Tuesday, November 18, 2008

I need to just...breath

We spend our whole lives living with regret of some kind or another over choices we made. Everything from haircuts we thought would make us beautiful to handing over our hearts to someone that didnt deserve it. Most of the time we can get past the bad choice with time..hair grows back...all we have to do is put up with the sympathetic remarks until it does...or wear a hat. Broken hearts are not so easily dealt with...but time eventually mends every broken heart...either time or death..either way we eventually get past it. We regret our choices when they affect just us...but what about the choices we make that affect other people as well...like our own children?

I could not adequately describe the turmoil that my family has suffered through this past 2 years...actually this past 20 years...since I made the decision to marry someone that I knew would make me miserable...but felt powerless to choose NOT to marry him...childhood trauma and all (another story)...but because of that decision...or lack there of...my children were destined to suffer. My suffering at the hands of that abuser is nothing compared to the systematic destruction of each and everyone of my children in one way or another...like ripples in a pond when a rock is thrown in...wave after wave of destruction...and not a life boat in sight to save the day.

I have personally had mountains to climb over that took great effort and much self growth...some of those mountains have proved nearly impossible...some Im not sure I will ever crest the summit...but they are my mountains...to deal with or not...the decision is always mine....but I sometimes forget that my children have their own mountains...mountains no child should ever have to deal with or ever even see in their personal horizon...Im sometimes quite selfish and feel that I must deal with my own mountains before I can even think about giving them a hand up over their own. Because of my selfish choices...choices that I mistakenly believe only affect me...ripples have been set in motion...ripples like a relentless tide that is eating away at what little family unit we have left.

My life has been plagued with guilt...guilt over choices I have made...or didnt make...that have affected my innocent children. I sometimes feel Im doing the right thing and down the line I realize I made a mistake...maybe I suffer but they suffer more. Sometimes I feel even if it causes pain now...eventually it will work out and the pain will be something long forgotten...but it usually turns out that the pain is pretty much here to stay...no matter what choice I make...and my children suffer.

So many tears...so many anguished cries of "why me"..."why us" that I feel as if my heart will just squeeze into nothing from the pain...a constant ache of such magnitude that life without pain has become something to dream about...yearn for...aspire to. If only.....life were so easy.

I have reached a point in my life where Im frozen with indecision. I thought the tough decisions had been made but they are nothing to the fresh ones that have come raging on like flood waters...I cant even catch my breath from making one heart wrenching choice when Im dragged under by another wave of indecision.

I feel like to move forward will lead me to an all consuming fire...to step back would send me over a cliff...to just stand still will send something plummeting from the skies straight for me...

If only I could stop thinking...stop moving....just stop...make the world stop spinning...I need to catch my breath...collect my thoughts...figure out the right thing to do....I need to just....breath.


The Queen said...

I'm sure that you are doing the right things. You need to not worry so much. I'm sure they are not as life and death as you think. Maybe if you are more specific you could get a little guidance from someone here.

Aren't Happy Birthday wishes in order today? Hope you have a good one! Yes, I know, I owe you an e-mail.

Sabra said...

I am hopeful that at some point in the very, very near future, Coolred, you are able to breathe, and that you can put an end to whatever internal conflicts/sufferings that are, for now, your own personal demons.

I think you are incredibly brave - you have made a decision to go forward - you have just moved after living in an whole 'nother world for 20 years - and you have put your "heart" out there and shared with the rest of us.

Safiyyah said...

From what I have read on your blog, you have been experiencing a lot of change. So, I think that your feelings are normal :)

I have another rendition of your Serenity Prayer. It helped me when I was recovering from codependency and early life trauma:

God grant me the serenity
to accept the people
I cannot change,
The courage to change the
person I can,
and the wisdom to know
that I am that person!

Be easy on yourself dear.

coolred38 said...

Thank you ladies for the comments.

Queen...while I realize they are not necessarily life and death...there are some things that affect us in ways that feel as if they are...at the moment they are happening. Hindsight tells us we were worrying and panicing for no real reason...but tell that to the heart and mind that suffers regardless of what we know to be true.

Sabra...not sure if its bravery or just fear of inaction. Sometimes you just have to make a choice...then wait and see what happens.

S.E....thanks for that new approach to the serenity prayer...will definitely keep it in mind.

Suroor said...

Happy Birthday!

Suroor said...

I don't know if I have ever told you this but you are very brave even though you may not believe it yourself. Inshallah all will be well from now on. I can feel it.

Sending warm wishes your way.

nyxxie said...

I've just stumbled upon your blog and I love it. It's very real. Life is not what we make of it, it just can't be. Would anyone make of their life a misery?

Susie of Arabia said...

I'm sorry you feel so much guilt, but you shouldn't. Yes, you made decisions that, in hindsight, you now feel were big mistakes. But it was never your intention for those decisions to cause your children any harm. You all need to move on from here and leave the past where it belongs. That man who caused you all that misery is out of your lives now, and for that, you should all be very happy. All of you have a chance to be happy now, and it's the decisions you make from this point on that will count now. Go to counseling if you need to. Get it all out ... and then go forward.
We all make mistakes in life, CoolRed - every single one of us. Don't feel guilty for things that were beyond your control. Take a deep breath, and Let it go.

Sprinkle said...

I don't know you and have only recently started reading your blog so I hope this doesn't offend you - congratulations for making the break. It is much harder than letting things continue. I admire your courage in taking that step. I have known so many women over the years in this part of the world who never do. Regret and guilt? Yes, but you're doing something about it!