Dear Coolred,
So it looks like 2010 has snuck up on you when it seems as if 2007 just barely passed. I know what your thinking...its not fair that time is moving so swiftly now where as before it crawled along with a snail like pace...because time has a different sort of quality now then it did before. You know what I mean...no need to explain.
This year is as good as any to set in motion all those dreams you've kept locked away in your head and heart for so long. Don't tell me you don't deserve to realize your dreams Coolred...everyone deserves to experience at least one dream come true. I know I know...finally returning to America must seem like a dream come true after being away for so long. The loneliness and despair can never be forgotten but they can be put to good use...write it all down girl. People love to hear about other peoples sorrows and miseries...doesn't hurt to try and make a buck or two off your "tragedies". Something good must be found in such tragic circumstances to make it all seem worth while. All those tears and frustrations, all that anger and abuse...every single moment in which you felt alone and forgotten...don't worry Coolred....you weren't alone...you weren't forgotten....you were just off the grid for awhile. Welcome back. Also, no need to tell you how cathartic writing has always been to you. I dont understand this reluctance you have shown in writing this story down...its all there in your head girl...it will practically write itself. What are you waiting for seriously?
Remember Coolred that life can be harsh and demanding...life can be corrupt and devious...life can be sneaky and controlling...but life can also be wonderful and glorious...life can be warm and loving...life can be whatever you make of it...so make it worthwhile. Forget the pain and abuse and only remember the love and warmth...it was in there girl...you don't have to look too hard even though I know its not something that comes easy for you at times. Life is love...nothing else matters in the end.
One more thing Coolred...don't let anyone tell you "you cant" anymore. I realize in the past that circumstances meant you literally could not make decisions for yourself...not your fault. You were young and naive and stepped into the black without so much as a flashlight. Took you a long time to find your way out again but you did...you did...in the end that is what matters. You found your way out. Remind yourself Coolred how much patience that took...how much strength that took...how much fortitude and perseverance that took to find your way out after being lost for so long. Tell yourself that Coolred and be proud. Its something worth being proud over...don't fool yourself for a second.
I know...I know...from the inside looking out it just seems like day to day existence...or even moment by moment...but know this...every moment that you endured and got passed...is another moment bringing you closer to the light. Be proud. It was no small feat. And because you did that...YOU DID THAT...nobody can tell you "you cant" anymore....only you can do that girl. Only you.
And please don't tell yourself "you cant" too often...pretty soon your talking yourself out of everything...and that's no life.
One more thing Coolred. Love is hard to come by. We can go our whole lives and not find it...the lucky few who do usually never even realize what they have...until the lose it. Don't lose the love you found Coolred. You can never get something like that back again. Believe me girl if you don't believe anything else...love lost is love gone forever. Between you and me...love should be shown to the world...there's enough hate going round...hate makes the nightly news...hate makes the newspaper headlines...but love...love hardly gets a mention except in a romantic comedy that lasts 2 hours then its over and you go home. I recommend those who love to let the world know it. Why keep love a secret? More on that later...we'll talk.
Oh yes...before I forget. I realize that you have sacrificed a great deal for your children. Since the moment you realized life grew in your belly you have thought of nothing else...made sacrifices that hurt as much as a severed limb...but you made them willingly and without regret. For your children you didn't hesitate to endure...endure...endure...for them no sacrifice was too big....but know this Coolred...children are selfish and have short memories. They are thankless and demanding. They quite often throw our sacrifices back into our faces and throw words at us like...."who asked you too"....or "why didn't you do something sooner"...things like that. Don't worry Coolred...they will understand someday...probably not for a great long while...maybe not even until they have a child of their own...but they will. Your good at being patient girl...you've already proven that...so be patient just a little while longer. But you know they love you anyhow...so whats your hurry?
This is your year Coolred...I can feel it. College is waiting to be conquered. A book is waiting to be written. Life is waiting to be lived...so go live it. And you and I both know you lost something awhile back that you just haven't been able to find no matter how hard you tried. Maybe you shouldn't try so hard girl...sometimes just letting it find you is about the only thing you can do....and sometimes things aren't really lost...they just aren't where we are looking for them. Maybe you just need to stop looking and let it find you. Its an option.
So take it easy Coolred...don't be so hard on yourself if you fail at something. Just pick yourself up and try again. And try and let go of that anger...its destroying you and the one your angry at certainly isn't worth it. And it wouldn't hurt to try and let people like you...being sociable never came hard to you before...just remember what it felt like...and relax. We can never have too many friends...but sometimes we can have too few. Go out and find some friends Coolred. Laughter shared is a good thing.
Take care and be well and don't be afraid to try...the most you will do is fail...but theres always next time. Get back to me in 12 months and tell me how it went. I'm sure you will be amazed at the things you have accomplished. I already am.
Yours truly
Coolred
10 comments:
Hi Coolred! I love this letter to yourself. Wish I could write like that.... On the topic of college look into the CLEP tests. So far I've Clep'd 24 hours. I know, I know sounds like some kind of venereal disease. But seriously I know you could do the English with one hand tied behind your back.Many online schools will accept up to two years of clep credits.I'm going to finish with Western Governors University after many years of dreaming about it.So Google this stuff and get going(you're younger than me so it should be easier, right?)Look for an open clep test center.Happy new year! May all your dreams come true!
An excellent letter to yourself. Some years take longer than others (2007-2010 in your case) but are worth the passing.
Re: your anger. Remember that "Living well is the best revenge", and live extremely well, realizing your dreams, and helping your children realize theirs.
Do I hear the voices of adolescents in those recriminations? Remember that adulthood is a long purgatory for the sins of adolescence, and hope for their sakes that they learn to sin less (breaking the injunction/commandment to honour thy mother) the self-interest of a more pleasant adulthood.
Start writing THE BOOK by setting aside a period of time EACH DAY for writing THE BOOK, even if it is only 1/2 hour, and do it even if you only re-read what you wrote. OR fix a number of words/pages per day, and do it even from your hospital bed if necessary. Think the blind Milton, Borges, and Mafouz, and don't be a wuss!
All the best to you and the gang for 2010!
Here's to a new year and the courage for each of us to recognize our own weaknesses!
Hey Coolred,
I think we got lots in common. Im obsessed with your blog.
I sooooooooooooooooo wish you a happy new years and a new life. Im hoping for that myself too.
Lady I dont suppose you ever thought youd be support for someone in a similar situation but I need you!!!
I cant publish me email cause I know too many people that read your blog.
Could you publish yours?
Anonoynous and hurting!
What a beautiful letter! I think we should all do this.
Nothing happens in life without a goal and commitment. You have certainly had both and you did it! Here's to the next goal! Cheers! May God continue to bless you and your family, now and always!
Salaamu Alaikum Coolred!
I just wanted to comment about the statement where you wrote: children are selfish and have short memories. They are thankless and demanding. They quite often throw our sacrifices back into our faces and throw words at us like...."who asked you too"....
Well, I know you understand that your children will one day realize what you have done was for them, but I just want to reassure you that inshallah yes one day they will. My mother went through a LOT with my father (very abusive. Big cheater.) She had to do so many things that hurt her like crazy, but she did it for us; her children. Growing up I didn't realize the extent of what she had done, i was truly ignorant. I'm sure many, many of times i have said 'who asked you to' or 'you should have done it sooner/later'....but now that i'm older, I am starting to realize what she went through. It breaks my heart with guilt the way i treated her sometimes. We have a great relationship now (we did then too..but now its better) and she says the fact that we are on such good terms allows her to be more patient with my little sister, who is um...a brat at the moment (sometimes lol. she's 8, its understandable).
So whenever you forget what you wrote yourself in the letter, just know that others have gone through similar situations and have come out on the other end all the better for it.
Hi Cool red
I just want to tell you what a fabulous person you are! Your words are truly inspiring and just wanted to thank you!
I think you should write your book and I am sure it would be a big seller. Reading snippets of your blog,I have found you are genuine,witty and humorous!
I can see a little of myself when reading your letter to yourself.
Like you say life is waiting to be lived so go live it!
make your dreams come true!!
I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE this letter. It is the beginning of a whole new life for you. It can be so frustrating at times when we want something and life doesn't seem to cooperate in our time frame. But all your goals are achievable with some goal setting and commitment, which I know you have in spades!!
Children can be a rascally and ungrateful bunch. It wasn't until I had my daughter and was overwhelmed by exhaustion because it seemed she never slept that I started to relate to how much my mother must have loved me, yes, even when she was yelling at me on occasion. I called her up crying one day thanking her for all her sacrifice and love and commitment. But I didn't fully understand until I was a mother myself. They'll get there...give them time. You've raised them right. Motherhood is the most thankless job on the planet.
Failure is only one step closer to success. I am excited for you ...this is your year! You have come through so much that was so much tougher...
Forgiveness is tough. My dad and I had some serious issues years ago. I realized I was the only one suffering from the anger. He was fine. It was eating me alive and keeping me from moving forward. People say we shouldn't forgive those that were so horrible to us. But forgiveness is not for them...it is a gift we give to ourselves to release ourselves from the feelings that are holding us back. Once the energy that used to be dedicated to anger and pain is channeled into other areas...that is one POWERFUL engine to success.
All the best for 2010 and many more New Years to come.
Success is you standing on top of failure, CoolRed.
Wishing only the best for you and your children. Happy New Year!
always...not sure what CLEP is but Im going to actually be going to college here in a couple weeks. All signed up and bonafide...LOL. Congrats to you for what you have accomplished...and I hope I can do the same. Yay us!!
Chiara...as always...sound advice. From your lips to my ears girl. Thank you.
Stacey...here here!!! The only problem with finally recoginizing a new weakness..is that another one comes along to mess you all up. LOL.
Anon...Im glad your getting something from my blog...whatever it is if it helps more power to you. You can email me at coolred1968@yahoo.com or chat with me on yahoo...my ID is mykids38. Look forward to hearing from you.
Angel...thank you for the well wishes and the same back at you.
Alabaster...my heart knows Ive got the best kids in the world...my mind tells me they are a pain in the backside with the things they say...it all evens out. LOL. I remember everyday of my mothers suffering at the hands of my father (us kids too) so I know whats what Thanks for the commment.
Anon #2...Im happy you like my blog and get something from it. I shall endeavor to spend more time on it now that the second job will be over soon. I miss regular blogging...and I hope some of you do too...lol.
oby...I agree with everything you said. My hardest stumbling block to leaving the past behind is to get over this overwhelming anger that takes up entirely too much of my life. I KNOW its doing me more harm then him (considering its not harming him at all..right)so I just need to Let. It. Go. *sigh* easier said then done. Trying tho.
Janice...thank you and the same to you and yours.
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