Sunday, November 25, 2007

Listen to your mother little girls!!

God made pairs in all of creation. As humans we are meant to be paired with another soul in order to find peace and solace...comfort and joy...guidance and acceptance by at least one other person on the planet. A lonely life awaits for those that cant find their other half...

Im 39 years old now and in all of this 39 years I have had men in my life....but no Man. My biological father was a drunk that....while not mean or abusive...just wasnt there. It seemed his whole purpose in life was to donate sperm on the odd occasion my mother allowed him into her bed. She did this more times then she would like to admit to...but I guess she had a soft spot for him. She decided after 4 kids with an absent father that she needed to change herself since waiting for him to change wasnt doing her much good. She divorced my dad...packed her kids and her belongings in a car and off she went....barely old enough to fend for herself much less take care of 4 kids alone.....but sometimes we reach our limit and to accept the situation as it is just cannot be tolerated one more minute. Little did she know she was stepping out of the frying pan into the fire.

Quite soon after she met a tall good looking strong bodied man who took charge and swept her off her feet. Didnt take more than a few weeks to realize that he was a controlling, possessive, jealous, angry man....but it was too late....controlling, possessive, jealous angry men dont let go of the one they subject these emotions to do they. So instead of having an alcoholic for a father...her children now had an emotionally and physically abusive one for a father.

They say that we marry our fathers if we are girls(does that hold true for boys as well) and I would have to agree with that adage as Im living proof. I realized I had married my step-father not long into my marriage...but as was the case with my then it was too late to unmake the mistake. 20 years later and the mistake has finally been corrected...but at what price?

I have 2 daughters that have only ever known an abusive father...has it all ready been decided for them that they will "marry" their father...or is the choice still up to them? Is there still a chance to correct the emotional damage that has been done and teach them that they deserve better than that...and shouldnt accept anything less?

Im living now without a man in my life...Ive lived my whole life without a Man in my life. I wonder what it would feel like to have a man....a real man....a man that showed compassion and mercy, a man that felt sympathy and remorse...a man that could talk out problems and not beat them into submission...a man that was a honest on the inside as the image he protrayed to the outside world. Does such a man exist out there and am I allowed to have one...or has it been predetermined that I can only ever have what my mother had...and what her mother had(an abusive alcoholic as well)...and are my daughters doomed to living without a real man too because its in our genes or something?

How do we get out of the cycle of violence and do we change what seems to be written in stone for do I unteach my daughters what their father taught them...that a man hits when he's angry...that a man shouts when he's angry...that a man belittles and demeans when he's angry...that a man accuses and punishes when he's angry....and that a woman should do all she can possibly do...even if it means to disrespect herself at all costs in order to keep him from being angry. Anger is the monster that must be that the kind of marriage that awaits them?

Im sad for my girls...I weep for them. I pray that my mistakes will not be their mistakes. I pray that my failures will not be their failures. I pray that when they are about to make a mistake that will have dire and long reaching affects in their life...that they will listen to me when I point out to them what they are doing...not listening to your mother is what gets most girls into these abusive marriages in the first place. Not listening is what keeps the cycle of violence going round.

I have 3 boys as well....I worry for them about what they have learned about being a man...being a husband...being a father. Are they doomed to lead a life in which being a real Man has little meaning to them...only action? Violence being the means of keeping control...I wonder if they will remember me...remember their sisters when the time comes for them to marry...and the choice is presented to get angry and react...or to calm down and listen. Not listening to your mothers is what turns most boys into angry monsters.

I pray for my children that the angry monster that has dominated their forefathers(or should I say foremothers) will not be a curse on them that they cannot escape....I pray that the monster is dead....death to the monster....may you never rest in peace.


Dawn said...

For what one example may be worth, it IS possible to break the cycle. My mother did it, but only after watching both her mother and grandmother suffer in silence. However, it was very much a conscious decision on her part, made, as she tells it, at a very young age. And I can certainly verify that my father is about as opposite to my mother's father as it is possible to get. My Dad was and still is a wonderful father and husband. So don't give up hope for your girls!

coolred38 said...

Thank you for the shining example that our fate is not written in stone.

Belkycita said...

I also had a very loving father but with alcohol problems and when he was drunk things were bad here, not with us but with my mom. I was sure I wouldn't marry because I didn't want that for me. My mother sacrificed EVERYTHING to get me out of our home country, I moved to the US and now I have a life I never dreamed of having. A wonderful man that is more than I thought existed in this world. There is hope for your daughters, it will be hard, I saw my mom suffer more than I thought a person could, we had no food sometimes but now, I could not be more grateful for her sacrifices.
I just moved to KSA, I am living in KAUST and came upon your blog. It is shocking to learn about this place and I hope we, as a community can make some changes for the better.
Best of luck to you and your children.

coolred38 said...

Belkycita...thank you for stopping by. Im happy you got out of that situation and moved on.

Oh I wrote this post so long ago...Im happy to say my oldest daughter has found a wonderful man and I couldnt be happier for her. I hope she has a truly better life than I did..or that she started with.