By nature Im at my best in the early morning...I like to get out of bed and take the day head on...rarely do I just lay in bed for nothing...there has to be a reason to keep me there...like two broken legs...or even worse....the horrid stomach flu.
This past week I was stuck in bed for two days because I had the infrequent visit from said stomach flu...it laid me low and had me promising only wholesome foods and swearing off takeaways for the rest of my life...if only the nausea would stop...ugh.
I dont think too much about it when Im sick. I generally get through it without too much complaint...I know that basically two things will happen...either I will get better and be done with it...or I will get worse and take it from there. Generally I get better....life goes on. Im not one to imagine the worst with every little bump or upset stomach when self diagnosing myself. I will rarely go to the doctor unless blood is seen or bones are protruding...I hate doctors...I hate hosp. Unfortunately, because I am an employee now...I am forced to go to the doctor for any illness that makes me feel I just cant get into work that day so that my employer can have medical verification that, yes, I was sick enough that filing and typing were quite beyond me for the day....or two. Even with medical permission from the doc I still feel as if Im playing hookey from work...by afternoon when I was sitting up and watching Wheel of Fortune on tv I was thinking to myself...well hell, I should have gone in...Im good. I wasted a sick day for this?...only to find myself saluting Mr Commode once again and wishing I would pass out just to get some sleep.
But generally I get through it and as I said...life goes on...I return to work and play catch up. There is really only one thing that can upset my morning routine at work...only that one thing that can take the bounce from my step...the smile from my face....the phone call that shatters my feel good bubble and gets my usually calm heart beat galloping away out of control...."hello, is this ........ mother? Please come to the school as your child is sick". Or worse than those words are these...."hello Mom, I took ...... to the doc cause he was complaining from stomach pain and they are now taking him to Sulmania thinking it might be his appendix!"......"Mom?.....Mom? did you hear me Mom?" ....yes of course I heard but upon hearing the words "appendix" I am instantly transported to my sons bedside that morning when he lay there complaining of stomach pains...and I assured him that he probably caught my stomach flu...not to worry cause it would pass and his sister was with him if he needed anything and anyhow, I couldnt stay home cause I had just missed two days of work.....and I left my son and went to work thinking he would be fine by the time I got home. It only took 2 hours for that particular lie to be exposed...she calls me and tells me he is all ready on his way in the ambulance...and all I can imagine is how terrified he must be to be in the ambulance alone...he is only 9....oh sorry, he is 10 now as his birthday was just 2 days ago...and any 10 year old would be crying for his mother...wanting her to be there to hold his hand...take away some of the fear with whispers that everything would be fine...oh wait...I all ready told him that this morning as I made my way uot the door...damn!
The feeling of helplessness that over comes a parent when a child is in danger or pain is without end...we flog ourselves with "if onlys" and "why didnt I"...and the mental anguish alone is enough to bring down even the strongest and most capable of men...and women. But I have found with having recently become a single parent to my children...that the feelings of guilt are doubled...as two parents we can sometimes pick up on what our spouse may have missed...but as a single parent...its all on you baby. Any mistakes made with your childrens health and safety cant be safely settled on someone else's shoulders...its your burden...and yours alone.
My mind raced with every possible scenario that could result from my son being taken to Sulmania and subjected to the fallible nature of medicine...doctors are good for sure...but they often miss things...what if they missed something terrible with my son....and Im not there to point out their possible potentially devastating mistake...as a Mom I should point out that Im smarter than doctors when it comes to reading my kids and diagnosing them ....oh damn...that was up until this week when I left my child in pain and turned my back on him and went to my very important job of filing and typing. Im secretly convinced the company would fold and file for bankruptcy if I didnt come in and do my job everyday. I must be if I thought it was more important than being there for him when he needed me....sigh.
I rushed to the hosp and found him lying in a bed in obvious pain...his face contorted...his body pulled up in a protective ball...his forehead sweaty and his fingers clenched. I quickly did my Mommy scan and could see that so far it didnt look as if anything had been done for him. I asked my daughter if the doc had seen him. She said that they did a quick look and then left....left? Left my son lying there suffering....I was enraged....whats wrong with this hospital...arent they supposed to help people who come in for heavens sake...not leave them lying in pain without aid
I stormed around looking for a doc...finally one showed up and she immediately calmed me down with soothing words and a brief rundown of what they planned to do for him. I was assured that, while they must check for his appendix...in all likely hood it wasnt that....but just stomach flu...as I had originally thought that morning. It hardly had the calming affect I was hoping for...since in my mind I could still see him be hauled into the ambulance alone and hearing the siren going all the while wondering where his only parent was at this most scariest of moments? Guilt is heavy burden to bear...if your a parent you know what I mean.
After several hours and several tests with x-rays...we were allowed to go home. Exhausted and irritable but thankful that all was fixable and with a few days rest would sort itself out....but my mind was still buzzing with those damn "what ifs" and "why didnt I's"...you cant escape them...they go back and forth in your mind worse than a song you cant get rid of.
Being a single parent takes on new meaning when its thrust on you after 20 years of basically not carrying much of the burden at all. My ex was a control freak and so most(all) the decisions concerning them was taken out of my hands and dealt with by him. He rarely discussed anything with me...didnt much listen when I had an opinion about them...and was generally always "right" when it came to deciding what was best for them....so when suddenly I found myself their only parent one day without too much warning and no training or practice despite having been a mother now for nearly 20 years...I felt the burden of responsibility fall full force onto my shaky and ill equipped shoulders. I was terrified of every "what if" that could possibly happen....thankfully not many of them have happened...and Ive got some good kids that generally keep themselves safe and use their brains on the whole before engaging in some activity...usually but not always. So the frequency in which I have to flog myself with guilt does not occur too often...thank God.
Anyhow...days later....crisis is past. We are all doing well and life goes on. Until the next crisis in which I promise to listen to my son....or daughter and give them my time and my presence when they need it most...and Im sorry Mr Nass if your company folds and declares bankruptcy because I stay home that day.....but you have 32 other companies to console yourself with...while I only have my kids to keep me content......and they have only me.