Wednesday, September 24, 2008

I wish you could understand....someday.

When I was pregnant with you I honestly thought one of your feet would eventually protrude from my belly button due to your nightly bouts of martial arts you took delight in practicing. Almost like clockwork...8 pm...I could count on you not to disappoint me by being late. I knew..the way mothers know things...that you were going to be just as much of a handful after birth as before...and I was right about that. Im sad to admit that Im not right about much in life...but when I am...its not always a good thing.

Since you were small, baby boy, Ive struggled coming to terms with your fierce independence and your need to assert yourself. You were constantly letting go of my hand...wanting to take on something new...hardly ever showing fear...hardly ever looking back to see if I was safely near by. My heart ached that you could so easily just....let go.

As you have matured I couldnt help but notice that your numbered age in no way indicated your maturity level. You have always been an "old soul"...a mature and self reliant "man" in a little boys body. I sometimes have to remind myself that you are still just a boy. When you speak your words are strong and thoughtful. When you argue your self assured and determined....but when your angry your somewhat erratic and often out of control....and I fear this one area in your life in which you seem to have no control over....your anger.

I have watched this fire burning within you son...watched it grow and consume everything around you...everything within you. The emotional trauma that has this family upside down has never been your burden to bear...and yet you bear is as if its your responsibility. It was never your responsibility. Your father let us down...he let himself down...he started that fire in easily as an arsonist lights a house fire and walks away...only to come back later and gloat over the destruction he caused. I thought when I kicked him out I was getting rid of the problem...but I have come to realize that maybe his physical presence is gone...but he is "still here"...and he is still tearing this family apart.

We have all suffered and been affected in our own ways by the evil that touched us, son. We each have our burdens to bear and must work our ways through them as best we can. Your sisters will need help for the rest of their lives...Im sure you dont understand that because you have never been a female in this male dominated've never been a rape've never been a victim of incest by your father. I know you want to help your sisters in whatever way possible...but in order to help them you need to try and understand them. Their bodies have healed...but their minds will forever suffer what he did to them...believe me...I know. We cant just demand that they get better and they do...we cant just say that "Im here for you" and that be enough...we cant just act like the past is the past...and leave it at that. I sent them away from here because I know first hand what this society does to girls in their situation...and you know it too...but your being stubborn and letting your anger control you. Yes...I could bring them back...if I wanted to...but I dont want to. Even though I miss them so much...even though I want to hear them laughing...and arguing...and see them dancing to music or coming from the shower...or getting home from school or work and telling me about their day. I miss them son....the same as my mother has missed me all these long years that I have been separated from her...but I made the choice to send them away...because I believe that the suffering we will do while we are small compared to the benefit they will get from leaving this place that has caused them so much grief and given them burdens they should never have been given...or you and your brothers....or me.

We each deal with pain and loss in our own ways....we can only react to a situation from our own points of see from your eyes...and I see from mine....and as much as I know that you are mature and honest and far seeing on many things in this one you are being extremely short sighted and immature. You want things back the way they use to be and that is impossible. Time doesnt stand still and it certainly doesnt rewind itself...if that were the case I would have been busy rewinding time long hopes of undoing the damage that has been done. We can only live in the here and now. We can say "what if" or "if only" or even "lets wait and see"...but in the end...whether you make a decision to act...or stand still and do nothing...time takes the decision and moves on...and you move on with it.

I apologize son for every instance in which I have failed you and your brothers and sisters. I apologize for the pain I wasnt able to deflect from you...from the fear or anger I wasnt able to deminish with the correct words of wisdom...I apologize for being indecisive when a firm hand was needed in many instances...and I apologize for being completely at a loss at times and not knowing which way to turn to find the answer. I apologize for many things son and I hope you will forgive me...but I will not apologize for making the decision to send your sisters to a better life...I put aside my selfish desires to keep them here with me just to make myself happy and order to bring some relief to them and get them the help they need so desparately. It huts now to be separated from them...but the benefits will far outshine this hurt...when they are on the road to healing themselves spiritually and mentally from the damage they have suffered. I wish you could see this son...I wish you could understand that I sent them away to make them whole again...even if the price that is paid is to make all of us miserable and lost. Even if the sacrifice made is isnt quite clear just yet...I know it will be worth it. All I can ask of you is patience...sometimes the things we want dont come to us right away...sometimes they dont come to us at all...and sometimes they come to us in ways we least expect...but we should never just wait for it to happen...but take steps to help it along.

I read in a medical book once that doctors will sometimes cut away perfectly healthy skin and muscle in order to prevent cancer from spreading...they have to be somewhat ruthless in order to be sure the cancer doesnt leave even one small cell behind for the growth to come back. In the short term the wound they make seems horrific...they have made it even bigger than it the long term...they saved a patients life. Sometimes we have to be ruthless and make the decision to make the wound order for it heal properly...and not come back to cause problems again in the future...I hope you understand that...if not now...then someday...and if you dont....all I can say is...Im sorry.


The Queen said...

Wow, your son sounds just like my daughter. She too was a fiercly independent 'old soul'. She had issues with me for walking her to kindergarten! I guess I was just a helicopter parent that way. LOL The problem is when they don't have as much maturity as they think they do.

I am feeling your pain.

Sabrina said...

I was extremely touched by your post. All what I can say, is that Allah grants you patience & helps you get out of all this chaos you find yourself in. I believe that after difficulties will be joy & happiness, thus I hope you put your hand in the hand of Allah. He is able to do miracles and help us in ways we don't even think of.
Remember: your case has happened, is happening & will happen (I hope not) to hundreds of families if not more, and not only you.
*I guess, the fact that you're putting down your feelings is so beneficial to keep your soul & mind relaxed.

Susie of Arabia said...

My Dear Friend CoolRed -
You are so brave and strong. Your family will heal, but it takes time. I hope your son realizes this and somehow finds the patience to carry him through. This post was very powerful - getting out these feelings and thoughts in writing will help you heal too. I think you are an extraordinary person. My best wishes and prayers are with you and your anguished family always.

The Queen said...

I just noticed your 'Serenity Prayer' you have on your banner. I have that posted up at work but mine ends just a little differently. ...and the wisdom to hide the bodies of all those who pissed me off today. Somehow it seems so very appropriate and gives me comfort right now. LOL

coolred38 said...

Thank you ladies...sometimes I feel like I dont have any answers and thats when he's listening the most...other times I feel quite intelligent and articulate...those are usually the times he doesnt listen at all...go figure.

L_Oman said...

Gosh darn it, CR! You have to warn me next time when it's gonna be one of those heart wrenching posts.


My thoughts and prayers are with you all...

Aafke said...

Coolred, what a beautiful way with words you have. I admire you so much, for what you have been through, and for how you are dealing with what you are going through now.
I admire you very much!!!!!!

Um Naief said...

children mimic what they've seen or see. hopefully your son will come to have anger, but not let it consume him... and w/ your guidance, hopefully he will heal from the pain that has hurt him and your family, as well as you.

my son is also extremely independent. use to wake me early in the mornings while i was pregnant w/ karate chops, and now wakes up very early as well. he's a tough little cookie... and is only 1 yr 8 mths... so i wonder what the yrs will hold. :)