Picture this....I had finally had enough...enough abuse...enough misery...enough pain...just...enough...so I threw myself into a panic on a spur of the moment decision and started throwing things into my car like a madwoman....40 minutes later I was hightailing it down the road with my 4 young kids in tow...wondering if I was making the right decision...or f***ing up my life once again...there was a 50/50 chance for positive or negative answer either way.
So once I had gotten a safe distance down the road...I pulled over and took a moment to just breath and assess the situation....and then I made this plea..."Oh God...if Im making the right decision and not just doing something half cocked again...let me know...gimme a sign." I sat there a few moments longer...just trying to think of nothing really...listening to the kids play in the backseat...asking where we were going....then reached over and turned the radio on before taking off again as I like to hear music when Im driving. The song the was just coming on was called..."I Can See Clearly Now the Rain is Gone"...anyone that heard that song before knows what its all about....making the tough decisions when you feel you just cant...and finding out is was the right thing to do...and reaping the benefits of taking a stand (thats what I get from it anyhow). I sat there...frozen...unable to do anything but listen to that song...take it in...let it swirl and glide all over my body...into my ears...my mind..my heart. It emeshed itself so deeply into my psyche as an answer from God that I still to this day refer to it as my God Song...and I get goosebumps exactly the same today when I hear it as I did all those years ago.
When the song was finished...I sped off...convinced I was making the right decision and satisfied with my choice. (the fact that I did eventually screw up this bid for freedom some 4 months later in no way takes away from the overwhelming feeling that I got my "sign" I was looking for that particular day).
So heres my question dear readers...do you believe in such things...heartfelt pleas and instant answers (or maybe within a reasonable space of time so you just know its YOUR sign) or is it all just random? Did that song come on the radio by chance...or was God or some Higher Power giving me the green light on the drastic and desparate choice I had just made? Do you believe
God answers prayers in such an arbitrary fashion...a song on the radio or
maybe a book opening to the right page...which brings me to another "sign" I may have received....
Still in the same marriage...still suffering pretty much all the same things as before...just a few more years added onto the misery though (I didnt say I learned from my mistakes did I...all though eventually I do...sigh) Anyhow....I was sitting at my desk in my room with hands on head...mentally kicking my own ass about my life and the mistakes I had made etc. Wondering how I had found myself in this horrible marriage on the far side of the moon without a single person to share my misery with...I felt utterly alone. I whispered out a plea to God..."why is it Your will that I be here...now..in this place and time...alone and without support. Why do I have to abide such loneliness?" (for those that dont know...there is a difference between being alone...and being lonely...being alone is usually done by choice...feeling lonely is one of the single most awful feelings there is...especially when there doesnt seem a way to change that condition...an abusive controlling husband relishes and lives on you and your loneliness...sigh)anyhow...I digress. So there I was...pity party very much moving along and doing well...and I had a book on my desk that I was thinking about reading...so I pulled it over and opened it up to a random page. There was a quote at the top of the page...it said..."if you dont like something, change it...if you cant change it change your attitude. Dont complain," by Maya Angelou.
A sign...or coincidence? hmmmm? (I have to admit...this time I took it to heart...and made the changes I needed to make...slowly but steadily)
Now what happens when you dont get an answer...dont get a sign? now thats another post I will be coming to shortly.