Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Just wanted you to know Mom...

Ive been having a war of sorts with my mother lately. Even across the span of an ocean she has the uncanny ability to make me want to pull some hair out... merely by sending me a text message of all things. What is it about Mothers that make us wish we didnt have one from time to time...I mean I love my mother more than anything...would never want anything to happen to her even during my more darker moments when she is being particularly difficult...but I have to admit she can make the saint in me definitely turn to a sinner at the worst of times when she decides she is most definitely right...and by comparison I must be wrong...the sooner I accept that fact the sooner the emotional headlock she has me in will be loosened. All I can say is I must be a glutton for punishment and crave a daily dose of Mothers headlock...cause I certainly havent learned by now that just shutting up and agreeing with her would speed things up considerably.

At any rate....I was thinking about her and what she told me the other day...that mothers know alot more about their kids then the kids would like to believe. In other words...our secrets are not always as secret as we would like to believe. Now in some respects I would have to agree with her statement as in my youth she knew things about me that could only be known if she was a mind reader(something I suspect she revels in and is a tad too smug about). There were certain times in my life where I tried in vain to not think of anything at all just to thwart her in her attempts to probe and discover my most precious inner thoughts. I didnt have that many secrets growing up...I was a fairly boring child...but the few I had I wanted to keep.

So I was sitting here thinking of some of the things my mother most definitely does not know about me even though she believes she knows everything there is to know. There is always the chance she would see this list and then my secrets would be blown...be that as it may...I'll go ahead with it anyhow....nothing ventured nothing gained.

10 things my mother doesnt know about me

1. Mom...I know you think Billy is the one that set the hayfield on fire because he was a trouble making kid and did just about everything else....but it was me. Not only did I set it on fire...but I nearly got burned up in it. To my shame I stayed quiet while he got the beating of his life...but then again...he tortured me later over it so I feel I paid for it. Im sorry.

2. Mom...I contrived to stay after school that one day that I "missed" the bus because I wanted to spend time with Mr Dayton...the teacher I had a crush on. Dont worry...it wasnt like that...he was the father I wish I had...and I just wanted to be around him and wish that he was my dad. He was a good mentor...and never ever did anything inappropriate...all though I suspect you think he did. I know that Dad beat you over it...thinking I was out with a boy or something and blamed you for being a terrible mother...even knowing you were beat over it didnt take away the good memories I got and still have over that time I spent with him. Im sorry.

3. Mom...I nearly shot Dad with a shotgun one day while we were out hunting. I figured everyone would assume it was an accident.. I was only 14...who would blame me. My finger was on the trigger and Im sure I would have pulled it if my sister hadnt gotten in the way(unknowingly)...the reason is explained in number 10. I have always regretted that I didnt do it...even now...25 years later. Given another chance Im believe I would have. Im not sorry.

4. Mom...when I was 6 years old and playing in the park with my brother...an older man touched me in a sexual manner. I didnt tell you because I thought I would get a spanking...and that you wouldnt let me play in the park again. I wish I had told you because he went on to molest other kids...I could have stopped him. Im sorry.

5. Mom...I stole some things when I was young. Im not proud of it. You always praised me to other people as being the "good girl" when in fact...I wasnt always that good. Im sorry.

6. Mom...I knew you were having an affair with Bill...I pretended I didnt know because I loved you and didnt want to ruin this small piece of joy in your life. I dont think any less of you...your choices are yours...not mine. Im not sorry.

7. Mom...I am angry at you so much for your inability to leave my father and give us a life without abuse and chaos. I felt you were weak and uncaring of our daily tortured existence and were just selfish in your own misery. I never tell you that because I know you did the best you could....and you were a victim too. Im sorry.

8. Mom...I didnt feel sorry or remorse when Gramma died...even though she was your mother. You know that she never treated me well and never had a kind word or thought for me...even as a small child. I do not recall her ever saying my name even once in my whole life. She was never my Grandmother...I was sad for you that you lost your mother...but from my side...I felt nothing. Im sorry.

9. Mom...I blame alot of the emotional problems in my life on how I was raised...I made the horrible choices I did because I emulated the one person in the world that meant more to me than anything...your mistakes eventualy were my mistakes. I sometimes feel a very real anger and resentment towards you that you taught me how to be a victim all my life. I had to teach myself how to stop thinking and acting like a victim...and now I have to teach that to my daughters. I hope Im not too late...for myself or for them.

10. Mom...you have asked me a million times in my life whether my father was more than just physically abusive to me...Ive always swore to you that he wasnt. I knew you all ready had the heavy burden of bringing him into our lives and forcing his evil onto us. I couldnt add to your burden by revealing this last horrible thing....I have reached a point in my life though that burdens of the past are just too draining to carry...I need to put this burden down before it brings me down by its weight. I swear Mom...if you ask me just one more time...I will tell you the truth this time...are you ready for it?

Anyhow....those are 10 things you dont know about me...not sure if I want you to know them...but then again...the burdens we carry are burdens we choose to carry...only we can decide to put them down. I realize that by putting down these burdens I might be adding to yours...but considering what you have been through and survived Im sure you can handle it. And if you feel you cant...Im here for you...always.


Nzingha said...

My jaw dropped reading this post. I'm not sure what to say, but I am so sorry that your life has been filled with so much sorrow and hurt. It is great that your standing up and no longer being a victim, but to have to endure so much no one should have to.


Anonymous said...

What nzingha said. I wanted to comment when I first read this post but really had no idea what to say.
You seems like an incredibly strong woman and your children are blessed to have you.

coolred38 said...

Thanks for the kind words...funny enough I didnt feel strong while living through those moments...I just felt i needed to take one more step...one more breath...one more something to get through the moment and survive...or whatever was required of me....and patience...never can have enough of that.

Marahm said...

I was partiularly touched by point number 3, and it's segue to point number 10. No words can mitigate what you've suffered, not even your own.

L_Oman said...

You are so brave to write this. And like N, I'm so darn sorry you had to go through even a second of any of that stuff.

ange Embuldeniya said...

Kudos to you Coolred! Keep going as you're encouraging more folks out there who have been victimized to face up to their past ;-) An awesome initiative and thanks for doing so!


Anonymous said...

i know you same as the storm, strong and brave, dont stop and may God bless u , and beleive me u gonna find one day ur peace finally stormy

Aafke said...

Coolred, I was depply shocked reading through this..
You are a very strong and amazing woman! And very brave to share this.
You are in time to teach your daughters, and for yourself: you've allready passed the moment it could be too late I think.

Can we still kill your ''father''? Or is it too late?

coolred38 said...

Thank you Aafke...but dear father died some years back...from diabetes of all things...he was too damn stubborn to listen to doctors telling him what he needed to do to take care of himself...he ignored them all...and eventually went into a diabetic coma. Got off easy far as Im concerned.

UmmSumayah said...

I got to your blog thru carol's and I'm sure glad I did.
Firstly, I would like to say how much I admire you for the trials that you have endured thru your life. Also, you are a beautiful writer. You write with eloquence and honesty, and I love that about your posts. You've gained anoter fan. Keep up the good work.

Susie of Arabia said...

Wow! Another great and impactful post. Sometimes when blogging, I feel like I'm being too open, but I will always remember this post when I feel that way. You've got balls!!! er, I mean, guts!!! What a very brave thing to do.
It is very healing to bare your soul as you have done... you must be covered in band-aids from head to toe!
Wishing you peace and happiness from this point on... HUGS!

coolred38 said...

Thanks you Susie...you know Im a great believer in using writing as a cathartic process....Ive always liked writing out things that are bothering me etc. I was a long time journeler(?) until my ex started reading them and using my personal thoughts against me. Sort of got off it for a few years...this blog is my step back into writing for release...lol.

achelois said...

Coolred, first of all I'm sorry that I traced you. You didn't leave a URL on my blog but your comments have always reminded me of how I look at things; of how I think. We share opinions and that intrigued me.

Regarding this post: I admire you greatly. That is all I'll say. May Allah bless you and your children, ameen.