Every now and then I get an odd feeling come over me...starts somewhere around my toes and travels to various parts of my body and usually ends up somewhere in a dark region of my brain...a place full of cobwebs and lost dreams...it gets swept out now and then...approximately every 4 years....like clockwork. Coincidentally...so do the Olympics.
Im not sure if this happens to everyone who watches the Olympics on tv...but this is my story.
Im one of those people that are "gonna" do something...soon as the time is right. Like Im "gonna" start jogging(ok maybe walking)...soon as the weather improves(I live in Bahrain so we get varying degrees of Hot mixed with Humid...never a good time to walk)...or Im "gonna" start working out at the gym...soon as I run out of endless excuses not to...sigh....and my all time favorite...Im 'gonna" work out to that new exercise video I just bought...soon as I get around to unwrapping it(blow off the dust first)...at any rate...I spend more time thinking about exercising and engaging in some sort of sport...then actually doing it.(if only thinking burned enough calories to earn a 6 pack...Im there baby!...but theres something about watching the Olympics that just makes you want to jump up and burn a calorie or two.
So instead every 4 years my flabby backside and I sit down to enjoy a little armchair sport viewing and accompaning commentary while viewing undoubtably the most capable athletes on the planet. Now I do not profess to know a whole lot about the varying sports that are displayed from morning til night on my big screen tv...but I sure know enough to engage in my own Olympic sport I like to call...."What the Hells Wrong With You....!"....I like to believe Ive got the Gold cornered on this one.
Lets start with diving...I love to watch diving. Little skimpy bodies in barely there swimsuits on athletes that barely register 100 pounds soaking wet(the water that drips off my body when Im wet probably weighs more than any of them)...when they line up on the board...everyone goes quiet...the commentator is practically whispering out the statistics of the diver and the difficulty of his dive...the look of intense concentration before that little dip on the board and away he goes...flips..twists...toe touches and cannonballs (oops that would be me) are done with fluid agility and barely a splash of water when the diver connects....and the crowd goes crazy....unless of course the diver is an inept idiot that doesnt know how to do a damn thing and them Im up with fist raised shouting at the screen..."whats wrong with you..."...coming out of your tuck so late you practically belly flopped like a beached whale...sheesh ...who spent valuable time and money training you...go home before you shame the whole diving team. (incidently...high marks do not change my opinion that even I could dive better than that King of Splashbacks....idiot)
Then there are the itty bitty gymnastics energizer bunny teams. I can never quite tell how old they are...they all look to be around 10...but the looks in their eyes are very old indeed...very weary...very jaded(except when they win...thats something else all together). Anyhow...these pintsize athletes do things with their bodies that would make Arnold Swarziniggi cry. Leaping in the air at least 10 feet or so(Im sure I could leap at least 11...they arent even trying)...doings so many crazy speed demon like flips forward and back that there is real a danger the earth could be forced to start spinning counterclockwise...(watching someone do backflips makes me just want to jump up and do a backflip...looks easy enough...hold on a sec...let me check it out....if I dont come back to this post...somebody please call 999)
(limping back to the computer....ouch)....note to self...backflips are about as easy to do as frontflips...which I cant do either...so need to work on that.
Last but not least(for me) are the swimmers...swimmers are different than divers in that they spend a whole lot more time in the water...and generally their bodies are more muscular and filled out...but still in barely there swimsuits...Im assuming its only a matter of time until someone suggests swimming naked will shave a few milliseconds off the world record...dont believe me..just wait. Maybe skinny dipping will eventually become a spectator sport with large amounts of prize money up for grabs...(oh come to think of it...it already is back in my hometown...thanks to an inborn resistance to authority mixed with liberal amounts of alcohol). Anyhow....there I am..practically bent over on my own starting block waiting for the whistle...3....2...1....and they are OFF!!!!!....swimmmmmmmmmm you bastards...stroke stroke....kick those damn legs...what the hells wrong with you....you look like your swimming backwards....kick dammit....come on come ooooonnnnnn....who taught you to swim....your granma? Come on .....I could do better than that(lucky for you guys I break out in chlorine rich pools so you will just have to take my word for it....I could take every damn one of you....with my hands tied behind my back...you big wussies....sheesh). I love watching Olympic swimming....makes me want to get wet...(well crashing into the coffeetable attempting my backflip did result in a face full of juice..but not what I was thinking). I think if I start training right now I could be ready in 4 years to make a run for the Gold...yeah I could do it...go to the pool every day....spend a few hours...do some laps....yeah..I could do that...well...maybe tomorrow...I got to work on my backflips today....ouch.
Good thing these darn Olympics only come around every 4 years...dont think I could take this hardcore workout more often than that....ouch...heaven forbid I should do something....like develop a muscle...oh damn....forgot about the winter olympics....thats something else altogether....swish!