Sunday, September 5, 2010

When someone who should love you....hurts you...

Most of my life I've only ever had a few people in it that I considered "loved" or "friends". My family consisted of my mother, two sisters, father and a brother that I've barely seen my whole life(extended family doesn't count here as my father rarely let us visit with them and they NEVER came to visit us). My circle of friends has always ALWAYS been very small due simply to the fact that, first my father then my husband, created an environment around me that only allowed a few friends in.

There was a time in my life when I was so lonely and isolated that I would accept virtually anyone that showed a half decent interest in me as a friend. Later I would realize it was half hearted and not worth pursuing, but desperation would keep me "chasing" after relationships that just weren't there. More out of the need for friendship then because I felt they were really interested in maintaining a relationship with me. This usually resulted in me being hurt in one way or another...but lessons learned aren't always learned easily.

Being married to my ex for so long and subject to his families ill treatment of me taught me one thing...it's far better to ignore such behavior then to react to it. It's far easier on the mind and heart to remove yourself from that situation then to stay right in the middle of it hoping it will change. Once someone has made it plain that the relationship You thought was there (or should be there)...or a relationship You thought was always going to be there...no longer interest them...then why stick around waiting for them to change their minds? Especially when they make it abundantly clear through their actions (though rumor spreading or hurtful words etc) that they are "done"?

This was a very slow lesson for me to learn. I had to be hurt by a lot of "friends" and in some cases, "family" before I learned this lesson well and good. Why should I pursue the relationship when they have made it clear they are done with it? Understand?

This lesson slammed home to me once and for all (and for good) the night I discovered what my oh so wonderful ex had been up to with our children. His subsequent reaction to "being caught" was one thing (and expected considering his past indifference to feelings of guilt) but the reaction from so called friends and family and a whole sale abandonment of those same friends and family came as a shock...and a hard lesson learned.

A relationship isn't always what YOU think it is..and it's true "depth" can be brought to light in a nanosecond...then all is laid open and the "truth" of it is there spotlighted under a very harsh and painful light.

It was during this painful insight...this harsh lesson learned...that I made a promise to myself. One I have stayed true too for the most part...I would no longer allow a "friend" or "family member" in my life that has made it abundantly clear their side of the relationship doesn't mean nearly as much to them as it does/did to me. I made/make this decision based on how they treat me, my kids, or those I hold dear. I realize not everyone gets along ALL the time so petty things and minor hurts and disagreements are not my "judging" criteria. Oh no, this person has to "really mean it"...and by that I mean go out of his or her way to hurt me, my kids, or someone I hold dear.

Now, I have lost some "friends" along the way this past few years. People who I considered friends but their behavior proved they were only in it for the short haul. Never mind, life goes on and I'm much better off without that drama in my life. My new motto, "no more drama", has served me pretty well (except for things I have no control over) and, for the most part, I don't look back.

I know I know, some of you are reading this thinking...damn, doesn't she give people a chance or what? People make mistakes, say shit, do things that hurt you etc so what's up with her? She isn't perfect either I damn well bet. Why so harsh and quick to jump ship?

I hear ya. And you would be right if your thinking that. I'm not perfect, nor do I wish to be. How boring that would be. However, I do make an effort to NOT hurt people on purpose...and if I do...I also make an effort to show remorse and apologize if possible.

Hurting on purpose is what I'm talking about here people. When YOU go out of your way to hurt someone you are supposed to love or be friends with on purpose...then YOU are showing through your actions that YOU no longer have a vested interest in maintaining that relationship anymore. Right? Otherwise, why cause the hurt...ON PURPOSE???

Those are the sorts of people that gotta go....no more drama remember? I've been hurt enough, my kids have been hurt enough, by so called "friends" and or "family". So, my promise to myself is...cut off relations with those sorts of people no matter WHO they are to me, or supposed to be anyhow.

Now, what this post boils down to is this. Someone extremely close to me (not saying who just now) has hurt me very deeply. I'm talking, came out of left field, no idea what the hell got into him/her, but this person deliberately and ON PURPOSE set out on a campaign to hurt me, and my kids, as much as possible.

And it worked. The knife in my heart barely has anything left to hold on to as what's left is shredded and weeping.

It hurt that bad.

And still hurts.

And will keep on hurting until I die...yes...that bad people.

And so, this person has been cut from my life full stop. No turning back. No chance for reconciliation...and the one reason that made up my mind is this. Once you have made up your mind to deliberately and ON PURPOSE hurt someone so bad and so deeply without a thought to the obvious consequences...then obviously your half of the relationship was over in your mind. I mean seriously, do people who do that sort of thing think an apology will suffice and things will go back to "normal"? Of course not. Never again. Trust is gone. If you can do it once you can do it again (which is why I wonder why spouses that have been cheated on think the cheater will never cheat again..if they can do it once they can do it again).

A friend of mine said, after hearing my story,.."Don't worry...after some time has passed you will call him/her. You get use to it".

You get use to it? I don't want to get use to it. I don't want to constantly worry that this person is "storing" everything I say or do as fodder for later attacks, or "plotting" to hurt me again on a whim. I don't want to have to worry that my heart has a knife over it just waiting to be pierced....again...and again...and again. Because if they did it once...they can do it again. No more drama remember?

Why would I want to "get used to that"?

So my question is people...do you believe in cutting people from your lives...people who are supposed to be friends and or family? Specially when they are very very close to you and to lose them in your life is a BIG thing...but in your mind a necessary thing? Can you do it? Should you do it?

Forgiving is one thing...forgetting is something else all together.

*sigh*




23 comments:

Aynur said...

"So my question is people...do you believe in cutting people from your lives...people who are supposed to be friends and or family? Specially when they are very very close to you and to lose them in your life is a BIG thing...but in your mind a necessary thing? Can you do it? Should you do it? "

Sometimes, yes. I had to do with with my dad, as it was totally one-sided with me making the effort to talk to him and him acting like I was nothing to him. So yeah, I gave up rather fast on him. It's better for me not to have to deal with his behavior and not have my kids exposed to him either.
Something similar happened with my mom, although we keep in touch by mail only at this point ... she's said stuff that is really messed up and has not even seen her grandkids once ... but if I were to try to have a real relationship with her it would just be too much stress. A relationship cannot be one-sided, and if a family member or who you think is a friend does not treat or talk to you with the respect a human being deserves then it's better to maintain a distance and if you're hurt too much to cut it off. Yes, I would consider it necessary if the situation warrants it.

Wafa' said...

I did it with my younger brother when he kept hitting and abusing us ,especially my mother and i ,and being drunk. Being around him was dangerous physically and emotionally and i have been hurt both ways.

I love your post and i love your determination not to "get used to it" , well done dear :)
Just keep on and cut them lose.

It is hard to forget the horror and pain they cause but maybe forgive .

Jaz said...

I had to do it with my dad. Sometimes I feel guilty, sometimes I even feel sad that he is probably alone now.. and it hurts to think about it but he did time and time again deliberately hurt me and my family.

So I think if it's that bad, then yes sometimes it is worth it to keep away from some close family members (or friends).

Anonymous said...

Hey Red,

Sorry you've had to deal with more such distress in your life, but congratulations on the school newspaper thing and best wishes to your daughter!

Betty

Chiara said...

I spend a lot of time doing therapy with people in this situation. Many need to learn to be self-protective, to dole out their trust as it is merited, and to draw it back when it is betrayed.

Some people should just be cut off permanently. Others may need to be "managed" ie put at a safe distance, minimized contact, ritualized contact, and never in a position of authority over one, or on whom one is even temporarily dependent.

Others we only have one of, and the relationship is normally good, valuable, and mutually valued, which is why after one family member berated me twice in 12hrs with an escalating tone and tenor, I cut short my stay. That family member would have escalated, a although I have a much longer fuse, I don't want either of us to say things that would need a long repair time. So...distance, walking away, cutting off temporarily, in order to preserve that particular relationship which is basically healthy.

Relationships which are basically toxic? As I say to patients, "And you want to return to that sink hole of negative energy because...?"

One last thing, remember in calculating the deliberate that there is an unconscious as well as a conscious--a truly toxic unconscious still results in a sink hole of negative energy.

Okay one more thing--sometimes it is wise to pull back and let the other (basically healthy) person have a chance to make a positive effort in the relationship. And then proceed with caution. Forgiving, putting out of mind, but not forgetting past behaviours.

I lied, one more thing: CHECK YOUR EMAIL. :D

cairo, lusaka, amsterdam said...

You should absolutely NOT get used to it. I would say cut them out. When someone hurts you INTENTIONALLY and ON PURPOSE - there is really no excuse and no future. Shame on them.

always in the kitchen said...

I think your last line summed it all up nicely. Yes, forgive, for your own sanity, but it's not emotionally healthy to try and maintain hurtful relationships......

Anonymous said...

I cut someone I thought was a sister to me out of my life. It broke my heart to do it, I thought I would never recover.I still hurt sometimes but I am a stronger person for doing it. She can't hurt me anymore.

It has damaged my other friendships. I will never again have absolute trust in a friend, I will never rely on a friend to be there for me even if I have always been there for them. I give what I am prepared to and expect nothing in return. Anything I get back is a bonus.

It taught me a lesson though. Expect nothing. I take my good times with a grain of salt now, I enjoy them in the moment but I don't expect there to be another one.

Anonymous said...

When I was about ten years old, one of my parents - don't even remember which one anymore - hit me one time too many. For quite some time after that, I did my best to cut them out of my life. No more kisses good night. No more emotions at all - except for anger. By the time I was in my last year of high school, the situation was so tense that it became just plain dangerous.

After some time, though, I began to think it was my duty to try to repair the relationship. I have done what I can, and we are on more or less friendly terms. But someone from outside my family who saw us together said they could see that it was not automatic - that it was an effort for all of us.

My parents have not even shown any sign of viewing what they did to me as wrong. So I have little or no sentiment for them. They may or may not have sentiment for me. If they do, it has a vaguely sickly feel about it. Whatever love I have for them is basically out of duty. Indeed, after what we have been through, I do not even want anything more than what we already have.

Over the course of my childhood, I ended up deciding never to love anyone so much that I couldn't instantly cut off contact with them if I had to. I learned to flip that switch instantly. I was (and probably still am) ready to at any moment switch to treating any person - even family - like 'the man on the street'.

Indeed, I have that attitude towards basically everything in life. There is only one thing that I *really* can't live without, and that is God. But I also know that He didn't even have to give me life - and I'm OK with that.

Will I one day find myself on my deathbed, regretting that I never had certain things in this life, knowing that now I will never have them? Only God knows. Or maybe He will see fit to let me have them after all, despite everything? Again, only He knows.

coolred38 said...

Thank you everyone for your valuable input. I felt like I was doing the ultimate no no...but after what this family has been through..I need to protect us...even if its from other family members.

It's reassuring to know Im not the only one that has been forced to make this choice...and life still goes on.

Forty Pound Sack said...

Sometimes, I think, for your own well being and that of your kids, if you have them, you have to just walk away. You have to. I'm pretty close to that point right now with someone in my own life and while I hope the relationship can be salvaged, I'm ready to move on if it can't. Life is too short to sit by while others fling their emotional poo at you. And there are too many wonderful experiences waiting for you to use all your energy dodging said poo.

Susanne said...

I'm so sorry you've been hurt this way one time too many. I don't blame you for cutting people out of your life when they cross a certain line especially,as you said, they purposefully go out of the way to hurt you or those you love.

marahm said...

I am sorry you have suffered from yet another relationship issue. You sound real sane, though, and wise enough to know where to draw the line with this one.

Sometimes one must root out a relationship completely, excise it as if it were a tumor. I've done it--- hurts like hell --- but you heal better after the surgery, and you'll like the scar better than the tumor.

Anonymous said...

A few years ago, I had the same feeling of hurt, not only because of some one hurt me, many other problems related to finance and stuffs....I was thinking of ending my life....
Finally I decided to meet a councilor (psychiatrist) to know whether there is any remedy for my survival. ,…

After listening my story about one or so hours,…he prescribed some tablets, and said very simple thing to overcome tension. And it helped me a lot…
He said don’t add any “IMAGINARY THOUGHTS” to your present day problems. Think positively.
Whenever u feel tense, just say the following to your self many times…
1) PAST IS PAST, ……………...(10 or more times a day)
2) NO WRONG THINKINGS,…( as above )
3) NO NEGATIVE FEELINGS,..(as above)
4) NO HATRED, ……………….(as above)
5) NO JEALOUSY.. ……………(as above)

Then he said, saying one time is not enough. Say that many times a day whenever you feel bad about yourself and the incident you are thinking about.

Believe me, when I believed in that and adopted the method, it helped me a lot…my thinking process changed, I became more enthusiastic and moved forward to overcome my problems and found the way to live my life more positively than ever..

Anonymous said...

Red,

I have finally escaped, remember me who said I was being abused and then it wasnt so bad, and Im kind of BOSSY, lol.
Well he did it again and it was bad, I ran like hell into my neighbors house, who is my "friend" could barely get her to take me to hospital while my face is broken, blooda and im telling her i cant hear her, my eardrum was busted, shes telling me have sabr, have sabr, when u see him nervous u should be quiet, u know the drill.
Long story short.......He was in jail, they swore they wouldnt let him out and did, and I had no idea he was coming home but for some reason I told kids u have 15 mins to pack a suitcase, we left and he was home 15 mins later.
So now he has a travel ban on us, thats ok, doesnt mean he will find us! So sometimes as YOU KNOW it is mandatory to break relationships.

And in all reality SHE that did this to you is just so typical of that ethnicity, I wouldnt spend one second grieving, they are all the same, unless they have been raised in the states or somethng, but from that region, I have never met a he or she that doesnt lie!

Ms. Bossy

Anonymous said...

You need to go and get some serious help ! everything in your life is problematic.In Bahrain and now in the US, when will you stop being the victim,
study a good religion and follow what it tells you about leading a good life if you are a muslim then understand what is happening to you..it is all your own doings, seek god advice and direction and you will get it. No need to air out everything , think before you ramble.
May god help you see the light. I have been through worse and I found a way to let it all go, have faith and truely mean it.
Mary

coolred38 said...

Forty Pounds...I agree completely. Life is too short dodging the poo. Sounds like a great motto for a printed Tshirt. LOL.

I hope your own drama works out to your benefit.

susanne...thank you. I have no idea why people who say they love you...who almost HAVE to love simply because of their relationship to you...do these sorts of things. Why not just leave you to it and get on with their lives if they are "done"? I dont get it.

marahm...Im not so tough. I walked around shell shocked for several weeks. It was that hard to understand...specially from the source it came from. Compeltely unexpected. I hate surgery...ugh!

anon...thank you for the advice. The past is the past is something I try very hard to live by. Doesnt always help but sometimes it does.

ms. bossy...Im glad to hear you finally got away from such abuse. I hope you have a better positive life from now on.

btw Im not sure who you think Im referring to in this post but it's not anyone from "over there" where ever the over there is you are referring to.

mary...what exactly is the religion you follow that you can be so caustic towards me and call it some sort of "help"? I do not play the victim...I simply state my problem and ask for advice etc...whats so victimizing about that?

btw I like to ramble on MY blog because MY blog is MINE...and NO not everything is my own doing. People are responsible for their own doings...Im only responsible for mine.

Anonymous said...

Red,

Sorry I just assumed that it was a good friend u had mentioned who was coming to visit you from over here, lol.

As they say assuming makes an ass of u and me, in this case I'll take all the blame.

Ms. Bossy

Lynn said...

Red,
I'm guessing that it is your mom but how are we to comment or give you advice if you didn't really give us any details of what she did?

coolred38 said...

ms bossy...no problem.

lynn...much as I would like to give more details...just at this time I simply cant. Maybe something for a future post...but the advice and support given already is more than enough. ty

Dhp said...

I can relate to your post. A family member purposfully hurt me and I reacted to how they hurt my child. In a pubic setting, the family member cursed my child, revealed some things that I had shared with her in confidence and on top of that, fabricated lies about me. I was too stunned to even effectively handle the situation. I knew that this person wasn't trust worthy from some past situations, but family members kept telling me to " forgive". I'm not one to reveal the shortcomings to others to third parties, in a attempt to defend myself. I've always felt that that only made me look guilty. The family member, on the other hand, has never had an issue with telling her version of events to whom ever will listen. Now that I realize that she has to be cut from my life, I also see that there are at least 6 family gatherings through out the year, where she will attend. It scares me to think of being under the same roof as her. I know that she feels no remorse for her actions, and she's sure to do it again. My mother just wants me to put it behind me, but it's just not that simple because this family member sees my self control as a form of weakness. I don't want to miss out on family gatherings because e family member is there, but I just can't continue to subject myself to her treatment. I feel like I loosing out of special moments with my family to avoid further hurt from her, while she gets to continue on with her normal family interactions. I don't know how to handle future family gatherings. Any suggestions?

Julia said...

Wow.. I was searching for info about this exact situation and came across your post.. eerily I could have easily written that.. up to a point.. I am still in the middle of the hurt.. thinking maybe I am missing something..maybe I should reach out again and try to fix this? Trying to move on and not let it affect my daily life.. but boy is it hard to do...

It's funny how others can make judgements about you without even taking a second to speak to you.. how easily they can be swayed by other's influences.. and how self righteous they appear to make themselves..

Reading your post helped me.. I need to keep moving forward, living my life well, and being there for my kids and NOT allowing them to also be affected by this family situation..thankfully I have 4 very strong, bright kids who are always there for me..

IT's true.. it will always be sad to the end .. but maybe over time it will stop hurting so much...

gaaranice said...

If people is hurting you intentionally, you may as well remove them from your life if you could. What type of human on Earth cause hurt to another because they want the joy ?