Thursday, March 26, 2009

Now That Your 3

So my Father was in jail awaiting trial for the murder of my sister Nay. Our house was torn between feeling the desire to celebrate our new found "freedom" and worrying about the outcome of the trial. I was only 5 at the time but I clearly remember the tense atmosphere and the many whispered discussions between my Mother and her family.

As I said before I dont know the exact procedures that occurred that kept my Father in jail for nearly a year...I do know that my Mothers testimony was the key that was going to be the "deciding factor" as to whether he went to prison or not...I would have to assume there had to be some other sort of evidence...but my Mother has never said what it was...or even if there was. I do know that she was extremely torn up with guilt over her accusation. As horrible and abusive as he was...she couldnt make herself truly believe he was a child murderer.

Eventually her guilt got the better of her (or maybe the worst depending on how you look at it) and she decided she couldnt go through with it. She went to the police station and dropped her charges against him. Told them she was mistaken and was just emotionally distraught and not thinking straight at the time of her accusations. Without her "eye witness" testimony I guess the prosecution had little else to go on...and so my Father was released after nearly a year in jail.

Now I realize I have been calling him my Father all this time...but in fact they werent actually married up til now. He had been living with my Mother for years without marriage...when I mentioned marriage earlier I was referring to later on in their relationship (just wanted to clarify that). Later on as in after he was released from jail. Now here is the truly interesting part (and something I will remark about later on)...after being accused of murdering her child and spending one year in jail...with the possibility of life in prison...rather than turn and run away from this "crazy" woman...he came home directly from the jail...and told her they were getting married. I do believe my Mothers deep sense of guilt was the major deciding factor in her agreement to marry him...I cant believe or think of any other reason for doing so.

They were quickly married without too much fanfare and within a year my little sister was born. Now up until my sisters birth I believe my Mother could have actually made the effort to leave him if she truly had wanted to. There was nothing tying her to him...she would just need to work up the nerve and take that first step. However, with the arrival of little sister...she was suddenly bound to him in ways she couldnt imagine. Suddenly that little baby was a tool in his hand to keep my Mother by his side whether she wanted to be there or not. Over the years she made several efforts to leave him (I have forgotten the number of times she threw everything in the car along with us and took off without much planning)...only for him to track her down and drag her back...all with my little sister as the "threat" in...if you dont come back I will take her and you will never see her again. Take it from me...women can suffer a lot just for the sake of their children...especially when they feel helpless and powerless. Every time she left...he would track her down and bring her back.

Now, my Mother will tell me and everyone she knows that I am the one that suffered the most at my Fathers hands. Everything from beatings to verbal abuse to just down right treating me like a piece of garbage. My older sister got it as well but she was a rebel from an early age and tended to antagonize rather than sit quietly by and take it (a whole other story). I was the quiet introverted one...the book worm and A student that absorbed all this abuse with little or no reaction on the outside...on the inside I was living a mental hell.

My little sister was The Princess...spoiled and made to feel like our superior all our young lives. A role she played with a relish. I dont blame her for what she was in those days...a horrible little sister that added to our miseries with her infantile power to harm us with just a word to Father....everything she was he made her. Im happy to say she grew up about as normal as one can be given her upbringing...thank God...I didnt want to hate my sister merely because my Father preferred she hate he did....but when we were young...I came about as close to hating her as two sisters can get and still maintain a relationship. We were enemies living in the same room...sleeping in the same bed...and we were pawns in the hands of that piece of shit.

I mentioned earlier my wondering at his coming back to marry my Mother and not just hightailing it for the hills upon release. Well I actually asked him one day...about 5 minutes before I believe he was going to actually kill me.(no lie). Picture this.

My Mother had been called away to my Aunts house in another state (my cousin had been raped and murdered...another story worth telling)...and my little sister and I were left with my Dad for about a week. Now among the many things I was not allowed to do...talking on the phone without permission was one of them. I was 17 years old and had a boyfriend (of sorts) and took the opportunity to make a quick call to him while my Father was gone (or so I thought). He walked in and caught me and preceded to give me the last beating I would receive at his hands.

He threw me across the room and I landed on a table and shattered it...and the next half hour was a blur...but in the end he got a gun and explained to me that since my Mom was gone...sister was at school...and we lived 17 miles from our nearest neighbors...he could kill me...bury my body somewhere...and tell everyone I ran away cause I was ungrateful for our home life. Who would know?

I believed him...I had no other choice at the time....but I was fed up at this point. I decided that if I was going to die..then at least answer me this one thing. I looked him straight in the eyes (something I had avoided doing for my entire life) and asked him this...

"Why did you come back to my Mother and marry her? Why did you marry someone that put you in jail and could have sent you to prison for life? You didnt love her and you certainly didnt love us. So why? I know why you did. You married her so you could make her pay and us as well for what she did to you. We have suffered 16 years of hell just so you could get some fucked up revenge."

That is the only time in my entire life I ever spoke to him in such a way...and so directly and with anger. I felt like if I was going to die...dont go quietly...let him know finally what I felt about him...and that I thought he was a piece of shit for what he had done to all of us.

Well...for the next 5 minutes (could have been a year...not sure) my Father knelt over with his hands on his knees and got within inches of my face. He stared at me with eyes snake black and without emotion. My heartbeat was pounding so loud Im sure he could hear it. He said nothing...just stared into my eyes and could have been planning my murder for all I know...but I didnt look away...I stared back. Dont ask me how or where the nerve came from...but when I think about that incident now I get goosebumps from the raw emotion and tense atmosphere that I can still feel today. Im sure my very life was hanging in the balance in those 5 minutes...but I didnt care. I wanted an answer...

But I didnt get one...after about 5 minutes he stood up...went to his room and put the gun away and left. For the next 2 months until I went into the military we did not speak a single word to each other. He completely ignored me which was fine by me. My Mother kept asking me what had happened when she was gone but it would be years before I told her.

My Father died from diabetes complications some years back. I find it hard to this day to believe that he is dead. He was 6'4"...a mountain of a man and ornery as all hell. He was mean and abusive and didnt give a shit about anyone or anything.

When he died...nobody cared. My sister had him cremated and he sits in a vase in the garage.

Now I sometimes wonder..if my sister had not died (I will never know if he really had anything to do with it) would he have stuck around...would he have tired of this woman with 4 kids that werent a "mongoloid" that required lots of medical care etc. Would he have bothered himself over a family that wasnt his and he obviously didnt care about? But when he went to jail...I have a feeling his personality was what made him come back...for his abusive and vindictive revenge...he came back to make her pay...and us...for having the nerve to believe she had the power to hurt him.

He had all the power...and he never let us forget it.


fred_says said...

do you know what?

this is going to sound really fucked up to you, but I think this man you call your Father really in his warped way, really truly loved your mother.

I also suspect that whilst he was a complete arsewipe he did NOT kill your sister. the way he behaved does not make sense. if he had there is absolutely no way he would have returned.

and I think he couldnt give you a simple answer to your question because he didnt have one himself. his life certainly would have been easier if he had just walked away. I know yours would have. so it goes back to the fundamental? why did he stay? he loved your mother.


Suroor said...

We will never understand human beings. He was so odd, almost like out of a movie.

But yes, I too now think he loved your mother but couldn't suppress his evil side. He was big but his will power was weak.

Chiara said...

Well, first let me say that abused women leave their abuser an AVERAGE of 35 times before leaving for good. All the ties, fears, and difficulties planning, staying away, not being found, rebuilding that you allude to come into play.

Next, Fred's theory is plausible though difficult to relate to as he indicated. I am not so well-versed in the psychology of psychopaths to know whether his return was a sign he hadn't killed your sister, but it wouldn't stop a narcissist (still hoping he didn't).

The army is a useful institution isn't it?! :)

sista #2 said...

Did he ever abuse his own daughter?

What a story this was.


coolred38 said... much as I would like to believe my father was capable of love...even a warped since of love...I guess it was one of those times you had to be there to truly understand the psychopath that he was.

suroor...same comment for fred. I dont believe he was capable of love. I remember my mother telling me that his father took her aside one time (before she married him) and begged her to run while she had the chance. Said he had been an evil child and she was better getting away now...and this was his own father saying it makes you go hmmmm!

chiara...she did leave many many times. She eventually did leave him after I had left home...when my younger sister was 15...I sort of got irritated with her cause she waited til I was gone to finally make that final move...tad bit of residual resentment there still...sigh.

Not sure about how useful the army is lol...I was in the air force.

sista...yes he did. when she turned about 8 he suddenly turned his abuse on her just like the rest of us...he nearly killed her one night with a dog chain wrapped around her neck...hence the reason his ashes are in the garage forgotten and dusty.

janice said...

WOW CoolRed, that's a life-story very much worthy of cinema.

I can't, and never will, understand why people find joy in hurting others. Sick phucks they are!

Unlike Fred and Suroor I don't think that evil man loved your mom. I tink he may have married her so she could never testify against him, IMHO.

Again, I believe you should pen a manuscript detailing your experiences.

Chiara said...

Coolred--as you are probably aware your resentment is natural and justified, although your leaving may have finally given her the courage to do the same, or the desperation, or she reached the mathematical law of averages.

My sincere apologies about the Army assumption (though I defend myself on statistical grounds, I should have remembered how intelligent you were/are and assumed Air Force). Next time I am home I shall have my former Air Force Cadet father remind me from whence I come.

But the military is useful for this sort of need to get away from home thing, isn't it! Many an adolescent has counted the years to eligibility. LOL :)

Philly said...

It is a shame that God let's small children and innocent people suffer while people like your Dad walk the earth.
That is just my opinion


janice said...

One more thing, CoolRed. An Air Force veteran, I'm truly impressed.

I would like to extend my gratitude to you for your service to our nation, thank you.

May I ask long you served and where? My father served for 6 years and was stationed in Tripoli Libya for 3 years.

marahm said...

Before one can discuss whether or not your "father" loved your mother, one must define the term "love" and also understand the psychodynamics of a narcissist/antisocial personality.

After that, the question becomes moot. Strong forces held those two together, not only fear on the part of your mother.

Far be it from me to offer an opinion on the quality of those forces. Sometimes, the important point is merely to witness, and let the witnessing work its cathartic abilities.

As a reader, I offer my witness, and I look forward not only to more installments of this story, but to essays from the life/time periods afterwards, the periods during which happy endings graced your life.

coolred38 said...

Janice...thanks...not sure my "penned" experience would interest anyone...but Ive given it some thought...once or twice...and three

Chiara...funny you mention that my leaving triggered something in her...she has told me several times how my leaving for the military left her feeling as if her best friend had gone (we had a very close relationship)which lead to her making some tough decisions. I am glad if my leaving was the deciding factor in her finally leaving as well....better late then never.

Philly...thats a discussion God and I have been having this past 30 odd years...quite heated at times...havent received an adequate answer yet...but still hopeful.

Janice.,..thank you.

Marahm...I was just talking with my best friend who wonders if I had any "good times" growing up among all that misery and struggle for my future posts might reflect that...once I think about "the good times" Im sure there were some...sigh!

Susie of Arabia said...

I led/lead such a boring life compared to yours. But honestly, I think I would take boring any day than to live what you have lived through. My heart feels so heavy after reading all of this. I hope it is therapeutic for you to release it... You deserve a better life.

Anonymous said...

Afterall what he did, he sure had a blessed death dying of diabetes.To me he deserve a more cruel and painful death.Sorry for saying this.

I'm really glad at what you did.To leave an abusive home and start afresh.You're not just a strong but also a confident and brave woman.
I'm happy to know you,even if it's a weeny weeny bit:D

*~Ange~* said...

you know.. you could and should write a book about this.

coolred38 said...

Ange...working on it (sorta)

coolred38 said...

Susie...thank you...yeah it helps to write crap out sometimes...sometimes rememerbering allows you to release pent up emotions and such.

btw...Id take boring hands down too.

Lat...I really thought he was immortal (hard to explain) and so for him to die of something as "simple" as diabetes was a real downer...but believe wasnt a painless death...theres that...sigh!