Sometimes...as we lay in our beds thinking...wondering...trying to decide what is the best decision...the best choice to make when both choices will cause pain...we let that damn emotion get in the way. While we sit at a long traffic light and try not to become impatient....we think about our two choices...and let that damn emotion get in the way. When cooking dinner....or taking a shower....or blogging...our minds are always busy...thinking about our two choices...and that damn emotion gets in the way.
When Im looking at you...seeing your face...hearing your voice...feeling your love...I decide emphatically that I will choose one over the other...no doubt about it...no regrets....but when Im alone...seeing only my face...hearing only my voice...feeling no love for myself...I know I have too choose this one over that one...and no doubt about it..... but as always...that damn emotion gets in the way.
Is it better to have loved and lost....then not to have loved at all? Is it better to regret and leave...then to regret and stay? My heart shudders...it pulses and burns with indecision...it nearly cleaves in two...half for you...half for them...is half enough for anyone? ...oh how that damn emotion gets in the way.
I pack my belongings...again and again...but only in my head...in reality I dare not buy a suitcase...for its accusing looks and empty bottom will beckon me to fill it...and fill it I will...an empty suitcase cannot go unfilled...for that is the purpose of a new suitcase bought...yes? An old suitcase can be forgotten...left on the shelf...borrowed to a friend...but a new suitcase....fresh off the store shelf...must be filled...but that damn emotion gets in the way.
How do I make this decision...how can I decide when either decision will surely kill me...slowly...and painfully...every breath I take after my choice is made will stab my heart with a terrible bloodletting...with every stabbing there is emotional blood lost...how much emotional blood can a broken heart hold?...and that damn emotion always always always...gets in the way.
For every beginning there is an end...so why do we begin?
OMG!! that damn emotion!!!
7 comments:
I know that maybe my comments won't help you any. But I think of you often because I read your past posts often. I think about you and I make dua for you and your children.
Reading these words just now I was teary-eyed. I have those same feelings as you. It was like I was writing them.
For me, I just try to be patient with my situation and pray because that is all that I can do.
I just wanted you to know that I think of you.
Hugs
Oh Coolred! Your words move me so strongly. I wish there could be some way to ease your pain. My hands are empty but prayers for you and your chidren are always on my lips.
Take care :(
I'm sorry you are going through what you were going through. I wish I had the answers and could help. You are in my thoughts and prayers. ttys
I am sorry that you are so torn. I know what it feels like; I've been there. It's the worst feeling in the world, and it doesn't go away. It merely settles down, and your choice will have to be for sanity.
Maybe, with a little time, the decision will become clear. Maybe the course of your life will turn you towards one position and away from the other.
I love reading your stuff! You are just so adept at expressing all those emotions that we all feel. I think you should think about compiling things together in a book one day. God bless!
wassalaam
Atsila
Atsila...about the book thing...your not the first person to tell me that...and I tell myself everyday. I want to write a book...I have dreamed of writing a book...the only thing stopping me from writing a book...is me. Once I get past that hurdle...Im good to go....sigh.
Have you thought of a title for your book?
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