So it looks like 2010 has snuck up on you when it seems as if 2007 just barely passed. I know what your thinking...its not fair that time is moving so swiftly now where as before it crawled along with a snail like pace...because time has a different sort of quality now then it did before. You know what I mean...no need to explain.
This year is as good as any to set in motion all those dreams you've kept locked away in your head and heart for so long. Don't tell me you don't deserve to realize your dreams Coolred...everyone deserves to experience at least one dream come true. I know I know...finally returning to America must seem like a dream come true after being away for so long. The loneliness and despair can never be forgotten but they can be put to good use...write it all down girl. People love to hear about other peoples sorrows and miseries...doesn't hurt to try and make a buck or two off your "tragedies". Something good must be found in such tragic circumstances to make it all seem worth while. All those tears and frustrations, all that anger and abuse...every single moment in which you felt alone and forgotten...don't worry Coolred....you weren't alone...you weren't forgotten....you were just off the grid for awhile. Welcome back. Also, no need to tell you how cathartic writing has always been to you. I dont understand this reluctance you have shown in writing this story down...its all there in your head girl...it will practically write itself. What are you waiting for seriously?
Remember Coolred that life can be harsh and demanding...life can be corrupt and devious...life can be sneaky and controlling...but life can also be wonderful and glorious...life can be warm and loving...life can be whatever you make of it...so make it worthwhile. Forget the pain and abuse and only remember the love and warmth...it was in there girl...you don't have to look too hard even though I know its not something that comes easy for you at times. Life is love...nothing else matters in the end.
One more thing Coolred...don't let anyone tell you "you cant" anymore. I realize in the past that circumstances meant you literally could not make decisions for yourself...not your fault. You were young and naive and stepped into the black without so much as a flashlight. Took you a long time to find your way out again but you did...you did...in the end that is what matters. You found your way out. Remind yourself Coolred how much patience that took...how much strength that took...how much fortitude and perseverance that took to find your way out after being lost for so long. Tell yourself that Coolred and be proud. Its something worth being proud over...don't fool yourself for a second.
I know...I know...from the inside looking out it just seems like day to day existence...or even moment by moment...but know this...every moment that you endured and got passed...is another moment bringing you closer to the light. Be proud. It was no small feat. And because you did that...YOU DID THAT...nobody can tell you "you cant" anymore....only you can do that girl. Only you.
And please don't tell yourself "you cant" too often...pretty soon your talking yourself out of everything...and that's no life.
One more thing Coolred. Love is hard to come by. We can go our whole lives and not find it...the lucky few who do usually never even realize what they have...until the lose it. Don't lose the love you found Coolred. You can never get something like that back again. Believe me girl if you don't believe anything else...love lost is love gone forever. Between you and me...love should be shown to the world...there's enough hate going round...hate makes the nightly news...hate makes the newspaper headlines...but love...love hardly gets a mention except in a romantic comedy that lasts 2 hours then its over and you go home. I recommend those who love to let the world know it. Why keep love a secret? More on that later...we'll talk.
Oh yes...before I forget. I realize that you have sacrificed a great deal for your children. Since the moment you realized life grew in your belly you have thought of nothing else...made sacrifices that hurt as much as a severed limb...but you made them willingly and without regret. For your children you didn't hesitate to endure...endure...endure...for them no sacrifice was too big....but know this Coolred...children are selfish and have short memories. They are thankless and demanding. They quite often throw our sacrifices back into our faces and throw words at us like...."who asked you too"....or "why didn't you do something sooner"...things like that. Don't worry Coolred...they will understand someday...probably not for a great long while...maybe not even until they have a child of their own...but they will. Your good at being patient girl...you've already proven that...so be patient just a little while longer. But you know they love you anyhow...so whats your hurry?
This is your year Coolred...I can feel it. College is waiting to be conquered. A book is waiting to be written. Life is waiting to be lived...so go live it. And you and I both know you lost something awhile back that you just haven't been able to find no matter how hard you tried. Maybe you shouldn't try so hard girl...sometimes just letting it find you is about the only thing you can do....and sometimes things aren't really lost...they just aren't where we are looking for them. Maybe you just need to stop looking and let it find you. Its an option.
So take it easy Coolred...don't be so hard on yourself if you fail at something. Just pick yourself up and try again. And try and let go of that anger...its destroying you and the one your angry at certainly isn't worth it. And it wouldn't hurt to try and let people like you...being sociable never came hard to you before...just remember what it felt like...and relax. We can never have too many friends...but sometimes we can have too few. Go out and find some friends Coolred. Laughter shared is a good thing.
Take care and be well and don't be afraid to try...the most you will do is fail...but theres always next time. Get back to me in 12 months and tell me how it went. I'm sure you will be amazed at the things you have accomplished. I already am.