Things I lost in the fire

When I was 16 our house burned down. What I remember about this horrible time in our lives was how devastated my mother was about pictures she feared she had lost. Pictures of my sister that had passed away when she was 5. From all the things in our house, and my parents were fairly well off ...both having pretty decent jobs at the time, so our house had lots of things that many of my friends did not... those pictures were the only things my mother cried over. Later she was nearly hysterical when she found her pictures had been smoke damaged and a little singed...but were still in good shape. She clung on to the photo albums for the next few days while we stayed in a hotel and my parents went about the business of starting over with almost nothing. I hate to confess to this...but I wasnt nearly as affected by that fire as I know I should have been. My most pressing concern was when I would be back in school...a burned down house meant only one thing to my abused mind. I was now forced to stay in constant close proximity to my father. While my mother was crying and moaning over each remembered item that was now gone forever...plagued by thoughts of "what if"...as in what if we had been in the house at the time...sleeping ...we could have been killed...I was trying to figure out how best to "disappear" in a small hotel room with nowhere to hide.

My father, who had the worst temper at the best of times...was on a rampage. Determined to discover how it had happened...ready to blame a myriad of causes...from faulty wiring to "suspicious people" he had seen near our house at one time or another. We lived outside town in a fairly isolated area...and didnt get many visitors. Later my mother, my sister and I got the suspicious feeling that my father himself had actually burned the house down. Some odd behavoir on his part seemed to confirm this fact to us...but of course we never let him know we suspected him...nor did we indicate our suspicions when the fire marshal came out to investigate. Funny enough...my own father tried to pin the fire on me by laying suspicion at my feet with a few choice phrases to the fire marshal. However, when he asked me to sit with him in his truck and answer some questions...even though I felt as if I was probably guilty of something (authority always makes you feel guilty even when your not) I also got the feeling that the fire marshall also suspected my father...but couldnt prove it. My father was an abusive psycho...but he was smart as hell. I had no problems believing that he was quite capable of burning down our house and making it look like an accident....or even pointing the finger of guilt my way. Thankfully the fire marshall did not pursue that particular line of thought....but I digress...

One thing I learned about that fire though is this...many many things we think of as important in our lives...things we just cant 'live without" are for the most part...a waste of space and money. We lost a great many things that day...we lost nearly everything...but I still had my mother and my sister...all those things were hardly worth a passing thought. I may have missed my new clock radio I had bought with babysitting money...and my school jacket...yearbooks...personal little knick knacks accumulated over time...but as days...and then weeks passed...they just became "things I lost in the fire". I got over it and moved on.

Right now Im sort of experiencing another kind of "fire". Im busy with the process of moving from one country to another. Im going home. However I find that I dont have enough money to ship my many years of accumulated things home and so I must go through them and decide whats "important" and what are just "things". I would hate for anyone to have to try and take on this emotional and heartbreaking task. School reports for 5 kids over 15 years may not be "important documents" but they are memories...memories I have to leave behind because every pound counts. The many many books I have that are like long time friends...are now gone over with a fine tooth comb...only the most beloved are making the trip with me...the rest must be given away. Oh it pains me to leave my books behind....sigh! For sure my photos are going with me...and I have alot of them...but I have been forced to go through even them and get rid of duplicates and those that are "without purpose". Every corner of the house...every shelf...every drawer holds memories of some kind or another...and I must make the painstaking decision whether or not that 'memory" is worth paying for to ship across the globe...every pound counts...aarrgghhhh! My heart is on fire....damn!

Things I lost in that fire many years ago still cross my mind on occasion but for the most part I dont think much about it...Im hoping that the devastation I feel for the things I lose in this "fire" will eventually fade with time too. Most of these things are attached to memories of my children in some way...so of course the pain is so much worse then lost year books or clock radios...but as long as I have the memories still locked in my mind...then the fire cant touch them. Im good...but oh how my heart burns....damn!

So sort me out all ready...would ya?

I was born Nov 18, 1968 to a young abused housewife that escaped her poverty stricken family life to wed a soon to be life long alcoholic at the heartbreakingingly young age of 14. The fact that at 14 she viewed marriage as the "better" alternative life choice to remaining among her own siblings and parents says much about what poverty can lead you to do....to do whatever you can to break free from it. Thus she set her course for the life that followed...and mine as well. Long before I was even a glimmer in my mothers eye (or an egg ready to be fertilized) my path in life had seemingly all ready been started for me. It makes me wonder if I ever had any choice in the matter when you come down to it.

I wonder sometimes just how much of life is what we make of it...and how much is what it makes of us? What are the rules exactly and who decides the penalties for failing to observe them? Many of us choose to believe that a Higher Power is in control and makes all the "thou shall nots" and metes out the punishment for disobedient transgressors. I use to believe that too...but Im sort of coming to the conclusion based on evidence abundantly given that life... "just is". Two little words pretty much sums it up....for me.

Religious folk will tell you that everything "happens for a reason" whether we mere humans understand those reasons or not. That God "works in mysterious ways" and we just have to "believe and have faith" that things will work out for the better...either in this life or the next. When you come right down to it....all they are telling you is that...life..."just is"...we cant really do anything about it so leave it up to the Higher Power to sort it all out....and meanwhile we can busy ourselves with prayer in hopes that we can influence the eventual "sorting out".

When I was a child I believed in prayer...at least I believed my whispered words of desperation flew out into the night like a frantic messenger urgently seeking out its recipient posthaste. I never doubted my prayer reached its intended target...even though evidence seemed to negate that belief. Daddy never stopped his hellish ways...never just up and left...never mysteriously disappeared into the night never to return...and most certainly never considered having a full blown and fatal heartattack...even though his diet was rich in all the fatty foods doctors warn against. Despite my many many anguished whispered prayers of reprieve...or salvation...of an "ordinary life"...what ever that was...despite the fact that none of that ever came close to happening...I still believed my prayers meant something...that a Higher Power was listening and determined to get back to me...eventually....but maybe it was all rather abitrary you know...like mail...sometimes the letter just didnt find its way...even when the address was clearly printed and stamp firmly affixed...sometimes the letter doesnt ever get the chance to arrive and be opened because life "just is" and we cant do anything about it.

I know without a doubt that there are plenty of people on the planet at this very moment that wish they had my life...compared to the hell they are living...my life must seem like a dream THEY aspire for. I have my children ...a car...a job (of sorts)..fairly decent health (could lose weight...I know).....and money most of the time...not a lot...but enough to get by. Thats a hell of a lot more than most people have...but if I knew who these people were that might look at my life and envy me...that wish they had what I have and just "pray" for whatever I dont have...I would have to tell them that for sure I have stuff...I have things...I have knick knacks and doo dads...and plenty of whatchamacallits...but I dont have the one thing that I want the most...that one thing that I cry for...ache for...miss with a deep seated pining that no devoted lover ever came close to feeling for a lost love...I dont have faith...belief...that my prayers had any affect whatsoever...that the moment they left my lips they did not fly off into the night desparate to find the One in charge...so He could sort out my worries and rescue me from evil...but instead fell to the floor at my feet with leaden finality...like a balloon that held so much promise but burst...and now is useless...garbage. The longer I have lived and the more prayers that have seemingly ended up at my feet...the more I believe prayers are for nothing...just to keep the sheep quiet and content believing Someone was in charge and keeping track and all would be made fair someday. Despite my faith...my belief...that prayers were good...prayers were needed...prayers were like a form of magic...it seems that life just continuously kicks all that aside and tells me straight out again and again...prayers are for Disney movies and hospital bedsides...but ....life....LIFE JUST IS!!!

Life "just is"...if you can convince me other wise...Im all ears.

Culturally Speaking....my friends

Ive been a long time writer to the local newspaper, the Gulf Daily News ( gulf-daily-news.com ) and have made quite a name for myself along the way. Not always good because I tend to write about things that piss me off about the culture etc...but people recognize my name on occasion and thats always interesting. Ive also been contacted by people far and near that have read those letters and want to get to know the person that wrote them...or just give me a few words of encouragement or praise with urges to keep up the "good work". At any rate...its always nice to get those personal emails etc...when the words you write that mean so much to yourself also have an affect on someone else....well thats just cream on top...so to speak.

Anyhow, one particular American lady got hold of the local paper early last year and inquired about contacting me based on my letters she had been reading while in Bahrain. The newspaper forwarded her request to me and left it up to me to get back with her...I did...eventually....I think it was something like 5 months later...Im terrible at socializing. Anyone that knows me will tell you its true. So I hemmed and hawed for maybe 5 months and just glanced at her email now and then before choosing to ignore it and forget about it for another few weeks...until the day I chose to finally reply...an interesting day indeed.

Her name is Mary Coons...shes an author from Minnesota and was in the process of fleshing out an idea for a book she wanted to write about Americans and Bahrainis...and having read my letters she wanted to meet me for an interview etc...and eventually put my thoughts in her book. To say I was flattered hardly describes it. It just so happened that she travels back and forth to Bahrain because her husband works here...and when I finally got around to replying to her email...she had just returned to Bahrain once again for a visit. So we made an appt for a meet up...and I sweated out some freaked out bullets because Im seriously anti social...did I mention that? Im fine when it comes to writing...no restraint or social politeness required there...but face to face meetings just leave me...shall I say...less than "at my best". I tend to scare people away (their words not mine) because of my unwillingness to smile...or make nice...or just generally be warm and sociable (20 years married to a contol freak that monitored my every move and raged in a fit of jealousy for every smile I had the nerve to let flicker across my face might have something to do with it...you think?)

At any rate...we met up (I took along my best friend...yes I do have one...she found her way past my gruff exterior and learned to love me anyways...for sociable support...shes constantly whispering for me to "smile for Gods sake") and thus our literary journey began...and here is the final result...

Anyone that would like to check out Mary's book can go to culturallyspeak.com and I believe its for sale on Amazon.com as well and is available here in Bahrain at Jashanmals as well. A VIP book launch event is scheduled for 8pm tonight at the Shaikh Ebrahim bin Mohammed Al Khalifa Centre for Culture and Research, Muharraq. Yours truly will be present as well as all those in Bahrain that took part as interviewees in her book. I might add that I had a bit more to do then just be a candidate for interview for her book...my best friend and I have worked with her to get it published and presented to the public in Bahrain as well as get it presented to the local hoity toities as well....so my interest in the successfulness of the book goes a little beyond just letting everyone know my name and opinion were thought good enough to make it in someone else's literary efforts.

The book is called Culturally Speaking: Promoting Cross Cultural Awareness in a Post 9/11 World...by Mary Coons...check it out people...tell me what you think. If you read Arabic an interview she and I did with Al Wasat newspaper should be in there today...I havent checked yet...so not sure....but I do know she's in the GDN today...check her out people.

btw the only opinions in the book I fully endorse are my own..it goes without saying.
I also have no idea why the font size has changed and for some reason wont change back...such is life of a "know nothing about computers" blogger.

update* apparently we are in todays Al Wasat (alwasatnews.com )newspaper but Ive been told the writer who did our interview did not express our thoughts quite as well as we would have hoped. Some harsh words have been spoken on our behalf...but whats done is done. Im not sure what exactly the problem is just yet...but if the interview sounds strange...maybe thats why?

That damn emotion...always gets in the way.

Sometimes...as we lay in our beds thinking...wondering...trying to decide what is the best decision...the best choice to make when both choices will cause pain...we let that damn emotion get in the way. While we sit at a long traffic light and try not to become impatient....we think about our two choices...and let that damn emotion get in the way. When cooking dinner....or taking a shower....or blogging...our minds are always busy...thinking about our two choices...and that damn emotion gets in the way.

When Im looking at you...seeing your face...hearing your voice...feeling your love...I decide emphatically that I will choose one over the other...no doubt about it...no regrets....but when Im alone...seeing only my face...hearing only my voice...feeling no love for myself...I know I have too choose this one over that one...and no doubt about it..... but as always...that damn emotion gets in the way.

Is it better to have loved and lost....then not to have loved at all? Is it better to regret and leave...then to regret and stay? My heart shudders...it pulses and burns with indecision...it nearly cleaves in two...half for you...half for them...is half enough for anyone? ...oh how that damn emotion gets in the way.

I pack my belongings...again and again...but only in my head...in reality I dare not buy a suitcase...for its accusing looks and empty bottom will beckon me to fill it...and fill it I will...an empty suitcase cannot go unfilled...for that is the purpose of a new suitcase bought...yes? An old suitcase can be forgotten...left on the shelf...borrowed to a friend...but a new suitcase....fresh off the store shelf...must be filled...but that damn emotion gets in the way.

How do I make this decision...how can I decide when either decision will surely kill me...slowly...and painfully...every breath I take after my choice is made will stab my heart with a terrible bloodletting...with every stabbing there is emotional blood lost...how much emotional blood can a broken heart hold?...and that damn emotion always always always...gets in the way.

For every beginning there is an end...so why do we begin?

OMG!! that damn emotion!!!

Doing a little reminiscing...

Ive been blogging now for over a year and feel that I have come along way in such a short time...not necessarily in quality of content (I wish...sigh)...but mostly because I started out as an extremely angry Muslim with post such as this one link and this onelink and lets not forget this onelink... and this one... link ....ok ok...I need some therapy....I admit it. I was hopping mad in those days ( I still can manage to reach those levels of brainbusting anger...but Ive decided to care less in order to avoid emminent heartfailure).

Damn! I was just soooo angry back then...and that wasnt that long ago...now a days much the same crap is going on in the Muslim world...but I find myself, rather than wasting blog space on ranting about it...just shaking my head and turning the page. You just get use to seeing the headlines screaming out the latest Muslim atrocity and its a God damned shame that one has to get use to such failure of the Muslim world to step up to the plate and address this constant source of shame and degredation of Islam. All though I can still get irritated enough to post a comment on someone elses blog when I read something I disagree with.

I decided some months back to just let it go really...I have plenty of things to be angry about in my life...Im trying to shed alot of that load because anger just eats you up and leaves nothing behind but bitterness and regret....two very hard pills to swallow at the best of times. I spent most of my life being a fairly calm and patient person because to be otherwise would have resulted in my mental demise...no doubt about that...so to stress and rant about what a large portion of the Muslim world is getting up to just drains the soul on a daily basis...the soul can only be drained so much....I hate to imagine me with a compeltely empty soul...and I must admit there have been some times when I felt really close to that...but Ive always managed to pull myself back from the brink...my soul can thank me later....or not.

Anyhow...my posts became somewhat light hearted at times...occasional ranting focused more on the ineptitude of assorted Ministries in Bahrain or the always rantable driving standards of this little Oasis (not!)...plenty of fodder there and that sort of anger quickly comes...and quickly goes...lifes too short to stress about such things....but Muslims...Muslims just have me down plain and simple. When I spend too much time thinking about some of my fellow Muslims I just start filling up with lots of negative energy and start snapping at everyone around me...its a downward cycle thats best avoided and makes for a happier me...more or less.

I guess the point of this blog...if ever there was a point (debatable I know) is that unless Im prepared to do something about the many many Muslims on the planet that view Islam as a man made (particularly Arab man) code of unethical human rights transgressions then I guess its better to shut the hell up....the ole Put Up or Shut Up! mantra...and really...I find myself caring less and less about what other Muslims are doing...I figure about the best I can do right now...for me...is the occasional comment on a blog...or maybe a bumpersticker that says something pithy like...."For Fucks Sake....They Arent Real Muslims" ..ok...it needs some work...anyway...

more on that later.

So I bought myself some rollerblades....!!!

When I was young rollerskating was the rage. Hardly a day went
by that several kids werent out in the streets getting some much
needed exercise...fresh air...and losing a fair amount of skin in the
process....but it was FUN!!! scrapes and all.


These traditional white skates were the usual picks for the girls and boys generally had the black ones that took about an hour to lace up properly when you first got a pair but once you had the knack you could be good to go in as little as 15 minutes. I loved that feeling of being able to glide along without a whole lot of effort...and then once you had been skating awhile and took the skates off...you felt like you were still gliding in a peculiar kind of way...way cool!


Eventually a new kind of skate came out that only the more "well to do" kids seem to own. These tennis shoe skates were a must have that few of us ever got (at least in my neighborhood). I remember when the girl next door got the first pair on our block...she would spend copious amounts of time doing the laces just right. Another 10 minutes dusting off the leather etc...and then for the most part she might spend as little as 10 minutes actually skating...and most of her time giving lectures to a rapt audience of sweaty faced kids on just how wonderful her new skates were. I was always hopeful she might get bored and decide to give them to one of us someday and Id be first in line...as if!


Well...its been a few years since I thought about rollerskating and when I decided to give my youths passion another go around...what do I find but that rollerskates have long been replaced by rollerblades. Ive always been one that finds it hard to try new things so have been looking far and wide for my old tennis shoe type brands...I prefer my wheels on all 4 corners...easier for balance in my opinion. No such luck though...most people in Bahrain have never heard of rollerskates...my hopes dwindled.I finally faced the fact that it was rollerblades or nothing...so rollerblades it was.

Now the sad fact is my ankles are not quite the slender athlectic tools of my energetic youth as they used to be...5 kids and a forced sedentary lifestyle seems to have sent them packing...so actually finding some rollerblades that could go the distance (around my ankles) was a chore in itself. Those buckles dont give much and the resulting cut of blood circulation to my feet kept the rollerblading attempts to a minimum. But eventually I found a pair that has velcro (the bane of fashion concious people everywhere but a lifesaver to us hard to see our feet type) and Im all set to go.

My first and only foray thus far has been around my living room...all it did was prove to me just how hard it is to rollerblade...images of me just gliding off into the sunset were quickly doused while I clung to every immovable object and cursed my now extrememly weak ankles (must mean I actually still have some since they were singing out loud and clear at this sudden call to action)...but I know that with all things...it takes time. I will do a little everyday...and maybe, despite my gravitational pull that seems to surpass just about every other force of nature I currently take part in...I hope to take myself into the great outdoors eventually. Then again...the great outdoors hold such obstacles as traffic...road construction...and Wahabis...who, as everyone knows...dont take kindly to women doing anything that results in her breathing hard enough to cause her bosom to heave...Lord forbid!


And while I start out as the decidely voluputous character shown above...I hope to achieve the slimmed down version shown here...ah to dream a little dream...







But knowing my luck I will no doubt remain much the same as I am but with a nifty new accessory thrown in just to change things up a bit...life is good to me you know.

Wish me luck everyone....(fingers crossed wouldnt hurt either)

Here's your sign...or is it?

Picture this....I had finally had enough...enough abuse...enough misery...enough pain...just...enough...so I threw myself into a panic on a spur of the moment decision and started throwing things into my car like a madwoman....40 minutes later I was hightailing it down the road with my 4 young kids in tow...wondering if I was making the right decision...or f***ing up my life once again...there was a 50/50 chance for positive or negative answer either way.

So once I had gotten a safe distance down the road...I pulled over and took a moment to just breath and assess the situation....and then I made this plea..."Oh God...if Im making the right decision and not just doing something half cocked again...let me know...gimme a sign." I sat there a few moments longer...just trying to think of nothing really...listening to the kids play in the backseat...asking where we were going....then reached over and turned the radio on before taking off again as I like to hear music when Im driving. The song the was just coming on was called..."I Can See Clearly Now the Rain is Gone"...anyone that heard that song before knows what its all about....making the tough decisions when you feel you just cant...and finding out is was the right thing to do...and reaping the benefits of taking a stand (thats what I get from it anyhow). I sat there...frozen...unable to do anything but listen to that song...take it in...let it swirl and glide all over my body...into my ears...my mind..my heart. It emeshed itself so deeply into my psyche as an answer from God that I still to this day refer to it as my God Song...and I get goosebumps exactly the same today when I hear it as I did all those years ago.

When the song was finished...I sped off...convinced I was making the right decision and satisfied with my choice. (the fact that I did eventually screw up this bid for freedom some 4 months later in no way takes away from the overwhelming feeling that I got my "sign" I was looking for that particular day).

So heres my question dear readers...do you believe in such things...heartfelt pleas and instant answers (or maybe within a reasonable space of time so you just know its YOUR sign) or is it all just random? Did that song come on the radio by chance...or was God or some Higher Power giving me the green light on the drastic and desparate choice I had just made? Do you believe
God answers prayers in such an arbitrary fashion...a song on the radio or
maybe a book opening to the right page...which brings me to another "sign" I may have received....

Still in the same marriage...still suffering pretty much all the same things as before...just a few more years added onto the misery though (I didnt say I learned from my mistakes did I...all though eventually I do...sigh) Anyhow....I was sitting at my desk in my room with hands on head...mentally kicking my own ass about my life and the mistakes I had made etc. Wondering how I had found myself in this horrible marriage on the far side of the moon without a single person to share my misery with...I felt utterly alone. I whispered out a plea to God..."why is it Your will that I be here...now..in this place and time...alone and without support. Why do I have to abide such loneliness?" (for those that dont know...there is a difference between being alone...and being lonely...being alone is usually done by choice...feeling lonely is one of the single most awful feelings there is...especially when there doesnt seem a way to change that condition...an abusive controlling husband relishes and lives on you and your loneliness...sigh)anyhow...I digress. So there I was...pity party very much moving along and doing well...and I had a book on my desk that I was thinking about reading...so I pulled it over and opened it up to a random page. There was a quote at the top of the page...it said..."if you dont like something, change it...if you cant change it change your attitude. Dont complain," by Maya Angelou.

A sign...or coincidence? hmmmm? (I have to admit...this time I took it to heart...and made the changes I needed to make...slowly but steadily)

Now what happens when you dont get an answer...dont get a sign? now thats another post I will be coming to shortly.