There is a process we go through once we realized we've lost something...whether it be keys...a receipt...even our car in a multi storey carpark. We first try to remember the last place we saw that item...look there...if its not there then we think of where it must be if its not in its usual place...basically we backtrack until the lost item is eventually found. Most lost items are found either by diligent searching or completely by accident (I once found the remote for the tv in the fridge...much questioning among the household members did not reveal how it came to be there)...but sometimes...things once lost...stay lost.When we lose something that really has no value to us...such as a hat...or maybe a pair of sunglasses...we may spend a moment in private self recriminations on how can we be so scattered or empty headed when it comes to keeping our things where we can find them...but then we move on with our lives. A lost glove or pair of glasses does not end the world....but what happens when we've lost something that needs to be found? What happens when finding that missing thing is detrimental to our future...to our psyche...to our inner equalibrium and belief in who we are...what happens when lost things stay lost?
Of course we know that somethings just cant be found...cant be gotten back once lost...the most obvious thing being "time". A minute lost is lost forever...our youth once gone is gone. Many people have gone searching for youth...they imagine they've found it with the purchase of a new red sport car or a new young girlfriend or wife (holds true for women I suppose as well...all though I dare say women generally dont look for youth in a motor vehicle or young lover...but I could be wrong). However, what do we do when we lose something that could possibly be found again...we just dont know where to look? We cant really remember where the last place we saw it was...or even when? How do you find something that your not sure where you were when you lost it...and dont know where to look in order to find it again?
See...heres the thing....Ive lost God...Ive spent considerable time searching for God...looked in all the usual places I often found God before...like in prayer...or in the Quran. I searched diligently in those areas but came up with nothing...God wasnt there. I searched in the mosque but that seems to be the last place I would find God since women arent generally accepted in the mosque here (other then Ramadan or Eid...go figure) so how can I adequately search for God in a place Im not even welcome for the most part? I tried looking for God among my fellow Muslims...but all I found was large doses of hypocrisy and self righteousness...of women haters and kafir bashers...I found jihadists and extremists and Muslims in name only...but I didnt find God...I heard God might have been there just before I arrived...but was long gone by the time I made the scene...I still looked around...hoping to catch a glimpse...no luck.
Last but hopefully not least...I searched for God within me. I lay in bed at night and just search my mind..my heart...my soul...looking for even the faintist piece of evidence that God is there...or was there...or might be there again. Ive left no "stone" unturned...Ive called out to God...cried for God...even cursed and blamed God for being lost in the first place...God must be pretty far away cause apparently God didnt hear me...at least I didnt get the sense God heard me while I laid there...holding my breath...straining my ears...trying to hear even the merest of whispers that God was somewhere near by....nothing....Im guessing I must be pretty empty inside these days cause mostly I just get echoes back when I call out to God...sigh!
Ive lost God dear readers...has anyone seen God...maybe let me no where I might have left Him? Its very important that I find God as I have somethings to tell Him...somethings to confess to Him...and I admit...Im in need for some answers from God as well. Or must I believe that this is just one of those things that can never be found again...once God is lost...He's lost forever?...anyone?
10 comments:
Very touching, Coolred. I do think for anyone on a spiritual journey that one must stop looking and start doing. It's not about religious ritual, for me. I think going somewhere that allows you to gain perspective and lighten your heart might bring some spiritual clarification. Perhaps God is found in the most God-forsaken places on earth. Good luck on your path.
This is such a powerful post. I wish I could help you in your quest. I think that God is hiding for now somewhere within your heart. I do hope that you will find him again soon...
Susie is right - such a powerful post, coolred.
I know that God is out there, but I'm in such a funk lately that I don't know how to get myself back on track. I just go through the motions of it all, I know I need to put my heart into it but it's just not there.
I have this overwhelming feeling of disappointment, yet I shouldn't because I am completely blessed.
I_Oman
I understand the funk part...sometimes I feel like Im just doing whats expected because its expected...not cause I feel it...you know?
Susie
Im really not sure if Ive got it inside me anymore...thats the problem...its feeling pretty empty in there these days...Ive had a lot to contend with this past 2 years...and its taken its toll.
Abu Dhabi
I understand the doing part...and Ive done what I believe needs doing...which is remove myself from this toxic location...I will be returning home at long last within a month or so. It feels like the right move for me...Im counting on it anyhow.
There must be something in the air or the water...I've always considered myself a decent role model and good Muslim. However this Ramadan in particular I am having a difficult time appreciating the joys of Ramadan and blessings from God. I realize part of it is because I am in Saudi Arabia and see too much hypocrisy going on in regards to how Ramadan is practiced that it makes me disenchanted and disillusioned.
americanbedu...i hear ya loud and clear...sigh.
This post was very touching and nearly moved me to tears. What an expression of heartfelt longing!
I will pray for you to find peace and joy in your life.
But why do you need to find god? How will you recognise god? Why exactly is god nessecary? Does god want to be found or just the human search for god is enough to satisfy god?
Profound questions. The quest for some of these answers is perhaps what faith or lack of it is about.
Nothing is absolute.
Sadiyah
Nearly a month has passed since you've written this post. Have you found Him yet? I've lost Him a few times myself. He comes and goes, but I no longer concern myself with His whereabouts. When He wants me, He'll know where to find me.
Interesting marahm....Ive thought in much the same vein sometimes...why must I be the one always looking for Him...why doesnt He come looking for me sometimes...maybe many Muslims would consider that blasphemous...but from where I stand...if your lost in the desert, mountains anywhere your unfamiliar with...most authority will tell you the best thing to do is stay in one spot and let yourself be found. When you wander your chances of being found diminish...so I would think that holds true for most things in life...yes?
btw still as lost as ever...sigh!
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