Yesterday was my 39 birthday(gasp)...how did I reach this point in my life? Where did all the years between 18 and 39 go? It seems while I was living it that it went excruiatingly slow...I was suffering an abusive marriage...living in a foreign country...had nobody to share my misery with or send the loneliess scurrying....so you better believe time went slow as molasses. And yet, here I am, 39 and when I look back it all seems like a blur. I find myself asking me what have I done in my life to make sense of me being here? What did God created me for and have I fullfilled that purpose...if I havent(and I hope to God I havent)...then what can I do to achieve it. If I have....damn, I got to wonder if that was the best God expected from me cause I certainly expected a whole lot more.....from me.
At any rate, Ive decided to change it up a bit. People say you cant change someone....you can only change yourself and I cant say that Ive particularly liked who Ive been all this 39 years. I could definitely do with some improvement...inside and out. I realize that its not New Years so its a bit early for resolutions but I'll consider Nov 18th my New Year...and its a countdown to Nov 18th, 2008...Ive got one year to change who I am and be something more....whatever that more is Im not real sure of right now....maybe it will come to me as I go along. On the eve of my 4oth birthday I want to look back on this day...right now....and tell myself...damn girl, what happened to you? I hardly recognize you....lost all that weight, got some more exducation swirling around in your head....maybe got a better job(or just liking the one I got a little more)....and speaking with more authority on the one thing that interests me more than anything else at the moment....Islam. I hope I can look back and say....you came a long way baby...I hope I can do that. I dont want to be 40 and in the same condition, situation, mental quagmire that Im in right now. We are supposed to change and evolve and learn new things and put them to use and in general make our lives better, different, more exciting, more ambitious, more determined...more....just more really. I want more is what Im saying I guess. I feel like Ive been cheated out of my life in some way...nothing I dreamed of doing when I was young happened...even came close to happening. I feel cheated from that....I know what your saying,....my life it what it is ....was what it was....we might expect certain things to happen but just cause they didnt doesnt mean we had a right to them...right? I know thats true for those that tried and failed or never even tried....but I might point out to those that care that I was never even given the chance to try...my life was not my own....another story.
At any rate, that is what I will do for the next 363 days....try. Try to be more outgoing...try to be more assertive...try to say what I really want to say and not just what I know people expect to hear...try to take chances and not let fear lead me away from obvious chances at improvement. i want to try new things and get excited about discovery, learning, improving, changing, evolving...you name it I want to experience it.
If I had one dream that I could fullfill given the chance though this is what it would be...study in college about Islam, about Women in Islam, about Islam and Culture, about Islam and Govt, Islam and Sharia, Islam and History....you name it I want to study it. I want to fill myself up with words words and more words about this religion of mine...I want those words to imprint on my mind....on my heart....I want to speak with authority and not with trepidation, I want to prove my points with confidence and not hesitation....I want more of what I have now...sigh.
At any rate, this was just a rambling post with no real purpose except to get some thoughts in cyber space....one year from now I will come back and see if I succeded in getting more of whatever it was I went after. I'll keep you posted. More on that later.