

Just so you know, I missed #'s 3, 6, ad 8...which I thought wasn't too bad. How well can you do?

Have fun...remember...NO cheating!!!

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Coolred and the year on.

Can anyone remember what they were doing one year ago from today? For most of us that wouldn't be easy, too much going on in life to remember what we had for lunch last week much less a year ago. However, when something truly momentous is going on...well that makes it somewhat easier to recall certain details.

For those unenlightened as to the finer details of my recent past...go read this ....and then a little more here just to get all caught up, more or less.

Go on...I'll wait. *listening to Amy Winehouse*

So, you up to speed now? Good. My children and I arrived back on American shores one year ago today (OK on the 20th but we left on the 19th and Ive got homework to do so this is being typed in between Spanish and Pyschology) and to say that the past year has been just as eventful as the lead up to us arriving here is a misnomer. It's been one roller coaster ride after another...with no end it sight.

I thought I would do this post sort of in a "the year that was" kind of thing with some updates as well. I want those that contributed good wishes and hard earned money to hopefully realize they helped put a family on the road to a very different life...and definitely for the better as far as I'm concerned.

Well let's see. One of the hardest things for me to get straight in my mind every single day of my life that I REALLY am here. I wake up in the morning...go to college or work or the mall...spend the day doing my thing...then lay in my bed at night and ask myself the same thing again and again..."am I really here?" The answer is always yes...but it doesn't make it any easier to believe.

For 23 years while living in Bahrain I dreamed of coming home and STAYING home. Several times I did find myself in the states again, but circumstances prevented me from staying beyond a visit (another post there I suppose), mainly the fact that my children were still over there. There was never really any choice in the matter. Where they were is where I had to be...simple. I could never make the final move to America unless and until ALL my children were with me. This, of course, meant I made several trips back and forth over the years, but never with the understanding that THIS time I was staying for good. In the back of my mind was always the "return date" to head back to Bahrain. I guess my dream was, in travel to America and have NO return date on my ticket. A one way ticket in other words. Obviously that finally happened and here we year on.

I suppose I could do a post full of links to certain events this past year but that would be a pain for me ( I have yet to learn how to link without much hair blog is the worst for it I know) so instead I will just do some highlights of the past and updates of the present and some wishful thinking for the future possibly. Here goes.

1. Kids and I arrived tired, travel worn, and rather wrung out after that truly monumental 23 hour combined flight and layover.

2. Stayed with an old school friend of mine for 2 months while we sorted ourselves out. She was a true friend by giving us a place to stay when we got here...without which I would have hesitated to even make the trip in the first place. Having said that...11 people in a trailer does tend to cause stress and hurt feelings. We did OK considering the forced closeness and differences my kids had to get use to.

3. I managed to get a job working in a gas station/convenience store fairly quickly. I have quite a few posts in the archives detailing interesting customers and what not...there's even a post about 3 men coming in and robbing me...then returning the next day as if nothing happened. Still mad about the police not showing up when I called them. grrrr!!!

4. My 2 high school kids settled in fairly easily tho there were some incidents of name calling..."terrorists" was thrown at them a few times but the principle of the school sorted that out right away and things settled down. My son, Zack graduated later that year with near perfect marks. Not bad considering the upheaval he endured at the start of his senior year, not to mention having ALL his classes in English for the first time ever. He is one smart cookie. Handsome too. Anyone need a smart handsome about 5 to 10 years? LOL

5. I bought a new (old) car in late Nov. as I had been forced to walk across town to get to work after we moved into our apartment at last. My feet were just not happy to accept a 2 hour walk ahead of an 8 hour shift...I was forced to buy the car before they mutinied completely on me. Less than 2 weeks later I was coming home from work at midnight and was struck by a teenage drunk driver. Thankfully I wasn't hurt too bad but he didn't have his seat belt on and suffered some serious injuries. The consequences from that accident have been serious and on going...something I'm still dealing with no end in sight just yet. *ugh*

6. I made the decision to enroll in college for the Spring '10 semester as it was something I have always wanted to do but never got the chance. I was rather hesitant considering my age and how long it's been since I sat in a classroom but felt the only thing stopping me was ME...and went ahead and signed up. At the moment I'm focusing on Psychology and Journalism majors...but nothing set in stone just yet. I see so many interesting classes I would like to take...and am considering the option of making a career out of being a college student. LOL The first semester was hectic juggling work, kids and college. I felt at times I wanted to either quit work and focus on college (if I could afford too *sigh*) or quit college and just live my life as it was. Quitting the kids wasn't an option so they were stuck with me. I eventually sorted myself out and got everything done. I even managed to finish that first semester on the Deans List. woot woot!! I've started my second semester and so far, the way things are going, I will enjoy my 5 mins on the Deans List and consider it a fluke. Spanish is HARD!!! *ugh*

Oh yes, my two oldest kids also joined me at college and so it was a family affair. We all managed to finish our first semester on the Deans List soooo yay us.

7. My best friend from Bahrain came to visit me twice so far. Once by herself and once with her children over the summer. Her second visit coincided with my mother coming to visit as well. Those couple of weeks had their ups and downs but we had some fun. I noticed my kids were very happy to see her...I guess she brought a "touch of Bahrain" with her...and reminded them of who they are. (as if they could forget) She is just about the only family they still have over there...and she isn't even related by blood....just by love...and that's fine with us.

8. One by one the older kids have all found jobs and so we are scratching by...doing OK. I can't complain but if I could have a home to call our own...that would be icing on the cake. Living in an apartment has many of which is that the local cops consider this their "donut shop" and spend copious amounts of time here for various reasons. I would just like to have a permanent home and decorate accordingly...with a dog in the front yard and a swing in the back.

9. My daughter has decided it's time to get married and so is busy making plans to get that process done. Hard to believe my "baby" is all grown up and taking the marital plunge. If it were up to me I would forbid her to marry...I'm somewhat jaded in that area...but it's not up to me and I can't put my animosity for all things marriage related off on her. I hope she is happy and content. That's all I can say.

Oh yes...he better be good to her...I can wield a mean baseball bat when pushed. I'm just saying.

So that's it pretty much. I could give you all the nitty gritty details (and there are some of course...maybe for another time?) but basically we are busy getting on with it. Right now my oldest son and I are combining college and full time work...daughter will join us again as soon as she gets this little marriage thing out of the way...LOL. Rest of the kids are doing their thing and we are taking it day by day.

Again I want to reiterate that I wish for those people who helped us get here and thus changed our lives (for better I hope) will appreciate the fact that their efforts were a stepping stone for all of us. There are a couple of friends who went the extra yard, and you know who you are but wish to remain anonymous but a shout out for you all the same. You know who you are.

I hope we are deserving of the trust you placed on us when you made the decision to share your monies or your good thoughts with us way back when I asked you complete stranger to many of you...and just a blogger to many others. Your trust in me and what I asked of you was much appreciated and the ripples are still occurring.

Thank you all.

Sunday, September 12, 2010

College Class Update

I've started my second semester of college after a very hectic first semester. It took me awhile to find my groove that first semester; find time for work, homework and family. As I said...HECTIC!!

Anyhow, just to wave my own flag for a second here, after all that headache, stress and much hair pulling, I did manage to finish the semester on the Deans List. don't ask me how I managed that because I haven't a clue. But still, yay me.

Side note...the only thing that stopped me from finishing with ALL A's was one certain speech teacher that gave me a B in his class. I hate to admit I have serious doubts as to whether I deserved that B. I did flub the first speech (deer in headlights remember...ugh) and got a C but I got A's on the next two and A'ced the the final as well. makes me think he had other issues with me (possibly my connection to Arabs/Islam that he showed obvious dislike for?), but I don't know for sure so I can't say.

Anyways, new semester new stresses, new likes and dislikes etc. Here's a second week into it run down.

Algebra I & II. This class isn't really a class. It's all done on line with a teacher circulating the class encase anyone needs help. No lectures, no examples on the board with detailed explanations etc. I'm a visual person so this is very hard for me to deal with. I'm finding it difficult to understand the rationale in mixing numbers with letters and calling it math. Ugh! It's even more confusing to me because I use to be an ace at math, a whiz, somewhat of a genius actually. When I was young I could do complicated math problems in my head people! No lie. When I was a mere 6th grader I was placed in 9th grade Algebra, which did nothing to make friends for me. For some reason 9th graders did not take kindly to a puny 6th grader showing them up. I mostly kept silent after realizing that just because I was smart didn't mean I had to show it. (oh the memories) I would have to venture a guess and deduce that my "math muscle" has atrophied due to inactivity and such. In other words, Use It or Lose It! I lost it. *sigh*

Good news is that this class is taught by my previous math teacher so we have a relationship established already. She is a good instructor so I'm confident things will go smooth.

Technical Writing: This class is about learning how to write business correspondence, ads, memos, things meant to be published in other words. So far it comes across as very odd. The instructor gives very strange homework that many of us have concluded makes no sense based on what we were taught in class. He also is a very sedate, methodical instructor. a.k.a. boring. I could fall asleep in the time it takes him to get his point across. Most of the students in this class are the same ones that were in my English Comp class last semester. While that class was Las Vegas with its funny lectures, jokes, and all around feel good atmosphere...this one is like a trip through Mr Rodgers Neighborhood...with Mr Rodgers leading the way. No excitement, no laughter, just information given in slow monotones and glazed eyes and big yawns are prevalent. I don't particularly care for this class at the moment but it's required to full fill our English credit so what can I do. Get it out of the way I guess. *sigh*

Spanish I: I actually love Spanish class despite my struggle learning foreign languages. Arabic definitely did not come easy to me (still struggling with that..ugh) but our instructor is a bubbly, sexy energetic Latino woman and she makes all the difference in how the class runs. It's interesting to note that Spanish and Arabic have very similar grammar rules. It's also a "what you see is what you get" in terms of spelling etc. There are no silent letters in other words. I like the class a lot and hope I can learn sufficient Spanish to converse with my many Spanish speaking customers. However, I noticed that I definitely need to be in class and learn the material first hand. The two days I missed for various reasons could be viewed quite well on our first exam. I did well on the sections I was in class...not so well on the sections I was not in class. I vow to not miss any classes if I can help it. I also noticed that she doesn't spend much time on any given section. The first day we were learning vowel sounds and basic Spanish rules...the next words...and the next we were expected to be reading and reciting whole sentences. Obviously it's going to be a speedy train to the final got to be there for the whole ride. LOL

Soy optimista!!!

Wyoming Govt & Politics: I have to admit right here and now that I know very little about the American govt system and how it operates and came to be what it is. Other than what I learned in 9th grade govt. class I have little experience with it. My only excuse being that I have been overseas for all of my adult life and busy with other things...ahem. I thought the class would be boring but it's actually quite interesting. Of course this doesn't mean I'm going to find it a breeze or anything but at least I won't be falling asleep in it as I see many other students doing in that big hall while the lights are off and projector on. LOL The instructor is quite dynamic as well so that's helpful. He is making a potential "dry subject" (at least to me) engaging and thought provoking. Also, it's actually two classes; one day a week are a combined class with several lecturers giving their opinions etc about current events or politics etc, which helps keep boredom at bay with every new face etc; and we've got a once a week class with our own specific instructor fine tuning what we heard in the lecture hall...with his own added commentary. So it's interesting and I think I will learn a lot about politics before I'm done. They also aren't afraid to speak of "controversial" issues and let us comment on those subjects too so that's always fun to be able to speak freely with learned people about certain subjects. Right now we are discussing the topic, "what's so great about being an American and is our democratic system any better than what passes for democracy in other countries?". Fun stuff.

College paper: Of course I continued with writing for the school paper. I was also made Assistant Editor this semester as my instructor really likes my writing. She hinted that I will be made Editor sometime in the future if I continue in this vein. I found it funny that I actually don't always get a chance to look at the college paper once it's published and so was actually surprised to see the last one published from last semester had the whole mid section spread dedicated to one of my articles. She never told me she was doing that so had no particular interest in making it a point to see the paper once it came out. I generally tend to write my piece then let her do what she wants with it and leave it at that. I guess as Asst. Editor I may have to change that blase' attitude. LOL

I just want to point out that that particular article was me blathering on about how I feel every American needs to get a passport and leave the bubble that is America and see the rest of the world rather than rely on such things as Fox News and Oprah to fill them in. Most Americans will never leave their hometown, their state, or even their side of the continent and so obviously will never leave America for any reason. This is to our great disadvantage as the world is made up of more than just America and how can we know a people or culture unless we get out there and experience it? Just a thought. Anyhow....

Developmental Psychology: Same instructor as my previous psych class so at least I know her exam style etc (all from her lectures, the text is more of a back up reading sort of thing). She is very interesting and makes this class enjoyable. Psychology is just fascinating to me and I look forward to it. This class focuses on child development from conception to teen years. After having 5 kids and 'seeing it all" so to speak...I'm hoping it won't be too hectic as far as needing to study etc...but who knows. Last semester my first exam in college was one of hers and I completely bombed it. Got a D simply because it had been 25 years since my last exam and over estimated my abilities...what can I say...I use to be a whiz on past glories obviously doesn't pass exams for you. LOL Got down off that high horse REAL quick and buckled down and learned how to study all over again...or should I say for the first time...LOL. I never actually studied when I was younger...I hate me. Ha ha so do I remembering my cavalier attitude towards studying back then. The ego of youth and all that. Anyhow I like this class and look forward to it.

Well, that's it for now. A little run down for ya. My attitudes about each class may change over time (looking at you Spanish) but for now that's it. Wish me luck.

*side note. My boss moved me from the branch on the other side of town to the one just down the street from me. This means that, not only can my kids come walking down to visit me since during school we don't always get meaningful time together, it also means I don't have to hurry back and forth all the time to make it to work etc. More time to stay at college and get work done etc. Bonus. Down side...these customers are not nearly so interesting as the ones at the other store. *sigh*

Thursday, September 9, 2010

I'm looking at you Mr.!

I grew up sincerely believing that I was the only girl in America that had a father that did what mine did. Well, my sisters and I shared this poor excuse for a man but you get my meaning. It just wasn't possible for there to be ANOTHER father out there that took the abusive liberties that mine did on a daily basis.

I realize, of course, that that isn't true but when your a child your world consist of you and those who affect it on a daily basis. Generally your immediate family. Your world IS your family. The rest of the world is "fairytale". What I mean by that is your world is centered on what happens to YOU...nothing else matters. Even if there was another little girl out there suffering as I suffered, she never crossed my mind because I was busy surviving my own Hell on Earth.

Once I grew up and opened my eyes to the rest of the world and learned that, yes, in fact there were lots of fathers just like mine. Some even worse, if that was possible. Far too many to be sure. The news metes out a daily litany of fathers who have done horrendous things to their own children as well as to children that belong to friends, family and strangers alike. If we are to believe the media then our next door neighbor, that friendly teacher in school all the kids love, the local Boy Scout leader, and even our local respected religious leader, is just a child predator that hasn't been caught yet. It's only a matter of time.

Of course this was brought home even more so when I discovered that my own husband (ex) was a wolf in sheep's clothing as well. Apparently that old adage that we "marry" the parent that had the most impact on us as children holds true. I sincerely hope that isn't completely true as my own children are reaching marriagable age and I would hate for that particular adage to become a family tradition of sorts. So far, it's not looking good.

Anyhow, the point of this post is to relate something that crossed my mind last night while working in the store. What I saw and how I reacted to it.

A man came in with a boy around 7 years old. At first all seemed well. The man was choosing what he wanted...and the boy was trailing behind silently watching him. The man kept asking the boy if he wanted this or that and the boy would always say no. For some reason this struck me as odd...what kid anywhere says NO when offered candy, gum, chips etc? I paid more attention as my radar was on now...something just felt "off" to me.

At first I thought they were related, father son sort of thing, but then through their exchange I realized the boy was the son of the man's friend/girlfriend (not exactly sure) The boy kept saying, "my mom" doesn't like me to have that stuff...regarding whatever the man would offer him.

Finally they came up to the counter. The guy had brought many different sort of things to buy...most of them were things he had offered to get the boy but which the boy had refused...still he got them. This seemed odd to me as well. (don't ask me why)

He asked the boy one last time if he wanted anything and the boy said that he had his own money as his mom had given him some. The guy paid for his things and they turned to leave. It was then that the guy reached out to put his hand on the boys shoulder and the boy virtually flinched under his hand. It was a hard thing for me to watch knowing what I know about the world...and about many of the men who walk among us disguised as men but really harbor beasts within them.

Now, granted I could have been reading way too much into what I witnessed. Also, it's hard to convey the atmosphere that the boy just didn't want to be with the man for whatever reason. Not to mention the guy was trying so hard to "reward" the boy with some sort of treat that the boy had already claimed he wasn't allowed to have.

So here are my questions.

1. I quite often find myself watching grown ups with children now all the time. Generally in ordinary settings but I now watch with the eyes of a "been there done that" that in my eyes, you can't trust anyone anymore with children. I seem to be hyper vigilant to every little nuance, every little word, body movement, innuendo (in my mind anyhow) that plays out between an adult and child. I quite often hear or see things that make me want to react...but then I stop and ask I REALLY seeing or hearing that...or is my previously abused self and mother of abused children making myself see or hear that? It's a question I ask myself ALL the time.

2. Short of asking the boy outright, "son, do you want to be with this man," which could open a whole can of worms (if I'm wrong...and even if I'm right) what else could I do if I feel something is "off"? What would you do if you witnessed a scene between an adult and a child that just left you feeling odd?

I don't trust men anymore. Period. I don't want to view ALL men as potential abusers...but so far in my small world...that is what they have always turned out to be and so I find myself looking at a perfectly normal man and wondering if he's as normal on the inside as what he portrays on the outside. I can't help it...I've been reprogrammed to be suspicious of even the most "innocent" looking of men.

In one way I'm sure this a good survival instinct...being alert to potential danger etc can't be a bad thing...but it actually colors my view of the world now. The eyes I look out from are now jaded and sceptical about the inherent "goodness" of man. I think to myself that the "good" guys are few and far between and the bad guys are around every corner and under every bed. I don't want to be like this...but there it is.

I also happen to know that there have been times we absolutely knew we should have said something, did something, reacted in some way to something we witnessed...and yet we held back for fear of being called out on it. We then regret our inaction and vow to do better next time. With children it is always a hard decision to make because not only are you accusing an adult and causing drama are dragging a child into that drama...for better or for worse (better if your right, worse if your wrong) you hesitate...and watch as that child walks away with what you hope to God is not another abuser in disguise.

What do you do people? How do you decide when and if you should stand up and say something? How do you decide that it's YOUR responsibility to say, "hey now, what the hells going on here?" The ramifications of that statement can be devastating to all concerned.

I don't feel good about watching that little boy walk away with that man. It didn't feel "right" to me...but I couldn't pinpoint anything specifically that was "wrong" was more how the whole little scene played out that didn't sit well with me.

Then could have just been a 7 year old that didn't like his mother's new boyfriend and was showing it in his small rebellious way?

*I only refer to men as abusers as that is MY particular experience. I DO know that women abuse as well. For my purposes of this post regarding MY experiences...I only speak of men as abusers.

Sunday, September 5, 2010

When someone who should love you....hurts you...

Most of my life I've only ever had a few people in it that I considered "loved" or "friends". My family consisted of my mother, two sisters, father and a brother that I've barely seen my whole life(extended family doesn't count here as my father rarely let us visit with them and they NEVER came to visit us). My circle of friends has always ALWAYS been very small due simply to the fact that, first my father then my husband, created an environment around me that only allowed a few friends in.

There was a time in my life when I was so lonely and isolated that I would accept virtually anyone that showed a half decent interest in me as a friend. Later I would realize it was half hearted and not worth pursuing, but desperation would keep me "chasing" after relationships that just weren't there. More out of the need for friendship then because I felt they were really interested in maintaining a relationship with me. This usually resulted in me being hurt in one way or another...but lessons learned aren't always learned easily.

Being married to my ex for so long and subject to his families ill treatment of me taught me one's far better to ignore such behavior then to react to it. It's far easier on the mind and heart to remove yourself from that situation then to stay right in the middle of it hoping it will change. Once someone has made it plain that the relationship You thought was there (or should be there)...or a relationship You thought was always going to be longer interest them...then why stick around waiting for them to change their minds? Especially when they make it abundantly clear through their actions (though rumor spreading or hurtful words etc) that they are "done"?

This was a very slow lesson for me to learn. I had to be hurt by a lot of "friends" and in some cases, "family" before I learned this lesson well and good. Why should I pursue the relationship when they have made it clear they are done with it? Understand?

This lesson slammed home to me once and for all (and for good) the night I discovered what my oh so wonderful ex had been up to with our children. His subsequent reaction to "being caught" was one thing (and expected considering his past indifference to feelings of guilt) but the reaction from so called friends and family and a whole sale abandonment of those same friends and family came as a shock...and a hard lesson learned.

A relationship isn't always what YOU think it is..and it's true "depth" can be brought to light in a nanosecond...then all is laid open and the "truth" of it is there spotlighted under a very harsh and painful light.

It was during this painful insight...this harsh lesson learned...that I made a promise to myself. One I have stayed true too for the most part...I would no longer allow a "friend" or "family member" in my life that has made it abundantly clear their side of the relationship doesn't mean nearly as much to them as it does/did to me. I made/make this decision based on how they treat me, my kids, or those I hold dear. I realize not everyone gets along ALL the time so petty things and minor hurts and disagreements are not my "judging" criteria. Oh no, this person has to "really mean it"...and by that I mean go out of his or her way to hurt me, my kids, or someone I hold dear.

Now, I have lost some "friends" along the way this past few years. People who I considered friends but their behavior proved they were only in it for the short haul. Never mind, life goes on and I'm much better off without that drama in my life. My new motto, "no more drama", has served me pretty well (except for things I have no control over) and, for the most part, I don't look back.

I know I know, some of you are reading this thinking...damn, doesn't she give people a chance or what? People make mistakes, say shit, do things that hurt you etc so what's up with her? She isn't perfect either I damn well bet. Why so harsh and quick to jump ship?

I hear ya. And you would be right if your thinking that. I'm not perfect, nor do I wish to be. How boring that would be. However, I do make an effort to NOT hurt people on purpose...and if I do...I also make an effort to show remorse and apologize if possible.

Hurting on purpose is what I'm talking about here people. When YOU go out of your way to hurt someone you are supposed to love or be friends with on purpose...then YOU are showing through your actions that YOU no longer have a vested interest in maintaining that relationship anymore. Right? Otherwise, why cause the hurt...ON PURPOSE???

Those are the sorts of people that gotta more drama remember? I've been hurt enough, my kids have been hurt enough, by so called "friends" and or "family". So, my promise to myself is...cut off relations with those sorts of people no matter WHO they are to me, or supposed to be anyhow.

Now, what this post boils down to is this. Someone extremely close to me (not saying who just now) has hurt me very deeply. I'm talking, came out of left field, no idea what the hell got into him/her, but this person deliberately and ON PURPOSE set out on a campaign to hurt me, and my kids, as much as possible.

And it worked. The knife in my heart barely has anything left to hold on to as what's left is shredded and weeping.

It hurt that bad.

And still hurts.

And will keep on hurting until I die...yes...that bad people.

And so, this person has been cut from my life full stop. No turning back. No chance for reconciliation...and the one reason that made up my mind is this. Once you have made up your mind to deliberately and ON PURPOSE hurt someone so bad and so deeply without a thought to the obvious consequences...then obviously your half of the relationship was over in your mind. I mean seriously, do people who do that sort of thing think an apology will suffice and things will go back to "normal"? Of course not. Never again. Trust is gone. If you can do it once you can do it again (which is why I wonder why spouses that have been cheated on think the cheater will never cheat again..if they can do it once they can do it again).

A friend of mine said, after hearing my story,.."Don't worry...after some time has passed you will call him/her. You get use to it".

You get use to it? I don't want to get use to it. I don't want to constantly worry that this person is "storing" everything I say or do as fodder for later attacks, or "plotting" to hurt me again on a whim. I don't want to have to worry that my heart has a knife over it just waiting to be pierced....again...and again...and again. Because if they did it once...they can do it again. No more drama remember?

Why would I want to "get used to that"?

So my question is you believe in cutting people from your lives...people who are supposed to be friends and or family? Specially when they are very very close to you and to lose them in your life is a BIG thing...but in your mind a necessary thing? Can you do it? Should you do it?

Forgiving is one thing...forgetting is something else all together.