Friday, October 31, 2008

So sort me out all ready...would ya?

I was born Nov 18, 1968 to a young abused housewife that escaped her poverty stricken family life to wed a soon to be life long alcoholic at the heartbreakingingly young age of 14. The fact that at 14 she viewed marriage as the "better" alternative life choice to remaining among her own siblings and parents says much about what poverty can lead you to do whatever you can to break free from it. Thus she set her course for the life that followed...and mine as well. Long before I was even a glimmer in my mothers eye (or an egg ready to be fertilized) my path in life had seemingly all ready been started for me. It makes me wonder if I ever had any choice in the matter when you come down to it.

I wonder sometimes just how much of life is what we make of it...and how much is what it makes of us? What are the rules exactly and who decides the penalties for failing to observe them? Many of us choose to believe that a Higher Power is in control and makes all the "thou shall nots" and metes out the punishment for disobedient transgressors. I use to believe that too...but Im sort of coming to the conclusion based on evidence abundantly given that life... "just is". Two little words pretty much sums it up....for me.

Religious folk will tell you that everything "happens for a reason" whether we mere humans understand those reasons or not. That God "works in mysterious ways" and we just have to "believe and have faith" that things will work out for the better...either in this life or the next. When you come right down to it....all they are telling you is"just is"...we cant really do anything about it so leave it up to the Higher Power to sort it all out....and meanwhile we can busy ourselves with prayer in hopes that we can influence the eventual "sorting out".

When I was a child I believed in least I believed my whispered words of desperation flew out into the night like a frantic messenger urgently seeking out its recipient posthaste. I never doubted my prayer reached its intended target...even though evidence seemed to negate that belief. Daddy never stopped his hellish ways...never just up and left...never mysteriously disappeared into the night never to return...and most certainly never considered having a full blown and fatal heartattack...even though his diet was rich in all the fatty foods doctors warn against. Despite my many many anguished whispered prayers of reprieve...or salvation...of an "ordinary life"...what ever that was...despite the fact that none of that ever came close to happening...I still believed my prayers meant something...that a Higher Power was listening and determined to get back to me...eventually....but maybe it was all rather abitrary you mail...sometimes the letter just didnt find its way...even when the address was clearly printed and stamp firmly affixed...sometimes the letter doesnt ever get the chance to arrive and be opened because life "just is" and we cant do anything about it.

I know without a doubt that there are plenty of people on the planet at this very moment that wish they had my life...compared to the hell they are life must seem like a dream THEY aspire for. I have my children ...a car...a job (of sorts)..fairly decent health (could lose weight...I know).....and money most of the time...not a lot...but enough to get by. Thats a hell of a lot more than most people have...but if I knew who these people were that might look at my life and envy me...that wish they had what I have and just "pray" for whatever I dont have...I would have to tell them that for sure I have stuff...I have things...I have knick knacks and doo dads...and plenty of whatchamacallits...but I dont have the one thing that I want the most...that one thing that I cry for...ache for...miss with a deep seated pining that no devoted lover ever came close to feeling for a lost love...I dont have faith...belief...that my prayers had any affect whatsoever...that the moment they left my lips they did not fly off into the night desparate to find the One in He could sort out my worries and rescue me from evil...but instead fell to the floor at my feet with leaden a balloon that held so much promise but burst...and now is useless...garbage. The longer I have lived and the more prayers that have seemingly ended up at my feet...the more I believe prayers are for nothing...just to keep the sheep quiet and content believing Someone was in charge and keeping track and all would be made fair someday. Despite my belief...that prayers were good...prayers were needed...prayers were like a form of seems that life just continuously kicks all that aside and tells me straight out again and again...prayers are for Disney movies and hospital bedsides...but JUST IS!!!

Life "just is"...if you can convince me other wise...Im all ears.


Bobby said...

I cannot convince you because I am also like you. Well I am too young (19) but I held such belief in God until yesteryear. It was in the mid of last year when my grandparents and my aunt met an accident in India. The whole house prayed to God -- all three of didn't survive despite the best medical treatment. Call it insanity or stupidity -- from then on I had quit praying and to some extent I almost the existence of God. I just live my life the way I want it -- and I feel a lot happier without all those spiritual junk in my head!

The Queen said...

Bobby,so sorry for your loss. What a horrible thing to have happened.

Coolread, I can't convince you otherwise either. But what's wrong with 'just is'?
It is still good and worthwhile if you make the most of it and live right and make good choices. See,the heaven and hell that I believe in is right here on Earth and I believe it is of our own making for the most part. I would think that would be more comforting than having to rely on the whim of a God that does not give promises.

BTW I was born Nov. 13, to an abused housewife of an alcoholic (although on a much lesser scale than your own) My dad quit drinking while I was still young but he still had an explosive personality. Fortunately I learned from my mother what I didn't want my husband to be like rather than follow in her footsteps.

tee dimensionist said...

Life just is. It really is. And it's filled with the good and bad, the beautiful and ugly and everything in between. The way it is depends on how we choose to see it.

Life is what we make it. We can't change our family, but we can change our attitude toward them. In my limited experience in life I've learned I don't have much control on what happens to me, but I am in full control of how I respond to it. And that's what makes life good for me.

And about prayers, there's something I read a while ago. When you ask God for something, he never says no. His responses:


Yes, but not now.

I have something better planned for you.

It may seem with the lives we lead that we have too many dreams left unfulfilled, too many wrongs done to us, too many negative matters surround us. But the opposite may also be true. The challenge in life is to actively look for all the positives we've been blessed with and trust me there are loads.

Don't try to convince yourself that God or that ever-present Being of Light is here and listening, just pray. Because just as life just is, so is He : )

I hope things work out for you, one thing that always gives me comfort is the fact that nothing is permanent. I wish you all the best coolred!

maryanndipity said...

Hi CoolRed, you and I are alike in many ways and some of our circumstances are the same.

I just want to say that maybe it seems that a prayer is never answered but Allah answers them in other ways. There is a hadith narrated by Muslim (it is also a supplication for one afflicted with a calamity) that states: "To Allah we belong and unto Him is our return. O Allah, recompense me for my affliction and replace it for me with something better."

Just a few months ago something really bad happened to my family. I thought that it was the end of the world for me and I was feeling that I was losing my faith too. I was focusing on the bad that happened but did not realize that something really, really good came out of it and made me and my family better for it. Alhamdulilah a million times.

If you feel that your faith is low you must mention Allah's Name or His Attributes constantly. Say your thikr as well.

My Quran and Deen teacher once gave a lecture and the gist of it was: whenever you feel that your situation is bad or unbearable, never look at those people who seem to have everything going for them, always look at the people who are less fortunate than you, and you will then realize how much better off you have it. Subhanallah. Alhamdulilah.

Also my philosophy is: "Just make do with what you have and be thankful for it." It will make you a better person.

Suroor said...

Coolred, How you can see things is that yes, your prayers were not heard at that time but you didn’t marry an alcoholic at age 14 yourself. God made it possible for you to be a better mum than the mother you had. You have your children and you know how to protect them which your mother didn’t know. You have more money than her. You have better friends who can give you advice. Your life is better than hers. It could have been worse.

So maybe, just maybe your prayers were heard. Maybe without them you would have been in a worse situation. The effects are taking time to show but you can already notice them. Alhamdulliah.

The Queen said...

BTW I think you've got yourself pretty well sorted out. At least more so than you might think you are. Shoot, after losing that extra 200 lbs of dead weight(a guess on what he weighed)you should feel on top of the world.

coolred38 said...

Bobby....Im very sorry to hear about your tragedy...but Im happy you found your way through it. Its all we can do sometimes.

Queen...theres nothing inherently wrong with "just is"...all Im asking is to be convinced that its ok to believe in "just is" and not hold on to some feeble hope that theres more to it than that.

maryandippity....thank you for the encouragement. I didnt marry an alcoholic..but something far worse and while I might consider that I have been a better mother than my own was....I wouldnt bet money on a horse over that thought. I do realize I could be in a worse situation...but I dont really deal with "could haves"...all I have is what is...and this life...the one I have lived through and suffered through is all I got to draw experience from...such as it is. Thanks for the encouraging words.

The Queen said...

How could one convince you that it is ok to believe in 'just is'? It doesn't really matter too much if it is ok or not does it? How can you believe in something that you don't believe in? If you did you would be a hypocrite and that is worse than not believing isn't it? There is no point in feeling guilt if that is what you might be feeling. If God is out there he is there as a parent and loves you unconditionally just as I love my daughter.

Isn't the feeling of having the control over your life and where it goes better than hoping that the wind will blow good things your way insha'allah? Life is what you make of it. Make it good because life is short! Isn't that right Bobby?

Fareeha said...

We are another species on this planet and like other life on planet whose life is just there.. happening day by day.. and nature rules apply on us as well. This is what I believe in.

You live, you die. simple rule of nature. There is no great cause attached to our lives.. its survival. The moment we start believing the idea that we are better then rest of the species on planet and that we mankind have a purpose on earth is when we start screwing up our brains. What makes me so much more special then my dog? In my opinion... nothing.

My dog will live without a great cause to pursue and die one day and it should be okay for me to think abt my life that way as well.

but that's my belief and you dont have to agree with it.

coolred38 said...

Freeha....sorry I never seen your comment..I have to say...I sort of agree with probably wont be back to see this...but I wanted you to know all the same.