Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Dont Know How to Feel About This

My mother told me that my real father...you know the sperm donor in previous posts...passed away recently. He had many health problems and had been headed that direction for awhile now....I hadnt really given it much thought.

I dont know how to feel...and she is somewhat upset that I havent really responded to the news...but seriously...how should I feel? Should I feel ashamed that I dont actually feel anything?

According to Islam I am now an orphan...no father...real or step...in my life. Neither one had much to offer in ways concerning fatherhood...but I feel a sort of emptiness that is hard to describe.

Im sad in a way I cant define.

8 comments:

jana z. said...

red, why should you feel any pain if he wasnt in your life. i can only assume that your mom feels somewhat emotional (no telling what the emotions are but thats neither here nor there) and wants you to reinforce what shes feeling since he is your "real" dad. and you definately dont need to feel guilty. you cant make yourself feel what you dont.
jana

Shirley said...

I felt much the same when my dad died. In fact we had cake and ice cream.

janice said...

I'm sorry you feel this way, CoolRed.

fred_says said...

sorry

coolred38 said...

jana...good point. even though he hasnt really been my father since I was a baby...she gets irritated when I refer to him by his name.

Shirley...well not sure its worthy of cake and ice cream...this is the absent daddy...not the abusive daddy...so maybe just a thoughtful glass of something interesting...hmmm?

janice and fred...thank you

Chiara said...

Your emptiness sounds like the grief of the loss of a potential. Now for sure you will never have a (living) relationhip with your biological father. And now, for better and for worse, you are fatherless in terms of living fathers, so indeed an orphan in the patriarchal sense.
The passing of a category of people can feel different--I felt that way when my last living grandparent died, like somehow now we'd all reached a generational milestone. Of course you have your mother, but she's a parent not a father.
I'm sorry for this loss you have suffered.

The Queen said...

I agree with Chiara. The loss of a potential is a real loss and the grief is real and maybe more painful than if it was a loved one that you have good memories of. I don't know. I am sorry for your loss

coolred38 said...

Chiara and Queen...I understand what your saying and I agree I suppose. I have really never felt a desire to know my "real" father (all though I seen him during summers as a kid) but now that hes gone..I couldnt if I wanted too...so thats where Im coming from I guess.