We spend our whole lives living with regret of some kind or another over choices we made. Everything from haircuts we thought would make us beautiful to handing over our hearts to someone that didnt deserve it. Most of the time we can get past the bad choice with time..hair grows back...all we have to do is put up with the sympathetic remarks until it does...or wear a hat. Broken hearts are not so easily dealt with...but time eventually mends every broken heart...either time or death..either way we eventually get past it. We regret our choices when they affect just us...but what about the choices we make that affect other people as well...like our own children?
I could not adequately describe the turmoil that my family has suffered through this past 2 years...actually this past 20 years...since I made the decision to marry someone that I knew would make me miserable...but felt powerless to choose NOT to marry him...childhood trauma and all (another story)...but because of that decision...or lack there of...my children were destined to suffer. My suffering at the hands of that abuser is nothing compared to the systematic destruction of each and everyone of my children in one way or another...like ripples in a pond when a rock is thrown in...wave after wave of destruction...and not a life boat in sight to save the day.
I have personally had mountains to climb over that took great effort and much self growth...some of those mountains have proved nearly impossible...some Im not sure I will ever crest the summit...but they are my mountains...to deal with or not...the decision is always mine....but I sometimes forget that my children have their own mountains...mountains no child should ever have to deal with or ever even see in their personal horizon...Im sometimes quite selfish and feel that I must deal with my own mountains before I can even think about giving them a hand up over their own. Because of my selfish choices...choices that I mistakenly believe only affect me...ripples have been set in motion...ripples like a relentless tide that is eating away at what little family unit we have left.
My life has been plagued with guilt...guilt over choices I have made...or didnt make...that have affected my innocent children. I sometimes feel Im doing the right thing and down the line I realize I made a mistake...maybe I suffer but they suffer more. Sometimes I feel even if it causes pain now...eventually it will work out and the pain will be something long forgotten...but it usually turns out that the pain is pretty much here to stay...no matter what choice I make...and my children suffer.
So many tears...so many anguished cries of "why me"..."why us" that I feel as if my heart will just squeeze into nothing from the pain...a constant ache of such magnitude that life without pain has become something to dream about...yearn for...aspire to. If only.....life were so easy.
I have reached a point in my life where Im frozen with indecision. I thought the tough decisions had been made but they are nothing to the fresh ones that have come raging on like flood waters...I cant even catch my breath from making one heart wrenching choice when Im dragged under by another wave of indecision.
I feel like to move forward will lead me to an all consuming fire...to step back would send me over a cliff...to just stand still will send something plummeting from the skies straight for me...
If only I could stop thinking...stop moving....just stop...make the world stop spinning...I need to catch my breath...collect my thoughts...figure out the right thing to do....I need to just....breath.