As some of you may know from reading this blog...my daughters were sent to live with my sister in Texas due to the problems we were having here...have been since last July. Its been my intention to eventually get all of us over there by way or another. For the most part they are doing well...as I may have mentioned my youngest (15)has improved in school so much its like she is a different student. I knew that her poor marks over here were due to the uninspired atmosphere and lethargic attitude of the teachers. She is an artist, loves to write poetry....draw etc and they dont encourage anything artistic in govt schools...at least not the ones in Hidd...so she really found her place and blossomed...her last report card she was on the honor roll. Im proud of her.
Unfortunately, my sisters husband and my daughters personalities have clashed almost from day one. I hate to blame him on this but really he seems to be acting like a teenager same as her by the way he argues and fights with her over inane things. He seems to get extremely irritated over even the smallest of "infractions" that she commits. Her "crimes" include leaving her shoes out, not washing ALL the dishes on her night, accidentally breaking something...and making a phone bill calling here....among other things.
She is not a drinker, drug addict, thief or truant from school, she is not sneaking out at night or sneaking boys in, she doesnt smoke, curse or sass. And yet if you heard him complain about her she is one degree below a teenage delinquent and will end up either in jail or pregnant and on the streets before long. I dont get it. He seems to have a real problem with her and nothing she does is the right thing.
I was there for 2 months so I seen this with my own eyes...I mentioned it to my sis but she seems to side with him (or is cowed by him...not sure) and agrees with his assessment. Ive lost count of the number of calls or text messages complaining of this or that regarding her...and all the complaints are petty and childish as far as I can see...just plain old teenage stuff. I just dont get it.
Anyhow, long story short...they are sending her back. She will be here in 2 days. They reserved her ticket and made all the plans without even talking to me first. I know this is pure husband because my sister is not like this...she likes to work things out and solve problems...not that my daughter is truly a problem but I find this whole thing ridiculous.
The most irritating thing about it all is that she has improved by leaps and bounds in school...has learned to love reading...has found joy in drama and art classes...and has made good friends...and has two months of school left...and all that is thrown away like it means nothing because they say they cant "handle her" anymore. What? Is she an animal that needs handling? I dont get it.
To make it even worse...I know the govt school will not pass her this year because she didnt attend the whole year...she cannot make up all this year in the two months that are left...so if she stays here next year she will most likely have to repeat the year again...meanwhile she is on the honor roll over there. She has always felt "stupid" here...especially compared to her brothers and sister that have always done excellent without much effort...to see her so proud of herself at last was such a beautiful thing to witness...and now she will be placed back in the school that made her feel stupid to begin with...and will feel like a failure again because they will probably fail her. I dont get it.
I looked into private schools just to let her keep her marks shes earned...to let her finish this last 2 months with her head held high...but they are ridiculously expensive...I just cant afford it. Im so sad for her. I feel like her promising future has been ruined because of that adults inability to get along with a teenager...he brought himself down to her level and I feel he truly set out to sabotage her stay there...for what I dont know.
Maybe he thinks he's just getting rid of a "problem teen" but actually his actions of sending her back is going to affect her in so many ways...and he probably either doesnt even realize it...or has decided its just not his problem because he cant "handle" her....I dont get it.
Im so sad for her. I will be very happy to see her...I miss her and love her so much...but I feel she has been forced to take a large step backward in her quest for a good and "normal" life. Nobody knows better than I how toxic this culture is for girls "like her"...especially this fucked up little town I live in that know all about our problems...and reacted in predictable and deplorable ways...which is why I sent them there in the first place....I dont get it.
I have no idea when I will have the money to go home for good...with all kids together again under one roof...or at least on one continent (sigh)...but I feel that goal has just gotten a little bit further away with them sending her back...thats another ticket I will have to buy eventually...couldnt they have waited two more months...let her finish school at least? I dont get it.
Im so sad for my daughter that has suffered so much...and suffers still.
30 comments:
Does your sister and her husband have any children? Any teenagers? The teenage years can be rough and maybe he has the attitude that it's not his child, he is not dealing with it. My girls were not bad by any means, their mouth got them in more trouble.
In any case, hopefully you can get out of there sooner rather than later and get her back into a good school.
peace
#2
Any chance of aborting this unhealthy plan?
Any chance of your daughter just spending Easter with you (ie her US school's Easter holiday extended), and persuading sis and BIL to take her back to finish her year there?
Or is there another family member, or friend in the same school district she could stay with (with or without an Easter vacation in Bahrain)?
Any chance she could get her American year with correspondence work to the same class/ school/ board？
The adolescent behaviour of "parents" is one of the reasons I don't see persons under 18. Many times the parents explode, and take dramatic action, when a "time out" would help, eg. teen staying with a relative, or a friend for a week or two, or sometimes to the end of a school term.
Hi, I went through the same ordeal when my parents shipped me off to the states to live with extended family and go to school. Didnt do shit, always got blamed and to top it of talked about as a delinquent.. Never smoked, obviously never drank or did drugs..
Hearing about what you say about Hidd makes me sad. My family (Burshaid) was one of the first inhabitants of the Hidd area and they were big in the pearling business at that time. Heck some members of my family still live there and it hurts me to see the area deteriorate so rapidly.. I used to remember a time when the highway leading from arad to hid was only one lane on each side and just barely across it you could spit to the sea.. Now its a concrete jungle of a series of houses on reclaimed land.
Enough stories though, try enrolling your kid in the Indian School in Isa Town, top class education at a reasonable budget. Government school is no place to get an education.
sista#2...my sister has a 14 year old...not his...and he doesnt get along with her much better...unfortunately I didnt know this before sending my girls to live with MY sister.
Chiara...I wish there was a chance...but he is refusing to step back and rethink this hasty decision...and to tell the truth I dont want her to stay longer in an environment that is bad for her. My sister is great with her...him..not so much.
Anon...thanks for your input. Ive lived in Hidd for 12 years now and its really changed in just this small amount of time...its crowded with people...housing and cars now...and everyone minds everyones business...very irritating.
I will check out the Indian School...thanks.
That's really such a shame, I can only imagine how devestated your dsughter must feel.
I really feel for you, you seem to be in a very difficult situation. You are not getting child support, nor are you getting alimony, and you don't have a job. How are you managing to get by? Anyway all the best, I hope things will work out well with your daughter.
Oh CoolRed, I can feel your heart break over this, and I'm so sorry.
Have you talked with SIS and asked if she could just finish out the year? How about your Mom, can she take her in enabling her to stay stateside?
They sure didn't give you much time to find an alternative to sending her back to the "toxic" environment, did they. Are there any charity's that could help her out, thus keeping her in America?
You and yours will be in my prayers, CoolRed.
We haven't heard about what your mom is doing since the fire but I am curious what she has to say about this whole deal even if she may not be in the position to put your daughter up.
Doesn't your sister or her husband care about what this will do to your relationship with them? This is unforgivable in my book.
What's the deal with your older daughter? Is she living with them too? Did she get sent back too? What is she doing with her life? Wasn't she watching out for the young one? What does she have to say about the situation?
It's always something isn't it? I'm sorry for all your troubles.
Sabra...she is really upset...but at the same time I feel she is relieved to be out of that stressful environment he created.
Anon...yes it is hard. We are getting by based solely on the help of friends so far.
Janice...sorry to say they dont seem to want to work anything out...its a done deal. Thanks for your concern.
Queen...mom is doing well. She sorted out her fire problems and is getting on with her life. I have a feeling my sister realizes exactly what this will do to our relationship (not break it but definitely strain it) but feels she cant go against her husbands wishes over this. Older daughter is trying to get into college...she is doing well...and she did her best to calm things down...but she was up against an adult that has been around the block...she didnt have a chance when all was said and done. I dont blame her and she did as good a job as she could with her sister.
Oooooh nooooo!!
This is the worst outcome possible! And don't blame the husband or your sister, it's not their job to raise your kids. You should have stayed in the USA to raise them, the boys should have gone with you, you're the mother. And your daughters needed you more then the boys did as they weren't sexually abused by your husband. How could you leave them when they needed you most?....to make your son happy? He won't be happy now. None of you will.
I hope this is a good lesson to all who read this. The best way to be a victim is to let others make your decisions.
Cool, you have one important decision, do not let her get on that plane!
Abdullah
Abdullah...I agree with some of what you said...but then again...you dont know our whole story...only what I have mentioned on here...so you shouldnt be so quick to condemn my choices...
Walk in my (our) shoes first ...then go into your finger pointing rant....thanks for your comment
It is too bad your BIL seems to control other US based options, like your daughter staying with a friend from school for the rest of the year, or a different relative (maybe there are none in that area). I certainly agree that the faster one gets out of a toxic situation the better. I hope your older daughter will not become the next scapegoat of BIL.
I hope the Indian School works out for you. Maybe a charitable (inexpensive) religious school (usually open to all religions) with good academics. As an experienced international mother, you do not need reminding about curricula differences and changing so late in the year. That is why I thought finishing the year by correspondance might help (because home schooling is just what you need to fill all your spare time :) )
Good luck
what a jerk, why can't he put her needs over his? she's only a kid. does he know the full extent of all the problems she has with living in the middle east?
Well folks...she is home (here) and Im so happy to see her...but not happy about the situation.
I hope I can work things out for her school wise...its going to be a pain.
cool red,
i have enjoyed reading your blog over time. i lived in the middle east myself for several years and so I often read expat blogs from that region.
i too came from a troubled background and forgive me but i think i see similarities between my life and yours. I learned a lot of wrong life stratagies from my mother who no doubt learned it from her mother etc. I too made many of the same mistakes.
again, please forgive me, but in hope of helping you I must say some things you will not like to hear. In my case at least I only succeded in breaking with the past, and ending the chain of learned helplessness, dependence and low self asteem when I finally stopped blaming others and took control of my own life.
I am afraid I agree with much of what Abdullah said. You need to be in the states with your daugters. And you need to stop spending so much of your energy and crativity blaming other people for their imperfections and start concentrating on your own. Take all that good stuff you have inside of you and start making a positive plan and then begin taking the steps (even if they are baby steps at first) to put that plan in motion.
In America you can get public assistance and if you are telling yourself you are too proud for charity remember it is only charity if you don't pay it back. And you can pay it back once you are on your feet again. YEs there are ways.
Most of your children are close to being of legal age. Thus most of them can start earning a little money on their own now for the plane out.
Once you are home you need to get a job even if it's fast food to begin with. Live in a boarding house or public houseing if you must for a time but get moving. If you want to break the "woman as helpless victum" chain than break it. Set an example for your own children. it will be the best thing you ever do for them.
You do have choices Red, as will each of your children in their own lives. It is going to be hard, and given your previous choices you will probably always be poorer than you like.
But there are worse things than being poor. Own your previous choices, and show your kids that it is never too late to start putting together an independent, self reliant, and honorable life.
I have faith in you Cool Red. You are smart enough and tough enough to do this. Set the example for your children that you wish your mother had been able to set for you and your siblings. Stop wasting all that really good imagination and creativity that you have inside of you on thinking up reasons why you can't do something and start taking positive steps.
YOU CAN DO THIS RED.
My heart goes out to you - and your daughter. Keep us posted.
I hope your daughter is readjusting well and that the school situation is sorted out soon. All the best to both/all of you!
Anon...thanks for the reminder of just how fucked up I am...not like Im not telling myself that everyday...but its always nice to hear it from perfect strangers.
Chiara...I havent found a single school that will accept her at this late stage...options are...repeat the 9th grade again....or...well thats about it. They wont accept her 7 months of school already...the credit she earned...nothing...wont even give her a chance to study and pass the test...even if its just barely passing enough to pass the year...Im sooooo damn frustrated. Just another notch on my leatherbelt of mistakes Ive made with my kids....damn!!!
Coolred,
I don't think that anonymous up there was trying to remind you of any mistakes. I think they just wanted to express their opinion on what you could do to try to fix or minimize the problems.
I understand that there is so much going on with your life in it's turmoil but have you set a plan for the future? Where do you want to be living and raising your kids? In Bahrain or in the States?
I thought that you wanted to put Bahrain behind you and get back to living in the states so I'm not sure that I fully understand what you are doing there now. I thought that you had just gone back temporarily to sort something out and then get back to making your life in the states. It seems obvious that your daughter was not happy with whatever was going on and she was acting out and that may be why your BIL couldn't take it anymore. Of course, I don't know, I wasn't there in that house with them but,knowing teenage girls as I do, I can imagine.
Beating yourself up about what mistakes you may or may not have made does not solve anything. You need to reconize it as a mistake and turn it around and try not to make the same mistake again. Get yourself and your daughter on a plane back to the states and tell your sons that they are going too or they can live with their father You may not like that if they choose that but you do have other kids (as well as yourself) to be concerned about. You are not a victim. The choices are all yours. Be a good mother and show your kids what a strong self reliant American woman looks like.
Queen...I understand that I need to sort my life out...Im trying to do that...but in the meantime life keeps throwing me curves which havent been easy to deal with.
For the record my daughter was NOT acting out...she actually changed herself into a girl that cared about school (something she never did before)...discovered the joys of reading (something she never cared about before)...made good friends and got good marks in school...she was being good...as I said...BIL simply didnt get along with her for his own reasons. My sister has a 14 year old daughter as well...and he doesnt get along well with her either. Unfortunately I could not forsee such a thing happening. Spanner in the works and all.
I came back because my ex was not paying childsupport and his family was harrassing my boys...Im in court now dealing with that...but things here take forever court wise. Also my 17 year old has suffered some personal problems that needed dealing with. Hes under a doctors care up til now.
Various reasons brougt me back...with the intention that I would return there as soon as possible...sending my daughter back is just another set back that will delay me returning (more money needed now) and messes up her school year...how could I see that happening?
Anyhow, Im not whining that I am a victim NOW...in the past yes...but right NOW while Im trying to sort it all out and get back on some kind of track...shit keeps coming along and knocking me off the track...I cant build up any momentum so to speak...its extremely frustrating.
And NO...my sons will never have the option of living with their father...he is a fucking pedophile in case you hadnt realized from reading this blog...he raped our daughters...so no...never.
Sorry to hear about the school situation for your daughter-- between my own profession and a family full of teachers I was afraid the late change in the year would be a problem. Have you looked into homeschooling requirements or correspondence requirements for her to receive Grade 9 credit from the state she recently resided in for this year? and start in Grade 10 wherever in the fall? If she had good attendance she might have already made the attendance requirement. Maybe a teacher or principal in her previous school could help.
BIL should have held his fire for 2
more months or made it clear she could finish the year and then leave--but that's done now. In a way your sister must feel the worst, since her own daughter has to live with him.
You seem to me to be on a clear positive track, and are handling the bumps in the road as best as one could expect. Keep on keeping on as they say.
All the best
Cool Red, if you are planning on going back,and taking your daughter with you, did you think about homeschooling her? You can homeschool her until you go back to the States, she can then reapply to school or continue being homeschooled and then get a GED. My fiance & his brother were homeschooled, he is a software trainer enrolled in a predoctoral program and his brother went to college as a PTA and now owns his own business. It is a good (and cheap) option, although not easy. My friend's daughter was expelled from Catholic school (in NY) for behavior problems midyear, she is being homeschooled for the remainder of this year. The school has said that they will take her back next year if she passes the exams and behaves. She won't lose this year.
You and your will be in my thoughts & prayers. I am sorry my country has been less the gracious (to put it mildly) to you and your family. Inshallah Allah will reward & compensate you and yours for all what you have suffered.
Your sister's husband sounds like a real winner! There is a saying in Bahrain that translates to " he who has no good for his family, has no good for the world/no good in him"
Unfortunately, you seem to have a lot of those around you. May God take you out of their midst!
PS a student I know tried living with Dad and his new family after years of living with Mom in a different country. She got kicked out mid academic year, and I'm not sure what was done immediately but she did return to a different school, and now she is a candidate for the MSc.
I agree homeschooling or correspondence courses may be the only way to save her year, and while challenging is economical, and temporary to the end of the year.
Bon courage! as the French say.
Chiara and Sands...thanks for the info about homeschooling...will definitely look into that asap.
Well I was going to ask if you plan to stay in Bahrain but then I re-read this post and must have missed the part about wanting to go home. So anyway isn't there a way that your family can all get together and work out a plan for you to go home, and help come up with the money.
The other question I have is what is your opinion of women marrying middle eastern men? I mean I know that your experience hasn't been a great one, and I am just wondering from your perspective how you feel about this? I have heard some great stories but have also heard more bad stories than good.
San Antonio...well my family have helped me alot along the way...my sister came here initially to take my daughters home last summer. And she spent a great deal of her own money on them while theyve been there...but to get all of us home...6 of us...has turned out to be more complicated and definitely more expensive then we can manage. I only have my sister and my mother (who has no money as its all spent on meds and since her house burned down last Christmas she doesnt have much anyhow)...so its been a long struggle for awhile now.
As for women marrying middle eastern men...I will ignore my own troubles for a moment and answer that its hard enough being married to someone from your own background and culture etc...so when you mix it up a bit your definitely adding some more tension and complications to the mix. If your from a culture that encourages women to be independent and self assertive then marrying a middle eastern man might not be the best of choices as generally speaking they dont raise their women to be independent and assertive (generally speaking I did mention)...so it could be a very difficult marriage at the best of times...but its up to the two parties involved to work things out on a daily basis. In the Arab world extended families are the norm so you are not only marrying him but his whole family...and that can be exhausting and frustrating if they dont take to you right away (or at all)...so thats another ocmplication.
Generally speaking I suppose its not any harder or easier then any other marriage if the two parties are willing to compromise and start how they mean to go on...its all about compromise.
San Antonio...well my family have helped me alot along the way...my sister came here initially to take my daughters home last summer. And she spent a great deal of her own money on them while theyve been there...but to get all of us home...6 of us...has turned out to be more complicated and definitely more expensive then we can manage. I only have my sister and my mother (who has no money as its all spent on meds and since her house burned down last Christmas she doesnt have much anyhow)...so its been a long struggle for awhile now.
As for women marrying middle eastern men...I will ignore my own troubles for a moment and answer that its hard enough being married to someone from your own background and culture etc...so when you mix it up a bit your definitely adding some more tension and complications to the mix. If your from a culture that encourages women to be independent and self assertive then marrying a middle eastern man might not be the best of choices as generally speaking they dont raise their women to be independent and assertive (generally speaking I did mention)...so it could be a very difficult marriage at the best of times...but its up to the two parties involved to work things out on a daily basis. In the Arab world extended families are the norm so you are not only marrying him but his whole family...and that can be exhausting and frustrating if they dont take to you right away (or at all)...so thats another ocmplication.
Generally speaking I suppose its not any harder or easier then any other marriage if the two parties are willing to compromise and start how they mean to go on...its all about compromise.
Thats kind of how I feel. While there are marriages that last a lifetime between Arab men and American women, I think you are right that marriage is tough enough without throwing in cultural differences, and lets face it these are some very drastic cultural differences. Thats not to say that all Arab men are arrogant jerks or awful men because some are wonderful, but there are an awful lot of them that have some drastic ideas that differ greatly when compared to American ideas and customs. I think to it depends on what country we are talking about too. From my experience a lot of Iraqi men are pretty laid back compared to other Arab men, like say in Saudi for instance. I guess for myself I would just rather marry someone from my own culture. I just don't want to have to deal with all of this. Anyway I hope things work out for you. It sounds like you have had a rough life and maybe its time to move on and enjoy the time you have left. don't let these people rob you of the rest of your life!!!
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