Im standing nervously outside the door...twitching at my fancy jelobya...running my fingers nervously through my perfectly fluffed hair. I dare not touch my painted lips and smear the glossy red color...thats definitely something I dont want to do. I can hear voices on the other side of the door and footsteps coming closer...I take a deep breath and whisper a prayer to God..."let this be the last time, please God, I promise I'll be good"...and then the door is flung open...and my real job begins...again.
She takes me by the hand while I earnestly search for even a glimmer of love or kindness in her face. She has a smile on her lips but they never reach her hard empty eyes...my own tremulous smile falters...and then fades away...I know in my heart that God did not hear my prayer...this wont be the last time. I take another deep breath and resign myself to what lies ahead...I clear my mind and empty it of all other matters...there is no life outside this hotel room. School doesnt exist right now...friends are forgotten...the future doesnt stretch past the next few hours...I try to blank my mind completely...but its impossible...if I could escape by losing my mind into the deepest darkest hole I could find...I would gladly throw myself into the black...without even a whimper of protest escaping my painted lips on the way down....I would go into the black with a peaceful quiet smile....I would....
Angrily(but only I know she is angry as all the while she has that fake smile on her lips) she grasps my arm harder...digging her nails into my skin...and pulls me toward my latest "John". Add him to the long list that extends back to my earliest memories....memories of grasping hands and wet probing tongues...whispers filled with desire(even if I didnt know what "desire" meant I knew what it felt like). My memories are not filled with the sweet childhood dreams of playing with my girlfriends with dolls...or going to the beach with my family...my memories are the stuff porn magazines would be proud of...if I knew what a porn magazine was.
As she leads me to the bed I get the first look at my next customer...my eyes widen briefly as I recognize him from the tv. Everyone knows who he is and so many giggling infatuated girls would no doubt be jealous of me and wish they were in my place instead...I wouldnt wish anyone to be in my place...not even stupid empty headed gigglying girls that worshipped men such as this and called them Pop Stars. If only they knew what this Pops Stars secret desires were...maybe they wouldnt be so willing to buy his music and lust over his pictures...maybe?
While I stand before him not saying a word...the woman presents me as a gift...she exclaims over my innocence(all though we both know that innocence was paid for long ago)...she sells me the same way people sell cars...animals...their souls. Hoping for a good price...but accepting whats offered in the end. When they finally agree on a price she quickly removes my clothes and tells me to lay on the bed....and the night begins....and seemingly never ends. Im like a doll or a robot...she tells me to open my legs and I do it without protest(there is no use in protesting...her heart is hard...her ears are long since blocked to my begging for mercy). For the rest of the night she is like the director of a two person play...ordering movement...changing positions ...occassionally recording it all on my mobile phone. All the while Im desperately searching for that deep dark hole...if only I could find it.
Finally the night is done...the man is spent...the money paid and we silently don our hijabs and abayas and return to our house without speaking a word to each other. She talks to herself though about the money made and the plans she has for it....to buy me land...buy me things....I dont want things...I dont want land...I dont want that stinking soul burning money...if only she knew what I really wanted from her(I scream these thoughts in my head and pray she hears them...she never looks my way).
We arrive home and I rush to my bedroom and quickly undress and throw myself into the shower....I make the water as hot as I can stand it...burning my skin red....washing the feel of sex away...if only I could open my head and wash my brain as well. I stay in the shower until the water runs cold...then reluctantly step out and stand before the mirror. I look at this body from the neck down(I cant look at that girl in the mirror in the eye...she is so disgusting and not worth even a glance)...the body is good...no fat on it...no bruises or scars. The body any 16 year old would envy...all the damage is on the inside...if only people could see it...they wouldnt accept me even to walk beside them in the street...sit beside them in the classroom. If they knew the people I had been with...people who had paid to use my body...Pop Stars and Princes...Bollywood Stars and Princesses....I had been with more famous or well known people then most A List parties...and all those clients walked through the crowds with their heads held high..never once thinking of the night spent with me....but I never forget...I wish I could as easily as they seemed to do. I sometimes wonder how people dont see the real me...the slutty disgusting whore that I am...I sometimes feel like there is a sign on my forehead proclaiming my status to the world...sometimes I feel like I should write it there myself.
Once Im in bed I try to forget the day...I have a test tomorrow...I didnt have time to study...but I think I'll do ok. My bedroom door opens and she comes and sits on my bed. Not saying anything for awhile. I silently plead with her to give me a reason...a reason for the punishment she has been giving me ever since I can remember...I wish I knew what I had done wrong...I would fix myself and make it all right again. Eventually she sighs and gets up to leave...before she closes the door I call out to her...."goodnight Mom".....she pauses but then closes the door...she doesnt reply.
Since I heard the story yesterday from a friend of mine about a girl same as the one above...a 16 year old Bahraini girl that was sold by her mother to many many famous and well known personalities here in Bahrain and around the gulf...selling her young body(since she was very small) to anyone that would pay the high price...I couldnt get her off my mind. I dreamt of her last night...she has not left my thoughts...I want to cry for her the way her mother never did. This story is absolutely true as my friend saw many of the videos generated during these encounters...she was shocked and disgusted at all the familiar faces here in Bahrain she seen doing dispicable things to this girl...all with her own mother choreographing each encounter. Then these animals go and present themselves to the public as moral human beings...and nobody suspecting what black hearts they really have. She wishes she could spread the videos and let everyone know the truth...but the Bahrain prosecution has them now...and most likely they will never see the light of day...as I said...many of those faces are too well known for this scandal to get out.
I cry for this girl...and for my own two daughters...and for every child that is used and abused to fullfill the disgusting sexual fantasies of the adults they are meant to trust...and I cry for her that her own mother is the one that held her hand and led her to these monsters. May God bless her and ease her pain and keep her from finding that black hole while she heals...and may God keep the hottest part of hell for animals such as these...and turn a deaf ear to their pleading for mercy...like the animals that turn a deaf ear to the cries of little children...again and again and again. Ameen