The Big Golden Dog that spoke to Coolred in her dreams.

Anyone that has known me throughout my life is aware that I have a thing with dreams. My dreams often come true...in one way or another. This has happened my whole life and I have just come to expect certain dreams will "speak" to me in some way. Now I may have a dozen dreams a week...several dozen a month etc. with nothing extraordinary happening..but then one dream will come along that stands out. It's rather hard to explain why this dream is different except to say that while I'm having the dream, I'm fully aware that THIS dream has something to tell me...and it's usually more vivid and more "real" than other dreams. I wake up and immediately know that something will happen eventually to make this dream "come true".

Another clue that tells me a certain dream is more special than other ones is that I will have it more than once. Up until recently, twice or possibly three times was the max for having one particular dream (with variations but all on the same theme) until that dream played out is some fashion in real life. After that, I never dream that particular dream again.

Until several months ago that was the pattern for my Special Dreams. Now and then a certain dream would come to me...possibly twice or three times...and then become reality in some fashion. Not all the dreams were good, so to speak, so I can tell you that I have been damn scared by some of them...but generally speaking they have been pretty interesting the way they played out.

As I said, up until a few months ago...then something happened that changed the whole Special Dream scenario...I dreamt of a Big Golden Dog. When I say big...I mean larger than the size that this particular dog (it appeared to be a Golden Retriever type dog) generally grows. His head reached my chest and was the most beautiful dog I have ever had the pleasure to look at.

I knew from the moment this dream started that Big Golden Dog was special. I needed to pay attention to this dream. However, in the first dream he did nothing more than follow me around the dream as the dream itself played out. I wasn't surprised when about a month later he showed up in my dreams again. This time he walked by my side as I wandered through my dream. Again, nothing happened to explain his presence but I felt incredibly calm just having him in the there with me. I remember waking up and just laying there almost expecting that he followed me out of the dream...that's how real he seemed to me.

Over the course of several months Big Golden Dog made an appearance in my dreams 4 times (the first time a particular dream happened that often)...but something interesting started happening...he started looking directly at me and doing things with his muzzle (mouth) that made me feel as if he was trying to speak to me.  It got to the point where I absolutely hated waking up because I felt like just a few more seconds and I would understand what he was trying to tell me...and he was really struggling by the 4th dream. I knew, without a doubt, that if he showed up in my dreams again...he would speak to me...and I also knew he had something important to tell me. 4 dreams obviously meant something...but what?

You know where this is headed, right? Big Golden Dog did show up for a 5th time...and yes...he spoke to me...but wait...first let me give some back ground that will explain what he had to tell me and why it was so damn important that I get the message (as if I needed telling but who am I to dictate my dreams...or who shows up with a message in them).

If you read my previous post (I hope), you will know that I have been struggling with a lot of personal issues for a long time. The past few years have been especially hard after the divorce (and the reasons for it) and just dealing with the anger that permeated me so deep I think my bones were soaked in fury. I sank quite low, to the point where friends were abandoning me and I was in danger of losing some very important relationships that meant the world to me. I was on a very destructive course that had me free falling into The Black.

It's about this time (at my lowest and darkest point) that Big Golden Dog first showed up. I didn't equate the two until much later...as you will see.

At around the beginning of this year I had a nasty wake up call. I realized that if I continued on this course of self destruction I was going to lose the one relationship that mattered more than any other (besides my children). I needed to figure out a way to rid myself of this over powering anger in order to save myself...and the relationship. By this time Big Golden Dog had shown up 3 times.

I started thinking (see previous post) about all my issues and what was at the root of all the anger. My ex obviously played a very big role in this. The life I had with him has scarred me in ways that I will never be rid of...but I was holding onto the anger long after the divorce was a done deal...so essentially I was keeping the man in my life as if we were still married. I needed to drop that mentality if I planned on getting rid of that anger. I spent two days off from work, around this point, doing nothing but laying in my bed and thinking...and just letting go of things that had bothered me to the point of causing issues for me...and for those closest to me. It was a weekend of mental purging and by the end of it I was completely exhausted. I barely had the energy to return to work...but before I did Big Golden Dog returned for a 4th time. This is when he really tried to talk to me but couldn't quite make it.

By this time I had told plenty of people about my dreams and the latest star appearance. Everyone had opinions about what a dog in a dream meant but I was no nearer to knowing at this point what his purpose was...but I knew he would come again and I was patient.

By March I had sorted through a lot of my mental anguish and had let so much crap go that I started feeling like a new person. It was mid March that I traveled to Bahrain to attend my daughter's birth of my first grandchild (another story there) and for the first time ever...I enjoyed my time spent in Bahrain (with a few bumps). So much of the anger and suffering that I equated with that country was simply gone. It was almost like visiting it for the first time...with no preconceived opinions about it. When it came time to leave and return to this life...I actually didn't want to go. Yes, I know. Quite surprising that Coolred was actually reluctant to leave the country where here demons came to life...but reluctant I was. I could almost feel my heels digging in even as I looked forward to seeing the children I had left behind for a month.

It was then that I truly realized I had successfully done what I never thought I would ever be able to do. I separated the fact of my abusive 20 year marriage to a worthless human being...from the country it took place in. Bahrain wasn't evil just because evilness occurred there. If that were true then America would be evil and unacceptable to me as well since my own father was every bit as abusive as my ex. I realized that I had been equating the place with my ex and my marriage...and for that I had been making those closest to me suffer with my anger and personal issues. I also realized that because some of my children still live there (and my new grandchild) that I would obviously be making more trips back there and so getting rid of the anger and bullshit that crowded my mind was paramount if I was going to be the Awesome Gramma that my own mother never was (another story...I have plenty of them...just wait).

I returned home with renewed determination to continue the healing process. I had plenty of incentive...a new me...a new life awaited...and happiness.

And so...for the 5th time Big Golden Dog showed up in my dreams (last week)...and he spoke to me just as I knew he would.

And this is what he said.

You have lived a life full of pain. It has made you who you are today, for better or worse. You cannot deny your past nor can you change it...all you can change is how you let it influence your future. Letting go was essential for healing to begin. Those who left you while you struggled were meant to leave...and those who have stayed were meant to stay. Do not spend precious moments grieving or feeling anger for those that are no longer in your life as their paths sent them in a different direction. Those that love you, need you, and want you in their lives have made it a point to remain in your life. You have learned that life is short. Time is precious. Prolonged anger is a wasted emotion and love is often the victim. You have traveled a rough road but it has led you to where you are today. Be proud for what you have accomplished. There is still work to be done but you are well on your way. Happiness is always a choice.

I woke up from this dream feeling absolutely amazing. Rested and at peace with the choices and actions I have made recently. I have no doubt that what I want for what remains of my life is the right choice or me...but it doesn't hurt to get a second opinion that supports that choice. Ha ha.

Big Golden Dog (who remained nameless throughout the dreams but strongly reminded my of my dog King) was a sort of spiritual adviser I'm thinking. Something I've never experienced but certainly was well worth the wait. I have no idea if I will see him again but I doubt it. He had a message and he delivered it.

Just Let It Go

For those that use to read me regularly you may have noticed that I haven't written anything significant for quite some time. Writing is my Thing. It's what I do and I have always enjoyed it since I realized I do it rather well. However, this past year hasn't been My Year, so to speak. I've been in an up and down roller coaster ride that has had me either hanging on for dear life...or raising my hands in the air and enjoying the thrill. All this has resulted in one very troubling aspect in my life...I lost the desire to write.

Period.

It just left. No idea why...or really when but I realized at some point that I just had nothing to say anymore. Or maybe I felt my words had lost their ability to really convey what I was feeling or what I wanted to express. I have no idea but the end result was silence in the one area of my life I had always depended on to get my demons out...or my humor (I choose to call it that) or whatever was on my mind. Without being able to write...it has all been locked up inside me...and damned if I haven't suffered because of it.

I went down the rabbit hole more or less and apparently enjoyed it so much I decided to stay there for a spell. I have been down that hole before (my past made it a place I tend to visit from time to time) but I have always used my writing to pull me back out again. This time I did not have even that ability to rescue myself...so there I stayed.

Around the first part of this year I had a revelation of sorts. I was angry. Very angry. Angry at the people in my life (past and present) that have done things to me that turned me into a negative, pissed off person. Every day I was fuming about one thing or another. My temper, which use to be so hard to trigger, was now on a veritable trip wire. Anything could set me off...and I was a raging ball of fire. I was a seething mass of negative energy that ended up corrupting everything good in my life...because I was too angry to pay attention to the good things in my life.

I was letting my past ruin my present...and destroy whatever good my future held for me. I was allowing all that bullshit that was my past life...be the sum total of my present life. I was my past..and my past was me. When I realized that I was allowing those people, that are long gone from my life, to still be a part of it (taking up full time rent free space in my head) and therefore impacting and corrupting it...I knew I either accepted the rabbit hole as my forever dwelling...or fight my way out of it.

Everyone who reads (or did) about my life know that I have 5 kids. I had a blast with my kids while they were growing up. We were rarely apart for any reason and they were a close knit group of siblings. My kids are mostly all grown now. I have my youngest, 15 years old, at home still but the rest are off living their lives. The silence that is my house now weighs on me terribly. Gone are the sounds of the music they all played, the fighting or laughing...the messes they each generate in their way. This silence has fueled my anger in ways...because I had no distractions from that anger and could spend copious amounts of time nurturing it and feeding the flames. My children are the soul reason I survived my marriage. Having them in my life, knowing I needed to be there for them..meant I couldn't give up or give in. Even if I felt my life wasn't worthwhile or important, theirs was...and I had to make sure they knew it. Now they are gone (generally speaking) and Ive been alone with my thoughts, my inner demons, my anger issues...and that has meant I had little respite from the inner destruction that was going on.

As I said, I realized one day that I might as well still be married if I was going to wake up every day and spend my time, my precious time, living as if my ex was still a real and meaningful presence in my life. If my memories of the past were going to keep me company as I went about my daily routine, ruining whatever happiness I might gain from even the smallest of joys then why bother living. If the experiences I had while living in Bahrain for the first 20 years...were going to color and corrupt whatever came after that then what was the point of the divorce..of gaining my freedom...if I was still going to live as if I were a prisoner?

I realized that the only person that could save me from my anger and issues with my past...was ME. Once I realized this I set about on a course of emotional healing. I spend far too much of my time alone...but one thing that being alone affords me is time to think....and think... and think some more. At times I would lay in my bed, during my time off from work, and just think. I would do nothing else but think about my past, my anger issues and where they came from...and what I could do to change what I was becoming (or had become) into someone better. I would literally lay there for two days solid and just stare at the ceiling...going through every damn issue that had turned me into a person that others didn't want to be around (did I mention I have lost several "friends" this past year as well)...I thought it was them...but realized it must be me since it kept happening. I find it incredibly hard to make friends, went most of my whole life without really having any, so losing the ones I did have was like a confirmation to my already low self esteem that I'm not even worthy to remain friends with. If others can't stand me..what did that say about me?

I worked my way through issues that were like open wounds on my soul. I poked and prodded them and made them bleed out all that pent up corrosive blood until only fresh blood remained. As I dealt with each issue I would ask myself...why is this still making me so angry...and is it worth it still? Of course, most of the time (damn near every time) the answer was no. Anger and self loathing, low self esteem and feelings of unworthiness were not worth it. My past was what it was...I couldn't change that...but I could change today, tomorrow and whatever came after that. As I worked my way through each and every issue...the end result would be to Just Let It Go.

Like a balloon that yearned to be free and sail off into parts unknown...I released, one after the other, issue after issue that was weighing me down, corrupting my relationships, my goals, my life. As each balloon sailed away I felt myself become lighter inside. I started feeling something I hadn't felt in so long I wasn't even sure I was calling it by the right name.

I started feeling happy. (don't be as shocked as I was please)

Happiness is not a feeling I have really felt too often in my life...and when I say happy I mean more than just a fleeting moment of happiness that is more like a memory than a state of mind. It felt unfamiliar and alien at the beginning...almost like an impostor had set up residence after I kicked out the abusive squatters. I almost didn't know how to handle this new emotional state. I felt like a beginner at happiness..a noob that needed to feel my way around and learn the rules and tricks before really putting my all into the game.

Apparently the "new" me was attracting some attention. I have had people at work comment more than once that I always seemed to walk around with a scowl on my face (I'm sure I was as I always had some inner demon playing with my mind)..or that I looked like I wanted to punch someone. Now they were amazed to notice that I was smiling, whistling...even singing...while going about my work. I had a few people ask me if I was in love..had I found someone that had brought about this change. Well, first off, yes...I am in love, have been for years now, but that relationship was one of the ones I was busy destroying due to my anger issues and one I was desperately trying to save at that point....but the reasons for the smiling, whistling and singing was due to another person all together.

Me. I was happy....or working hard so that I knew it was coming. I could feel it...see it...taste it. As I worked my way though each issue...I finished with it..and then Just Let It Go. I could not possibly explain with adequate words the effect this had had on me emotionally. Yes of course I still get angry (more than I like still...a work in progress) and I know that to never get angry is just not possible...but when I trip up and fall into a full blown anger melt down, I mentally try as hard as I can to reign myself in and put a halt before it gets out of control. (again, not always successful but I'm far better at it then I used to be). I ask myself, will this matter in 5 minutes, ten...tomorrow...and of course it most likely won't. And when I realize this...I can almost  feel myself relax and feel the anger start to recede and dissipate. It has stopped my anger in its tracks most of the time...most, work in progress as I said.

I have reached a stage now where so many things that use to set me off (thoughts of my past, of Bahrain, of certain people) don't really affect me at all anymore. I can think about them without feeling that tightness in my chest that would be an indicator that rage was building. I can talk about them without gnashing my teeth or getting angry at the person I'm talking to because the person I'm really angry at isn't there. Those balloons have sailed...and I have never heard of a balloon that was set free...come back to its owner.

Now, if there was one set back to all this emotional healing...it's convincing others that it's actually taking place. People who know me, love me, are so used to Angry Red...that they are suspicious of New Red. For some reason they would rather believe that you can't change who you have always been even though those same people have been encouraging me for years to do exactly that. I have actually gotten into arguments (go figure) while trying to convince these same people that the changes are real, are reaping benefits and are permanent. I much prefer New Red to Angry Red...why would I go back to that...and why do those I love most keep insisting I do? I have no idea.

Anyhow, I have a lot more to say. That makes me happy just writing that as it means I have more writing to do...and I realize this post is not up to my usual standards but I felt the need to write and I haven't felt that in such a long time...I'm just putting it out there before the mood disappears. So you guys (if there are any readers left) get a rough copy and I'm sorry for that but it is what it is. 

A few topics I will write about are my two recent trips to Bahrain (yes...imagine that), my new status as Grandma (my granddaughter is amazing) and what the future might hold for me. I became friends again with my ex from high school and other topics that might be of interest.  Stay tuned...if you are interested. I know I am.

Oh mind of mine...

Being alone with my thoughts
What black chaos
What red pain

Filling my head with your sneaky ways
Devious pain filled images
Do you even care...oh mind of mine

Three little words on a screen
Causing doubt...hurt...regrets
Squeezing my heart

Wonder of wonders
It still functions...beats
Tho each one leaves me breathless

Choking my throat
Filling my eyes so I can't see
Squeezing...always squeezing

Oh mind of mine
You are not really my friend
Will you leave me too?

Do you suck at your religion? Worth a chuckle, people.

http://theoatmeal.com/comics/religion

Ramadan Revisted: blast from the past

I wrote this several years ago when I was still a believer...but on the way out...so it seems looking back.

Ramadan Ramadan
Burning bright
In our breasts you do ignite
Passions flaring throughout the night
We leave our beds in the first grey light
To please You God with all our might
Striving for the path thats pure and right
To be granted heaven...the sweetest bite

From trembling lips vows anew
That fall from lips like morning dew
Pleading weakness for sins that grew
That far outweigh the good we do
Charity given by just a few
So hard to stretch a hand out too
Enough! we believe to pay our dues
With bended knee...sujuud and ruku

Our foreheads pressed..a mark that shows
We proudly strut like birds that crow
Our hijabs pulled tight...our thobes just so
AstagfirAllahs from our lips do flow
Kneading our misbahs like the bakers dough
Puffed up pride...monumental egos
As if Muslims are the only ones that know
Of what God really means...of what God only knows

Ramadan...a gift..a month He did instate
A chance to wipe clean the slate
Of sins that called and sealed our fates
To live in a world filled with hate
Your wrong Im right...with no debate
Raised fists...raised prides...two deadly mates
That oft forget God is One...God is Great
All men from one He did create

So unbending...our knees...our heads...our pride
Shown plainly to You are the sins we hide
Lifes not fair...an excuse we cried
So said those from the past as they died
With the weight of burdens...not an easy ride
As if old age is assured...time set aside
For a miss spent youth..a Path denied
Two angels watchful by our sides

This month so fake...we are so devout
A month we just cant live without
To deny ourselves whats ours by right
Nothing in the day...but plenty at night
A blessed month...a cooling breeze
That will only temporarily freeze
The hypocrisy that feeds our souls
Hypocrisy that only grows
Until God is lost among the throes
Of sanctimonious beards..of Sharia robes
The Path is blurred with fables and stories
Muslim pride lives on in age old glories
Believing we are blessed by the Prophets light
But ignoring the Prophet who gave insight
To seeking Gods Mercy...Forgiveness and Love
3 blessings in abundance sent down from above
With hot claims from the righteous but fingers in ears
We demand our rights...but fail to hear
How God in His Mercy will pardon but a few
Oh Muslims...how can you be so sure its YOU?

Got some rest...now for the back story.

This past 5 months have been an absolute nightmare, college wise. Of all the semesters I have endured (5) this one, hands down, meant to do me in. It has gone wrong from the start and keeps going wrong in so many ways my head is still spinning from the damage I have done to myself through sheer exhaustion and single mindedness. Read this and tell me I am my own worst enemy...seriously.


When I signed up for my last set of classes last semester, my advisor gave me a list of classes I needed to complete my degree, the have to takes (generals) and the ones pertaining to my field (psych classes). Chemistry was on that list and the very last class I signed up for. I had absolutely no experience with chemistry in my life so all I knew is that it had lots of formulas...like Algebra and I got through that...so, no big deal? Boy was I wrong.


Along with chem I had statistics (again, no experience with that) and my advisor cautioned that taking both of those classes together might be difficult. She suggested I space them out but I wanted to get this over with...I did NOT want to face another semester. To add to the difficulty meter, stats was an online course. I absolutely hate online courses. I need to see a teacher, see the board, see my course information in action so to speak. Online courses are notorious for slipping by while you are busy doing other things...and end up spending copious amounts of time catching up before a due date arrives (at least that's my technique if you will). I also had a drugs and behavior class online...OMFG!! was it hectic to remember to log onto those classes and see what assignments there were and due dates etc. I ended up missing the very first damn assignment for that exact reason. Forgot to log in and get started by the due date....but I had an excuse...CHEMISTRY!!!


All my other classes combined did not give me half the amount of grief that chemistry was determined to mete out. From day one I felt like I was learning chemistry in a foreign language...like Swahili or something. While I was in class 5 feet from the board and she explained it...it all seemed to make sense. Soon as I got home and opened the book to do the homework, I was completely lost. I had never been so completely frustrated and feeling like a failure (academically) in my life. Chemistry just would not get IN MY HEAD and stay there. Because I was having such a freaking hard time with chem...spending all my free time on it and ignoring my other classes (5 all together)...my grades were suffering for the first time EVER in my academic life. Again...failure failure failure!! I was ready to pull some serious hair out...mine and anyone else that claimed chemistry was easy. How many times I resisted throwing my 10 pound chem book at that person should be noted. A reward or something at least.


I was barely staying above a C- minus and that was fighting tooth and nail for every point. I had mostly C's or B's in the other classes as well. Unheard of for me. I wanted to quit so many times that I very nearly did at one point. I threw the chem book in the garbage and stormed up to the college to do just that...but in the time it took me to get up there I calmed down and thought it through. I had come so far and was nearly at the finish line...was I about to let a little thing like chem throw me off my path? I continued on....ugh!


The final straw came when she handed us a chapter exam. 11 pages full of formulas and problems that took forever to work through. Even the students that KNEW chem told me later it was a damn hard exam...for a freaking chapter test. They barely got through it before class was over...what chance did I have when I had to take my time and really think my way through each question and each formula? When class was over I was barely half way through...but I figured she would let me stay and finish it as every other teacher I had had allowed that. She didn't. She pretty much pulled it right out of my hand and said my time was up. I was doomed. I failed that test simply because I didn't have enough completed to pass it with a C even...which means my grade had dropped to a low D if not worse. I knew I could not improve it in the time I had left because I was struggling with it as it was...so I went to the office to see about dropping it (even if I had to do it over at least I might get a teacher I could relate to better...as I did with problem solving). Apparently in this respect I was lucky as dropping full time classes without penalty had only 2 days left. I had no clue about that part...just went there hoping. Yay for me though I still felt like a failure.


So my work load and stress decreased amazingly and I set about concentrating on my other classes. In short time I had all those grades back up to A's and B's...so not a complete failure...however...due to my complete focus on chemistry early on in the semester I let a very important due date pass me by...a date that has affected every thing I have done since in horrible ways.


I forgot to sign up for graduation.


When I was in the office dropping chemistry I happened to overhear someone mention it and asked when the due date was...4 days ago. I asked her if I could still sign up for it...how difficult could it be just to add my name 4 days later? They just needed to know you were graduating..and that you needed a cap and gown...that was all. She said no....period. I had to wait for the next graduation due date...which was in the Summer. I planned on moving from here as soon as school was over as I had had enough of this town and wanted to see other places...now I was stuck well into the Summer. I resigned myself to this particular fate and got on with other things....however, I was currently missing something else that I had no clue about and which would bite me in the ass even harder. I'm telling you...I spent the early part of the semester not aware of a single thing outside of the demands of chemistry and trying to get by in the other classes. I was barely getting any sleep (working the night shift and college during the day and so much time spent on chemistry) that I was not really capable of focusing on anything else...which means I missed another important date.


In order to graduate our college has an Assessment Day (I would assume all colleges have something similar)...a day when you present many example of the work you have done...do a video of something...generally just showcase what you have learned, how you have grown etc. A personal profile type thing. Apparently you have to sign up to do that...and can't graduate without having done it. I missed the sign up...which peeves me to no end because a reminder email would have been nice from the college admins as they know who is ready to graduate (more or less) and a friendly reminder wouldn't go amiss. At any rate...I missed sign up so missed the Assessment Day...and thus couldn't graduate in May as I was expecting too (did I forget to mention that even though my advisor suggested I do chemistry...I, in fact, did not need the credit to graduate as I had taken Biology already...but I will have to do chemistry at some point in the future and she was just wanting me to get it out of the way from now...thanks Jan...all that grief for nothing).


I went to the office once again to inquire about Assessment Day...she said I could do the online course that had started already and try and catch up. The online course is done over a period of weeks while the day itself is just one day of doing everything you need to do (with a list of what you will need etc. to accomplish all that). Ok so..do it online..no big deal. I went home to take a look online. Hmmm.........


There were tons of assignments to do...things we had done already throughout our college experience as well as new stuff she wanted us to do. There were group activities...which I had missed obviously...and due dates of assignments that I had missed as well. So all in all...there wasn't a whole lot I could do  to catch up...which meant I had to make due with what was left. Not a whole lot...only 2 weeks of the class left. I tried but there were way too many papers to write (with points taken off for lateness for the ones that she allowed me to do) and group activities going on of which I had no clue because I had missed out so much already. I was overwhelmed once again.


I went back to the office. She said I could sign up for the Assessment Day in the Summer...and since I had to wait for the Summer to graduate anyhow...why not? So I told her I would do that instead. Burden gone. Or so I thought. Apparently I was still expected to get a grade in this online course (I thought it was understood I wouldn't complete it due to me signing up for the Summer one...but what do I know)...which I wasn't informed of and so failed it. Due to dropping chem and failing this class...my credits needed for being considered a full time student had dropped to just one under the required amount. This meant my Pell Grant status was in danger of being revoked which meant I could be forced to pay it all back. How nice. The fan just kept blowing the shit my way this whole semester.


Currently I am waiting for the college to open again so I can once more go to the office and see how much trouble I am in this time. I don't have a lot of hope in that regard. When it rains it absolutely freaking pours. All my fault, of course...I was completely oblivious to all these dates going by without notice or reminders. I could kick myself after all the work I have done...among other things.


At any rate, I finished the semester with 3 A's and a B...I earned an A on every single paper I had to write throughout my college experience with much praise and feedback. I'm rather proud I was able to come back from those dismal grades I did have earlier on. Especially proud about that stats grade as that wasn't an easy class either for me...and online to boot. Yuck. I haven't received my over all GPA due to not having finished the assessment but I figure it's around 3.4 or 3.5...nothing to sniff at but boy what a headache it has been. I don't recommend it at all. Lack of sleep alone is probably a big factor in why I am in the situation I am in...concentration levels were low throughout the semester and I seriously had to force myself to focus on each class...each assignment and exam...at THAT time...and then pretty much forget about it until the next exam or assignment. No way to get through college. Again... I don't recommend it.


And chemistry. Need I say more. My nemesis and a HUGE factor in why this semester has gone to shit in so many ways.


Also, I had no time to write on this blog because my brain was blank on anything but chemistry...with what brain cells I had left to focus on the other classes. To say I am exhausted is a serious understatement....but it's done...except for the assessment I guess. Who knows? Not me...it seems I have no freaking clue what is going on and boy do I make myself suffer from that ignorance.


Oh yeah...and I can't actually graduate until next May '13 as that is the only time they do graduation ceremonies...so I either stick around until then (I do not intend too) or I skip my actual graduation and miss the diploma being handed to me and wearing the cap and gown etc. They will mail it to me I assume...but maybe I better check on that too. Hmmm....when it rains it pours.


Other than that...I'm doing great.

Free at last....for now.

Sorry for ignoring this blog for so long...this last semester at college has been a head game from the start. Good news, though...I just finished. I am the proud owner of an associates majoring in psych (or will be soon as they send it to me) and it was about one of the hardest things I have done so far. Lack of sleep, no social life, sore feet from working all night and not resting during the day (college)...all for a step up (a small step, but a step) into a world with a bit of a better view than the one afforded from the bottom. Don't ask me what I'm going to do next...sleep without an alarm clock is as far ahead as I can think at this moment. At any rate, I do hope to get back to using this blog more often now...stories to finish...and new ones to tell. Hope I have some readers left but even if I don't...I will still write as that is the balm for my troubled heart...and this past 5 months have seen very little writing...therefore my heart is in serious distress. Let's hope I can sort that mess out here pretty quick. Be back with a post in a day or so.