New Year 2014. Last one was damn rough...time for something a little different.

2012 was one of my worst years yet since I divorced. No lie. I made some very bad choices, burned some much needed bridges, and generally just set myself on a destructive course that nearly had me in the black for good. 2013 was mostly spent trying to do damage control with varying degrees of success depending on who you asked. If you ask me, I wouldn't mind forgetting 2012 all together and parts of 2013 can follow right along, thank you. 

However, I didn't die from any of those bad choices so I will assume that means I still have time to do better and be better. A work in progress. Good days and bad days rub shoulders and have me on that emotional roller coaster ride that never seems to have an end. I have cried a lot and laughed little. I have spent more times just sitting doing nothing other than beating myself up over all those bad choices that just kept coming rather than do something about them...but eventually I caught on and started doing something. Too little too late? As I said, I'm not dead yet so let's assume the answer is no. 

I seriously need to start writing again. I keep saying I will and then let things get in the way even though this empty space is running like a ticker tape through my head day and night. It begs to be filled and my fingers itch to fill it but my mind just gets in the way and makes excuses...never seem to run out of those. 

Anyhow, my one resolution, if I must, is to get back to writing. I need to fill the empty spaces with words that won't stop in my head until they are written down. I need to finish that story I started awhile back that some of you may remember and I need to figure out how to make my writing work for me because I stopped writing and I started spiraling. I see a connection yet I couldn't seem to stop it or fix it. My goal is to write at least one post a week, more if properly motivated. Whether my readers come back or not is immaterial...I always did write just for me but the positive feedback was always nice. 

So here I am, 2014. Not dead yet. Not out for the count. Long as I wake up every morning then I have been given another chance to do better than the day before. Let's see if I have enough sunrises left to undo the destructive sunsets that are behind me? 

Wish me luck. 

A Squeezing of the Heart

A Squeezing of the Heart

For much of my life I was alone. Yes, I had a family growing up but I was not like any of them..or they were not like me. Not sure which is more relevant or if it matters. What matters is that I wasn't very connected with them and so spent much of my time alone...and by alone I don't actually mean physically alone, since that was rather impossible, but more emotionally alone or mentally alone. I spent more time inside my head then out of it...if that makes sense. 

When I married things didn't really change all that much. I really had no connection to my ex, who never read a book, never thought too deeply about anything important, and never understood why I did. I spent more time alone then with him...both physically and mentally. 

I couldn't really make friends either. Mostly because he didn't allow me to be with people, for the most part, but even when I was I didn't really know how to foster friendships and maintain them...so either he broke them up or my inability to be properly sociable did. Either way, I was alone more often than not. I was alone a lot in my life. I could say I was use to it but that wouldn't be true. Choosing to be alone is one thing...having it forced on you is something else.

And then I met someone who changed all that. 

This person was (is) everything I thought I would never have in my life. Something I thought I never deserved to have in my life.

 I was taught from a young age that I was worthless, useless, a waste of space and not very good at anything. Not a good daughter, sister, wife, mother, Muslim, friend, girl friend...etc.. Even though my I.Q. was higher than most children my age (I was tested and skipped grades blah blah blah), I was made to feel stupid and never encouraged to build or make something of my intelligence. My father couldn't be bothered to allow me to see just how smart I was. He refused to send me to college...hell, he refused to pay for SAT to get into college. I couldn't take them because I had no money of my own. I took the free ASVAB and went into the military. Not what I wanted in my life but the choice was not mine at the time....and see where that got me.

My ex spent 20 years destroying what little self worth I had left. He degraded everything there was to degrade in me..both physically and mentally. We both knew I was smarter than him...yet he made it a point to attack me in every way possible so that my intelligence was never a weapon I could use against him. I was too busy trying to get through each day...day after day...trying to be a better wife, mother, Muslim etc. so that the words and abuse would stop. If I could be better...he would be nicer. Didn't work with my dad but it might with the ex.

It didn't work but we all know now that it never would have. Abusers don't care. Period. No amount of fixing yourself will fix them....since they are the ones who are truly fucked up. 

At any rate, by the time this person entered my life...I was about as low as one could go and not actually be under ground in a grave. That all changed...to a point.

There is something about being loved by another human being that changes you. To see how he or she looks at you to the exclusion of anyone else in the room. The way he or she softens their voice to speak just to you...softens their touch just for your skin. The way they sit closer to make sure their body has some kind of contact with you. The way the sound of his voice causes a  reaction in you...or the way her gaze focused on you makes goosebumps crawl up and down your arms. That reaction your body experiences just because that person is near...or if they are not near...just thinking about them can do things to you that nobody else can. The way they go out of their way to make sure YOU know how important you are in their life. How special you are. How loved and appreciated you are just for being you. It's like your existence suddenly makes sense...you exist for the soul purpose to be loved by that someone special. 

Now it is one thing to have someone fall in love with you, quite another for you to believe it...to believe you are worthy to have such a love given to you when you have been made to believe that you are unlovable, unable to generate any emotion other than disgust, hate, or worse, indifference, in others. To have someone open a door and enter your life that knows none of your history, none of your emotional hangups and can't see the scars you have on the inside that are far worse than the ones on the outside...and just loves you because of YOU...not only is that hard to believe...it is hard to understand. 

There is obviously something wrong with me...for my entire life people have been detailing exactly all that is wrong with me. They can't all be wrong...can they? So how is it you can't see what they see? How is it you can see my intelligence? My sense of humor. My blue ocean eyes that sparks a shiver inside you when I look at you with that intensity that you love so well. How is it that my touch, which has always been described as cold and unwelcoming, is suddenly, not only welcomed but longed for? Who is this person you see when you look at me that nobody else can see because it seems you are looking at a stranger. Someone I certainly don't recognize and have never heard of. Since there is something obviously wrong with me...yet you find me desirable, lovable, and all things good...then there must also be something wrong with you. Yes...that is how my mind has been working during the course of this relationship.

Of all the things I have had to work on within myself..my anger, my self esteem, my sense of purpose and worth...believing I am worthy of another person's love has to be the one that has come hardest to me. People who professed to love me have been leaving me all my life...and usually after doing something  truly horrible to me (so better they left really but still painful), and those that stayed in my life made sure I understood they were the ones suffering from my existence because I was more work then I was worth. It is hard to get past a life time of that sort of conditioning. It doesn't happen over night and not just because someone enters your life and tells you that you are loved. 

It doesn't work like that. Believe me. 

No matter how much that person will express his or her love. How much they might go to pains to show you, prove it, live it every day of your life. No matter how much you want to believe it..there is always that little voice in the back of your mind saying, it's only a matter of time before he or she discovers that same person everyone else was aware of, that unlovable person, and do what they all did...either leave or stay and suffer from your existence. 

So because that voice is the voice of the demon that lives in your head and has lived in there since you were old enough to know that a demon lived in your head...it is the voice that dominates much of your thoughts, your choices, your life. No amount of love from another human being can silence the voice of the demon that assures you that no matter what that person says...you are not worth being loved. Period. 

So you hear the words, love and enjoy how that person makes you feel, how they touch your heart, your mind, your body...while the whole time the demon is negating it all in your head. It is a constant war going on that never ceases. There are lulls, there are retreats now and then but it is a full scale war going on and the casualties are constantly piling up. Of course the casualties are the moments you let pass, the choices you made believing they were the right choices, the harm you did to your relationship because the demon dominated your thoughts. Created anger and doubt and suspicion where none existed...but existed in your head none the less. Demons are powerful things. So powerful that sometimes even love cannot conquer them. 

My personal demon was anger, of course. All the years of abuse from every corner of my life caused such an all consuming anger in me that in the end, I had very nearly destroyed not only myself...but the one relationship...the one love that was given to me freely and unconditionally. 

It is not that I don't love this person. I do beyond words. Beyond expression. It is just that I couldn't believe in myself, find worth in myself, find anything in myself to deserve what I was being given so much of. I was letting the anger and self doubt destroy even the little bit of good I had in my life. I was allowing that anger and self doubt to make choices for me that were not good choices but of which I had no power NOT to make because the voice in my head, my demon...was the most powerful force in my life up until then. Not even the greatest love I have ever had the honor of being given could quiet the voice of my own personal demon. 

I had to fall very hard and very fast and all the way to the goddamn bottom almost (almost) before I learned that the demon was alive and well because I fed it, nurtured it, and gave it everything it needed to survive. It needed my anger, my self doubt, my self loathing to live comfortably in my head...it needed everything negative I had within me...and I had a lot...and so it grew and grew and became louder and louder...until every other voice was drowned out (even my own). Even the voice of my love. 

So I made choices. Bad choices. Choices that were bad for me, for my children and for this relationship that was the best thing I have ever had in my life. At the time, of course, I thought they were the right choices but then that was the lying little demon convincing me they were. And I listened...and lost a lot. 

As my previous post indicated, I had an epiphany of sorts. Realized that I needed to just Let Things Go if I was going to survive my life. Survive with any sense of peace and happiness. I'm 44 years old and not getting any younger (so sad) and all I can say is better late than never that I was finally able to drown out that terrible horrible little voice that has been my constant companion since I was a child. Of course I still have moments of doubt, moments of in which I have to mentally catch myself from falling into bad habits of self destruction...but I'm coming along quite well for the most part. 

However, I have learned that just because I am healing myself...working on myself and doing what I can to ensure I am a mentally healthy person...that doesn't mean the damage all that anger created isn't still being felt by those that are closest to me and suffered the most from it. Most especially by the one person that loved me when no other person on this planet could find one reason to do so (not including my children here of course...that is a different kind of love). I damaged this relationship a lot by making choices that hurt us both. I thought they were the right choices at the time...but they were choices made in anger so obviously were not going to turn out well. Unfortunately, fortune telling is not one of my skills...and I'm worse off because of it. 

So now that I have let the anger go (mostly, still working on some issues) and have gained a lot in my life because of it (inner peace, happy thoughts, better choices made with a clearer mind and losing weight), I find that now this relationship is in danger of coming to an end. Not because the love is gone, it isn't. Still as strong as ever. Not because the desire to be together is gone. Still there...but because my anger has been a very real part of this relationship even when we both tried to ignore it or excuse it. My decisions and choices were made from anger and they turned out very bad for all concerned...and so this person is use to being hurt because of my anger and the resulting fall out. Hard to convince someone that it's no longer an issue when it always has been before. Sort of like convincing myself I am worthy of being loved...even when everything in my life convinced me that I wasn't. 

I am so afraid now. More afraid than at any time in my life. More afraid then when I thought my father was going to actually kill me. More afraid then when I thought I was going to actually kill my husband. More afraid then when I thought I was going to die at various times in my life. None of those moments of fear can measure up to the this overwhelming fear that now consumes me that NOW...when I have finally gotten my life on a good track. When I have accomplished so much mentally, physically and emotionally...to the point where I can feel actual happiness is within my grasp...now when I believe that this relationship can actually be better than it has ever been before because NOW I won't be busy destroying it with anger and self doubts etc....now is when it will finally succumb to all the pain it has had to endure over the years. 

Now....when it has the best possible chance of succeeding...is when it will fall apart. 

Irony...Karma...which ever it is...you are a bitch.  

I am fearful that my vanquished demon will return with a vengeance because even though the anger is gone...it is being replaced with fear of abandonment once again. I cannot blame this person for leaving me...lord knows I did my share of pushing away...but I cannot seem to find the right words to convince that all will be better now.

Words have abandoned me, it seems....and without the power of my words...what do I have left to convince with? Words are all I have ever had to truly express myself. To make people listen up and pay attention to me when most of the time I am invisible and ignored. 

I have accomplished so much within myself this past 5 months or so...but my greatest fear is that it is simply too late. I will end up losing the one thing that kept me going when nothing within myself could do that. And for that reason...I am terrified. 

It is hard to remain positive and moving forward towards happiness when that very source of my happiness seems intent on moving further away no matter what I do. I cannot blame anyone but me for this. Which is ironic considering I have been blamed for all the failures my abusers had within themselves but pushed off on me all my life...I didn't deserve those blames...but this one I actually do...and I am afraid it will send me free falling back into the black that I have worked so hard to pull myself out of. 

I have dealt with abuse, with neglect, with anger and self doubt. I have lived through soul destroying loneliness and unhappiness. I have survived when my abusers have died alone or continue to live but are alone having lost everything. I survived all of that for better or worse...but I am not sure I can survive this person leaving me (or worse yet, becoming indifferent). 

It will be one leaving too many. 

All I can say is that I love you. Need you. Want you and that I am so sorry for my past mistakes. I have no excuse other than that I am a work in progress. I cannot undo in such a short time what 40 plus years has had time to create in me. Have a little more patience with me and I promise it will all be worth it. I am trying so hard. Please don't give up on me. 

Please.

The Big Golden Dog that spoke to Coolred in her dreams.

Anyone that has known me throughout my life is aware that I have a thing with dreams. My dreams often come true...in one way or another. This has happened my whole life and I have just come to expect certain dreams will "speak" to me in some way. Now I may have a dozen dreams a week...several dozen a month etc. with nothing extraordinary happening..but then one dream will come along that stands out. It's rather hard to explain why this dream is different except to say that while I'm having the dream, I'm fully aware that THIS dream has something to tell me...and it's usually more vivid and more "real" than other dreams. I wake up and immediately know that something will happen eventually to make this dream "come true".

Another clue that tells me a certain dream is more special than other ones is that I will have it more than once. Up until recently, twice or possibly three times was the max for having one particular dream (with variations but all on the same theme) until that dream played out is some fashion in real life. After that, I never dream that particular dream again.

Until several months ago that was the pattern for my Special Dreams. Now and then a certain dream would come to me...possibly twice or three times...and then become reality in some fashion. Not all the dreams were good, so to speak, so I can tell you that I have been damn scared by some of them...but generally speaking they have been pretty interesting the way they played out.

As I said, up until a few months ago...then something happened that changed the whole Special Dream scenario...I dreamt of a Big Golden Dog. When I say big...I mean larger than the size that this particular dog (it appeared to be a Golden Retriever type dog) generally grows. His head reached my chest and was the most beautiful dog I have ever had the pleasure to look at.

I knew from the moment this dream started that Big Golden Dog was special. I needed to pay attention to this dream. However, in the first dream he did nothing more than follow me around the dream as the dream itself played out. I wasn't surprised when about a month later he showed up in my dreams again. This time he walked by my side as I wandered through my dream. Again, nothing happened to explain his presence but I felt incredibly calm just having him in the there with me. I remember waking up and just laying there almost expecting that he followed me out of the dream...that's how real he seemed to me.

Over the course of several months Big Golden Dog made an appearance in my dreams 4 times (the first time a particular dream happened that often)...but something interesting started happening...he started looking directly at me and doing things with his muzzle (mouth) that made me feel as if he was trying to speak to me.  It got to the point where I absolutely hated waking up because I felt like just a few more seconds and I would understand what he was trying to tell me...and he was really struggling by the 4th dream. I knew, without a doubt, that if he showed up in my dreams again...he would speak to me...and I also knew he had something important to tell me. 4 dreams obviously meant something...but what?

You know where this is headed, right? Big Golden Dog did show up for a 5th time...and yes...he spoke to me...but wait...first let me give some back ground that will explain what he had to tell me and why it was so damn important that I get the message (as if I needed telling but who am I to dictate my dreams...or who shows up with a message in them).

If you read my previous post (I hope), you will know that I have been struggling with a lot of personal issues for a long time. The past few years have been especially hard after the divorce (and the reasons for it) and just dealing with the anger that permeated me so deep I think my bones were soaked in fury. I sank quite low, to the point where friends were abandoning me and I was in danger of losing some very important relationships that meant the world to me. I was on a very destructive course that had me free falling into The Black.

It's about this time (at my lowest and darkest point) that Big Golden Dog first showed up. I didn't equate the two until much later...as you will see.

At around the beginning of this year I had a nasty wake up call. I realized that if I continued on this course of self destruction I was going to lose the one relationship that mattered more than any other (besides my children). I needed to figure out a way to rid myself of this over powering anger in order to save myself...and the relationship. By this time Big Golden Dog had shown up 3 times.

I started thinking (see previous post) about all my issues and what was at the root of all the anger. My ex obviously played a very big role in this. The life I had with him has scarred me in ways that I will never be rid of...but I was holding onto the anger long after the divorce was a done deal...so essentially I was keeping the man in my life as if we were still married. I needed to drop that mentality if I planned on getting rid of that anger. I spent two days off from work, around this point, doing nothing but laying in my bed and thinking...and just letting go of things that had bothered me to the point of causing issues for me...and for those closest to me. It was a weekend of mental purging and by the end of it I was completely exhausted. I barely had the energy to return to work...but before I did Big Golden Dog returned for a 4th time. This is when he really tried to talk to me but couldn't quite make it.

By this time I had told plenty of people about my dreams and the latest star appearance. Everyone had opinions about what a dog in a dream meant but I was no nearer to knowing at this point what his purpose was...but I knew he would come again and I was patient.

By March I had sorted through a lot of my mental anguish and had let so much crap go that I started feeling like a new person. It was mid March that I traveled to Bahrain to attend my daughter's birth of my first grandchild (another story there) and for the first time ever...I enjoyed my time spent in Bahrain (with a few bumps). So much of the anger and suffering that I equated with that country was simply gone. It was almost like visiting it for the first time...with no preconceived opinions about it. When it came time to leave and return to this life...I actually didn't want to go. Yes, I know. Quite surprising that Coolred was actually reluctant to leave the country where here demons came to life...but reluctant I was. I could almost feel my heels digging in even as I looked forward to seeing the children I had left behind for a month.

It was then that I truly realized I had successfully done what I never thought I would ever be able to do. I separated the fact of my abusive 20 year marriage to a worthless human being...from the country it took place in. Bahrain wasn't evil just because evilness occurred there. If that were true then America would be evil and unacceptable to me as well since my own father was every bit as abusive as my ex. I realized that I had been equating the place with my ex and my marriage...and for that I had been making those closest to me suffer with my anger and personal issues. I also realized that because some of my children still live there (and my new grandchild) that I would obviously be making more trips back there and so getting rid of the anger and bullshit that crowded my mind was paramount if I was going to be the Awesome Gramma that my own mother never was (another story...I have plenty of them...just wait).

I returned home with renewed determination to continue the healing process. I had plenty of incentive...a new me...a new life awaited...and happiness.

And so...for the 5th time Big Golden Dog showed up in my dreams (last week)...and he spoke to me just as I knew he would.

And this is what he said.

You have lived a life full of pain. It has made you who you are today, for better or worse. You cannot deny your past nor can you change it...all you can change is how you let it influence your future. Letting go was essential for healing to begin. Those who left you while you struggled were meant to leave...and those who have stayed were meant to stay. Do not spend precious moments grieving or feeling anger for those that are no longer in your life as their paths sent them in a different direction. Those that love you, need you, and want you in their lives have made it a point to remain in your life. You have learned that life is short. Time is precious. Prolonged anger is a wasted emotion and love is often the victim. You have traveled a rough road but it has led you to where you are today. Be proud for what you have accomplished. There is still work to be done but you are well on your way. Happiness is always a choice.

I woke up from this dream feeling absolutely amazing. Rested and at peace with the choices and actions I have made recently. I have no doubt that what I want for what remains of my life is the right choice or me...but it doesn't hurt to get a second opinion that supports that choice. Ha ha.

Big Golden Dog (who remained nameless throughout the dreams but strongly reminded my of my dog King) was a sort of spiritual adviser I'm thinking. Something I've never experienced but certainly was well worth the wait. I have no idea if I will see him again but I doubt it. He had a message and he delivered it.

2011-Wrap Up (more or less)

Due to my infrequent posting this past while...decided to complete this meme to catch some people up...all 5 of you.

1. What did you do in 2011 that you have never done before?
I went rafting on a river as a college activity. It was very awesome!! I also attended a funeral for a biker that was a regular in my store. I have never been to a funeral before (just a wake/viewing..not sure what it's called) much less a biker one. It was very emotional as several friends of his read poems or said something rather informally. I might add that compared to funerals I see on tv (my only comparison) its impromptu and informal feeling made it seem more special and meaningful..at least to me.

2. Did you keep your new years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I consider resolutions to be like promises to yourself...and I'm not one for making promises because I'm not always able to keep them. This not only disappoints the one I made them too but I let myself down in the process as well. So...no resolutions...but I do give myself options. Options are good.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Not that I am aware of...(should check Facebook statuses more often maybe)

4. Did anyone close to you die?
No.

5. What countries did you visit?
Only the ones I read in books...I'm home after 23 years..don't plan on going anywhere anytime soon.

6. What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011?
I specific date that will change my life...I know its somewhere up ahead...but no idea when it will manifest itself.

7. What date from 2011 will remain etched upon your memory, and why.
Arab Spring...the totality of all those arab countries (the date as each one started more or less) coming to life and seeing their dictators fall one by one..with a few more still to go...but as each one falls I can't help but feel apprehensive that the only result will be a new one taking the place of the old. Let's hope, for their sake, real change will happen from deep within..and not just surface change that really changes nothing at all.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
I spent most of my younger years (in Bahrain) practicing a level of patience unknown to most. I had to if I wanted to survive with my sanity intact...but these past few years a certain amount of jaded impatience had crept in and I seemed unable to stop the takeover. I worked very hard this year to gain some of that former patience back...though not to the extent I will take anything from anyone as before...I am no longer in a position of having to submit for the sake of peace or my children. It's been hard but I feel I'm gaining ground.

9. What was your biggest failure?
See #8 those times that I failed to practice patience are the times people got hurt. For that I failed them..and myself.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Ended up in the emergency room with a severe tooth infection...wasn't pretty or something I wish to repeat. Fell down a flight of stairs....killed my knee which still gives me grief from time to time. And of course the most painful of all...a heart that will remain injured and in constant pain until the only person that can repair it is free to do so. This could take awhile so...2012 round up addition maybe? *sigh*


11. What was the best thing you bought?
A ring for someone special.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Every person that withheld their tongue from saying something that would hurt another. It takes true effort to bite your tongue and we do not always manage that...a celebration is called for (even if nobody even knows there is a need for one except you) whenever this happens. If this was you at anytime..my hats off to you. I didn't always manage it.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Humans killing humans simply to remain in power...we all are going to die..that power you are killing for..will still be there long after you are gone...is that spilled blood worth it?

14. Where did most of your money go?
Bills. Not many extras this year.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
3 "really's? Hmmm....well I got really excited about doing so well in college..hard work and no sleep pays off even if it doesn't feel like it at the time. I got really really excited as summer arrived and I knew a certain person was coming to visit. BUT my really really REALLY excited moment will be when #6 happens. It will definitely be worth 3 "reallys".

16. What song(s) will always remind you of 2011?
Bruno Mars: It Will Rain

17. Compared to this time last year, are you: Happier or sadder?
This is a tough question because certain aspects of my life make me happier simply because it is not like it use to be...but then other parts are not going as I wish them to and so sadness is also ever present. I have my ups and downs...as long as the ups last longer than the downs...I will manage to get through them.


18. Thinner or fatter?
My bank account is definitely thinner.

19. richer or poorer?
My health is fairly even..so in that I am richer than most. My bills are also paid each month (even if that leaves nothing left over..but paid is paid) so I am richer in that respect as well. I am constantly learning new things and evolving my thoughts and beliefs to align with this new knowledge..and for that I am definitely richer than many who fail to take advantage of such an incalcuable amount of information out there and prefer to stick to what they "know". However, I do not have many friends still (haven't quite learned how to make them and keep them...lived too long without much company I suppose..I'm sad to admit I am still socially inept) so for that I am definitely poorer. Also, a few of the people I love most are far from me...until they are near me again..I am most definitely poorer in that respect.

20. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Reading things that didn't have an exam after it. Ride my bike when the weather was good. Take 2 day trips or something similar and see new things.

21. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Crying...thinking of past mistakes.

22. How did you spend Christmas?
Sleeping...with my schedule I have to grab sleep when I can.

23. How many one-night stands?
Well since this is not Facebook and such information is strictly for that social outlet..I shall plead the 5th. ;)

24. What was your favorite TV program?
I don't watch much TV but watch the occasional series on netflix now and then. I got caught up in Breaking Bad. Excellent. I also liked Army Wives.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
Not sure if hate is the right word...but someone that I thought loved me...proved that anyone can hold a knife and seek to shred your heart with it. I do not hate her...I simply feel nothing. To hate her would be to think about her and flame the hate...I'm past such things. I cut her from my life...unfortunately taking that knife out has proved difficult...can't reach around to my back like I could when I was younger.

26. What was the best book you read?
Didn't have lots of time to read anything outside of college but I did find time to read a few things. A book by Christopher Hitchens really spoke to me. Religion Poisons Everything. Also, Daniel Dennet's Breaking the Spell.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Adele..though I didn't "discover" her...she's been around...just had not heard of her.

28. What did you want and get?
A kindle...but really haven't had time to enjoy it as much as I would like.

29. What was your favorite film of this year?
I saw very few new films this year...still hooked on some old ones that I watched again though.

30. What did you do on your birthday?
My friend took me to dinner with her husband and some friends. It was a special night...you don't turn 29 every year...well actually I do but whose counting.

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2011?
The same one I have practiced most of my life (even under the abaya)..jeans and tshirt.

32. What kept you sane?
The fact that there are still people who love me...despite my failures..or maybe because of them. Not real sure.

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
I have/had (not sure if it's gone yet or I just haven't had time to muse about it) a serious girl crush on Ellen Degeneres. The lady obviously has her down times like all of us but she still manages to light up a room and make people smile...even when you don't really feel like it...and she does it without making others the butt of cruel "jokes". That takes a lot of class in hollywood anymore.

34. What political issue stirred you the most?
Bahrain protestors. (and all arab states but this one is personal for obvious reasons) This little island that is "known" for being so goddam friendly is shown to the world to be exactly what it is and has always been...a little island ruled by a corrupt family who will stop at nothing, including murder, to keep their pitiful little self appointed titles, money, and corrupt life styles.

35. Who did you miss?
My daughter who is far from me...and my love.

36. Who was the best new person you met?
My anthropology teacher was one of the most interesting people I have ever met.

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011.
Realizing that even though you love someone...you cannot have them in your life if you want to keep peace within yourself and keep the drama down. You have to cut them loose even if it seems like the harshest remedy.

That's it more or less...as stated. 2011 went by so fast...and yet so slow. Some interesting things happened, some fun stuff, a few sorrows..and a couple of surprises as well. Learned a few things about myself that made me go hmmmm...but all in all...I survived it. I consider that a blessing when so many across the globe didn't.

p.s. I will start posting more here now that college is done...I had the most hectic college/work schedule and could find no time to formulate thoughts that weren't meant for a paper of some sort. One more semester of college to go..but I think I can find time this semester to post my usual drivel. Stay tuned, folks.

Transitions and a mother's heart

From the moment of our conception we start experiencing transitions from one phase of life to another. We transition from the womb to life on the outside; from childhood to adulthood and then to old age, from good health to bad health and the list goes on. For every transition we experience we learn something new about ourselves. As youngsters we covet being older, but then when we are older we pine for our youth. When we are in good health we try to not think about the "what if's" of bad health and then when we do fall ill we look back and play the "if only" game. If only I had taken better care of myself. Transitions are sometimes slow and barely noticeable and others are lightning fast and leave one out of breath and trying to make sense of what just happened. We don't always see them coming. We might even think we are prepared for one when it does happen but find out later we had no clue. Somethings just can't be prepared for.

I have experienced many transitions in my life, too many to mention here, but suffice to say this latest one is really hitting me where it hurts. I am, what is referred to as a non-traditional student; an older adult who has returned to or is attending college for the first time after a long period of time away from an educational institution. For the past year I have been juggling various roles that I must "play" in order to fulfill my dream to have a degree and better my life. I have been a full time employee at night, a full time college student during the day, and a full time mother for 23 years. Somewhere in there I find some time to sleep, I think. It has been hectic and stressful and some days I wonder what I'm giving myself all this grief for, on purpose. I've heard various rumors that it will eventually be worth it. Right now it's still too early to tell.

All of this stress has been compounded by the fact that my own children are reaching an age where they are looking to the horizon and wondering what's on the other side. I have heard about the "empty-nest" transition but nothing has prepared me for the truly empty feeling that results as one by one my chicks try their wings and head for the sun. The fact that those maternal strings seem so easily cut after all the pain I have gladly suffered to keep them tied securely leaves me feeling lost and somewhat useless. I'm sure that many of the students attending college now are experiencing this new transition of being away from home for the first time. Many of you probably looked forward to this new phase in your life and thus packed your bags and closed the door behind you without thinking too hard about the consequences; about the ones you left behind. Every new phase in your life leaves a ripple affect and those around you feel it in their own way.

It is the cycle of life that a mother nurtures and cares for her children and prepares them for the big world outside her heart. She does what she can to ensure they have the skills they need and at least a basic understanding of how the world works. She tries to teach them people don't always play nice and being hurt is going to happen. Then she teaches them how to deal with that hurt. She spends every waking moment of her life trying to improve the lives of her children and giving them a safe haven from the world and all it's dangers. She does this without thought of reward or the losses she has endured in order for them to prosper. Then suddenly she looks around and finds that her nest is empty (nearly) and all that she has left are the echoing voices of her children in every room of the house and the always present pain of being a mother in her heart.

If you are somebody's child, and you know you are, stop and think for a moment about how your latest transition may have affected those closest to you. As you face each new challenge and reach for the future with open arms...take a moment to think about the two open arms that are now empty waiting patiently for you to remember her and come back and fill them again. She would never stop you from living your life but she still wants to be a part of it.

Have you called your mother today? Have you given her a hug lately (if you can)? Have you stopped to think of her knowing full well that she has never stopped thinking of you? Transitions are never easy for those concerned but a heartfelt call home or an unexpected hug certainly soothes an aching heart.

People tell me there is a light at the end of this paricular tunnel. That may well be true but for now, it's still pitch black.

To dream a little a dream....

As the last page slips into the tray she gathers the pile up, straightens them up, and lays them down on her desk. She sits awhile just looking at them and not thinking a whole lot about anything much. For the moment the "what if" game is being silent and her thoughts are wispy things that have no substance.

She reaches over and takes the single white envelope from the edge of the desk and writes an address on it and then her own. She picks up the papers and starts to slide them inside...but hesitates. After a moment she sits back with the papers and once again begins to read what she has written...though she has read it many times already. It has been a long time in coming....making the journey from the darkest recesses of her mind to the white pristine papers in her printer.

As each word of each line skims across her vision her mind instantly plays out the scenes of her life; the good, the not so good, and the ones she wishes she could forget, but of course, that will never happen. Some things are with you forever.

She reaches the end and once again straightens the pages into an orderly pile....and slips them into the waiting envelope. Along with the papers she inserts her hopes and dreams that within these pages her future lies. That the events of her life will finally have meaning because to believe it had none is more than she can bear.

She lays the envelope down while she dresses but can't help looking over now and then...and realizes the power that is contained within those pages. The power to change her life...the thought frightens her nearly as much as it sparks a bright light of hope within her heart.

She slips on her jacket and collects her keys then walks over and stands in front of her desk looking down. The sudden urge to just chuck the whole thing in the garbage can at her feet is so strong she realizes her hand is already reaching out to do just that before she can stop it...she snatches it back and takes a deep breath. A small pep talk was in order...and she gives it and listens patiently to it before grabbing the envelope quickly and heads for the door.

As she sits in her car she tosses it carelessly into the passenger seat...almost as an after thought. If she dwells too long on its importance she feels she will lose herself in the enormity of what she is about to do...and of course back out while she still can. Backing out is NOT an option...just start the car and get moving.

Traffic is sufficient to require concentration but she still manages to steal a glance or two at the seat next to her. The closer she gets to her destination the harder her heart pounds until eventually she can hear neither the sounds of traffic nor the negative voice in her head that has been her constant companion these long lonely years.

She pulls up into the parking lot and snatches it up and quickly enters the building as if the hounds of hell are on her heels. She can't help but glance over her shoulder...just to make sure it IS just her imagination.

She arrives at the counter and thrusts the envelope that contains her life at the surprised employee. Almost instantly she starts to grab it back as if discovering her child in the arms of a stranger. She catches herself and steps back from the counter and plasters a smile on her face to put the cautious employee at ease...or so she hopes.

Uhm....can I help you, he asks.

Yes...I would like to send that by registered mail...she answers quickly. She is pretty sure she sounds normal...at least to her ears...though they are full of the sound of her beating heart.

Ok...fill out this paperwork and that will be $6.80...and it should be there by Thursday, he says as he places a sticker on her life and sets it behind him on the outgoing mail shelf. She looks at it sitting there and can't help but imagine the little adventure it is about to embark on. Once again the analogy of a child comes to mind...her child is venturing out into the world and she won't be there to keep it safe. Her heart not only pounds but squeezes too with pain and trepidation.

She quickly looks away before the tears that threaten start to fall. You would think she had just laid baby Moses in a basket preparing to push him off into the unknown waters the way she felt.

She fills out the paper work and pays the fee then turns to walk away. She can't help but look one more time at her hope for the future lying there so innocently on the shelf. Such power in that envelope...she is amazed there isn't some sign, almost biblical in nature, that would indicate the essence of what those pages contain.

She gets back in her car and starts the engine. Buckles her seat belt then turns the radio on. Checks her mirrors before pulling out and heads for home...and it is only then that she allows herself to dream a little dream.

And the waiting begins....

College Class Update

I've started my second semester of college after a very hectic first semester. It took me awhile to find my groove that first semester; find time for work, homework and family. As I said...HECTIC!!

Anyhow, just to wave my own flag for a second here, after all that headache, stress and much hair pulling, I did manage to finish the semester on the Deans List. don't ask me how I managed that because I haven't a clue. But still, yay me.

Side note...the only thing that stopped me from finishing with ALL A's was one certain speech teacher that gave me a B in his class. I hate to admit I have serious doubts as to whether I deserved that B. I did flub the first speech (deer in headlights remember...ugh) and got a C but I got A's on the next two and A'ced the the final as well. Sooooo....it makes me think he had other issues with me (possibly my connection to Arabs/Islam that he showed obvious dislike for?), but I don't know for sure so I can't say.

Anyways, new semester new stresses, new likes and dislikes etc. Here's a second week into it run down.

Algebra I & II. This class isn't really a class. It's all done on line with a teacher circulating the class encase anyone needs help. No lectures, no examples on the board with detailed explanations etc. I'm a visual person so this is very hard for me to deal with. I'm finding it difficult to understand the rationale in mixing numbers with letters and calling it math. Ugh! It's even more confusing to me because I use to be an ace at math, a whiz, somewhat of a genius actually. When I was young I could do complicated math problems in my head people! No lie. When I was a mere 6th grader I was placed in 9th grade Algebra, which did nothing to make friends for me. For some reason 9th graders did not take kindly to a puny 6th grader showing them up. I mostly kept silent after realizing that just because I was smart didn't mean I had to show it. (oh the memories) I would have to venture a guess and deduce that my "math muscle" has atrophied due to inactivity and such. In other words, Use It or Lose It! I lost it. *sigh*

Good news is that this class is taught by my previous math teacher so we have a relationship established already. She is a good instructor so I'm confident things will go smooth.

Technical Writing: This class is about learning how to write business correspondence, ads, memos, things meant to be published in other words. So far it comes across as very odd. The instructor gives very strange homework that many of us have concluded makes no sense based on what we were taught in class. He also is a very sedate, methodical instructor. a.k.a. boring. I could fall asleep in the time it takes him to get his point across. Most of the students in this class are the same ones that were in my English Comp class last semester. While that class was Las Vegas with its funny lectures, jokes, and all around feel good atmosphere...this one is like a trip through Mr Rodgers Neighborhood...with Mr Rodgers leading the way. No excitement, no laughter, just information given in slow monotones and glazed eyes and big yawns are prevalent. I don't particularly care for this class at the moment but it's required to full fill our English credit so what can I do. Get it out of the way I guess. *sigh*

Spanish I: I actually love Spanish class despite my struggle learning foreign languages. Arabic definitely did not come easy to me (still struggling with that..ugh) but our instructor is a bubbly, sexy energetic Latino woman and she makes all the difference in how the class runs. It's interesting to note that Spanish and Arabic have very similar grammar rules. It's also a "what you see is what you get" in terms of spelling etc. There are no silent letters in other words. I like the class a lot and hope I can learn sufficient Spanish to converse with my many Spanish speaking customers. However, I noticed that I definitely need to be in class and learn the material first hand. The two days I missed for various reasons could be viewed quite well on our first exam. I did well on the sections I was in class...not so well on the sections I was not in class. I vow to not miss any classes if I can help it. I also noticed that she doesn't spend much time on any given section. The first day we were learning vowel sounds and basic Spanish rules...the next words...and the next we were expected to be reading and reciting whole sentences. Obviously it's going to be a speedy train to the final destination...so got to be there for the whole ride. LOL

Soy optimista!!!

Wyoming Govt & Politics: I have to admit right here and now that I know very little about the American govt system and how it operates and came to be what it is. Other than what I learned in 9th grade govt. class I have little experience with it. My only excuse being that I have been overseas for all of my adult life and busy with other things...ahem. I thought the class would be boring but it's actually quite interesting. Of course this doesn't mean I'm going to find it a breeze or anything but at least I won't be falling asleep in it as I see many other students doing in that big hall while the lights are off and projector on. LOL The instructor is quite dynamic as well so that's helpful. He is making a potential "dry subject" (at least to me) engaging and thought provoking. Also, it's actually two classes; one day a week are a combined class with several lecturers giving their opinions etc about current events or politics etc, which helps keep boredom at bay with every new face etc; and we've got a once a week class with our own specific instructor fine tuning what we heard in the lecture hall...with his own added commentary. So it's interesting and I think I will learn a lot about politics before I'm done. They also aren't afraid to speak of "controversial" issues and let us comment on those subjects too so that's always fun to be able to speak freely with learned people about certain subjects. Right now we are discussing the topic, "what's so great about being an American and is our democratic system any better than what passes for democracy in other countries?". Fun stuff.

College paper: Of course I continued with writing for the school paper. I was also made Assistant Editor this semester as my instructor really likes my writing. She hinted that I will be made Editor sometime in the future if I continue in this vein. I found it funny that I actually don't always get a chance to look at the college paper once it's published and so was actually surprised to see the last one published from last semester had the whole mid section spread dedicated to one of my articles. She never told me she was doing that so had no particular interest in making it a point to see the paper once it came out. I generally tend to write my piece then let her do what she wants with it and leave it at that. I guess as Asst. Editor I may have to change that blase' attitude. LOL

I just want to point out that that particular article was me blathering on about how I feel every American needs to get a passport and leave the bubble that is America and see the rest of the world rather than rely on such things as Fox News and Oprah to fill them in. Most Americans will never leave their hometown, their state, or even their side of the continent and so obviously will never leave America for any reason. This is to our great disadvantage as the world is made up of more than just America and how can we know a people or culture unless we get out there and experience it? Just a thought. Anyhow....

Developmental Psychology: Same instructor as my previous psych class so at least I know her exam style etc (all from her lectures, the text is more of a back up reading sort of thing). She is very interesting and makes this class enjoyable. Psychology is just fascinating to me and I look forward to it. This class focuses on child development from conception to teen years. After having 5 kids and 'seeing it all" so to speak...I'm hoping it won't be too hectic as far as needing to study etc...but who knows. Last semester my first exam in college was one of hers and I completely bombed it. Got a D simply because it had been 25 years since my last exam and over estimated my abilities...what can I say...I use to be a whiz kid...living on past glories obviously doesn't pass exams for you. LOL Got down off that high horse REAL quick and buckled down and learned how to study all over again...or should I say for the first time...LOL. I never actually studied when I was younger...I know...you hate me. Ha ha so do I remembering my cavalier attitude towards studying back then. The ego of youth and all that. Anyhow I like this class and look forward to it.

Well, that's it for now. A little run down for ya. My attitudes about each class may change over time (looking at you Spanish) but for now that's it. Wish me luck.


*side note. My boss moved me from the branch on the other side of town to the one just down the street from me. This means that, not only can my kids come walking down to visit me since during school we don't always get meaningful time together, it also means I don't have to hurry back and forth all the time to make it to work etc. More time to stay at college and get work done etc. Bonus. Down side...these customers are not nearly so interesting as the ones at the other store. *sigh*

So glad thats over with...for now. *sigh*

My first college semester is finally over...all I can say is...WTF!! Whose idea was that anyhow? I can't remember when I last I had such a hectic stressed filled few months....oh wait...I forgot. The last few months in Bahrain were seriously hectic right up until we were on the plane and heading down the runway. (how soon we forget) Anyhow...thought I would give you guys a run down of my highs and lows..up and downs...laughs and disasters...so to speak. This will be a mini series of sorts so it's not too long of a read.

Psychology

Psychology class was amazing. I just loved my instructor and the class itself was informative and interesting. I looked forward to it every day and even had a few things that have happened in my life explained in a meaningful way. That's always a plus because most of what has happened never seemed to make much sense...at least not to me. Anyhow...the one draw back to the class were her exams. Those were some of the most difficult exams I can ever remember taking in my life. Even though they were multiple choice questions...she phrased them in ways that made every answer seem right...or wrong...but hardly ever had an answer that I could look at and say THAT's the answer. I really had to read those questions...sit and think about her lectures, my notes. the textbook etc...even my own life experiences sometimes...just to whittle the answers down to the one that looked the MOST right...LOL. It took me forever to take her tests. We had 7 exams in her class and then the final exam. Those 7 were a mix of A's B's and even one D. The first exam I took in college was one of hers..and it kicked my butt. That's the D and I was sooooo freakin mortified that I got that D. I have never failed a test in my life and I nearly failed that one. My first college exam. I was nearly ready to call it quits and tuck my tail and run. It was very demoralizing and required a monumental effort from me, and a few others that pep talked me back into the right frame of mind, to stick with it.

In her class if you maintain an A average your not required to take the final exam. I had that A right up until the last exam, the one I took after the weekend of the two robberies (argh) and so I dipped below an A...sucked big time. I just wasn't in the right frame of mind for a Monday morn exam after that hectic weekend. I faced a 14 chapter final exam and knowing how hard her exams are (for me) and how long it takes me to work my way through them...I was seriously freakin out about it. Did I mention I was working 6 nights a week as well..so practically NO time to study..or even finish the few remaining bits of homework etc I had.

I went into that classroom with a plethora of mixed emotions...I was the last one out of that classroom having taken about 25 min longer than anyone else. I just KNEW I hadn't done as well as I had hoped. 75 questions...some were straight forward...answered those with a bit of confidence. Others were either or type questions...a little bit of hesitation on those...and then there were the totally unfamiliar ones...the type where your brain insist you simply did NOT have that subject in your class...she threw that in there to screw with you. You know those types..there seemed to be A LOT on the test....argh!!! I skipped over those....leaving them for later. Eventually had to face them..hence me being the last one out. I spent quite a bit of time on those because sometimes her questions are really tricky. A key word that is easy to overlook can be the answer your looking for...but if you miss it...you head off in the wrong direction and ...she has answers there for that wrong direction too. So tricky...she is evil.

Anyhow...got through...turned it in...took about 10 steps down the hall then remembered I forgot the extra credit question. Work out pi 20 places. I actually knew the answer to that as we had done it before...in her class and math class...so I COULD have gotten 10 extra points..which I felt I definitely could have used...but forgot about the whole thing. I was sooooo effing pissed at myself for that. Kicked myself for not focusing on such things that would help me...anyhow *sigh*...it was done for better or worse.

Most of the time we can walk away from an exam just knowing whether we did ok or not. With this psych exam I had NO clue how I did. Nothing. I ran home and checked some answers...for some reason I completely blanked most of the questions..couldn't remember them to save my life...so checked the ones I remembered. Turns out I missed at least 2 from those 20 or so I could remember. Not good odds at all. I was a mess thinking about that exam. One minute I was sure I did ok...a B at least...not bad. The next I was sure I failed it terribly. It was a roller coaster ride that had no end in sight.

The day the results were in I checked on-line for my grade..no luck. Went to college to check..twice...couldn't find her anywhere. Came home and checked on-line again...still no luck. I was totally freakin out and couldn't get the relief I needed to end my anxiety...good or bad. About an hour later I checked one last time and there it was...I stared at the grade not believing what I was seeing. I reached for my glasses just to be sure my blurred vision wasn't teasing me....

An "A" was staring back at me.

I suddenly had no idea how the letters of the alphabet went...did A come before B...C...how did that work again??? I was floored. I didn't for a moment expect I had done well enough to get a B much less an A. I was floored (did I mention that). I called my best friend and shouted the good news to her. She told me she knew I could get an A...I'm glad one of us knew that. I ran and put my clothes on and raced to the college to find my instructor and see my test. The test was outside her door..she was nowhere to be found. I looked at it and relished that big red A circled at the top. It was then I realized I had only missed 3 questions from 75 question exam. Can anyone say WOW!!! The two I had remembered and one other I had forgotten to check. I looked on her door to see the breakdown of scores she always had there. Turns out my score was the second best one. Wow again!!! I know some of you are thinking..what's the big deal? All I can say is that...I was scared when I took that exam...scared that I hadn't had a chance to study properly...scared that I would let myself and my instructor down..scared that I would crash and burn in the subject I was interested the most in. So many fears when I faced that test...then seeing all those questions and drawing a complete blank on many of them. That A was COMPLETELY unexpected...not even hoped for ....not even attainable far as I was concerned.

Turns out I knew more than I thought..or am a crack guesser when up against the wall. LOL.

I didn't find my teacher but I did happen to run into her later that day at the public library. She congratulated me and said she was concerned when faced with grading it because of how I was in the class. Apparently that look of complete and utter dejection was written all over me...LOL...so was happy that looks aren't everything..so to speak. I will have her again in the fall with Developmental Psych...and she is my advisor as well. She rocks!!! An awesome instructor.

Did I forget to mention that she nominated me to receive the Psychology scholarship award..though I think it's referred to as the Science of Humanities Scholarship or something like that. Apparently she prefers to nominate nontraditional students (older, divorced, single mothers etc) as she feels they are making the most sacrifices by attending college at that stage in life. I noticed in my college profile information it says scholarship pending...sooooo I'm assuming that means it's MINE. LOL $1500....should pay for the next whole year of college...yay me!!!

And that's my psych breakdown (edit...just realized the pun there..LOL)...stay tuned for English next post.

The Best Part of Working in a Convenience Store is...

the never ending array of interesting conversations that I have with customers.

Along with my wonderful conversation I had with Charlie in my previous post...Ive had so many funny, exciting, and just plain eye opening conversations with customers....both regular and those that are just passing through. I try and keep some paper nearby just so I can write down some witty sayings or interesting observations but invariably forget it at work and it gets thrown away. I will try harder to keep track of them as they are definitely worthy of a book some day..LOL.

A recent conversation I had with one of my regular elderly customers had me laughing and joking but also made me stop and think about how we tend to judge someone quickly based only on looks...without knowing a single thing about what makes them tick.

Take Oliver for instance....

Oliver looks to be in his 70's, almost always wear a white t-shirt with a pair of denim bib overalls (which reminds me a great deal of my grandfather) and has a quaint air about him that is very gentlemanly and proper. He has a wonderful smile as well with just a touch of an accent that is very northern. He is a joy to converse with when time permits...and a few nights ago time permitted..our conversation when something like this.

Now when I first had a chance to have a proper conversation with him we delved into such things as philosophy, the death penalty, world events etc...and he has wonderful points of view...varied and not what you would expect...or at least not what I expected. So when our recent conversation took a twist...I was both surprised...and not...by his thoughts on the subject.

We started talking about "trying something new" in order to keep things and life interesting. The mundane and ordinary just made life boring and not worth the effort...so says Oliver...and a lot of other people I'm sure. So, when he asked me what was I willing to try that was new and different from my "norm"...I seriously tried to shock him with this..."well, Oliver, I was thinking of giving the gay lifestyle a try"....and waited for the condemnation. The older generation tend to not "swing that way" for the most part...another assumption that was about to be shattered.

Oliver got very thoughtful for a minute then looked at me straight in the eye and said something that I will remember years from now when so many other things about working at that store will be forgotten. He said..."when it comes to love we surely can't choose whom we love...so who are we to judge when people find love whether we agree with it or not?" While I took that wonderful statement in he hit me with another one...

He told me that he had served in the military and that while he had never "swung that way" (loved that he used that phrase) he said there was this one soldier that always "took his breath away" whenever he saw him. The faraway look in his eye and the softening of his voice told me that he was experiencing that "breathless state" once again...no doubt many decades later.

I was amazed by the passionate tone of his voice and by the fact that I had misjudged him obviously...assuming something about his beliefs and what he accepted as "life" and what was an "abomination" according to some. How refreshing to have my assumptions shattered.

He left me with a parting thought...he told me since we can't choose whom we love...when love chooses us we should grab it with both hands...cause it is so hard to find. I was in a fantastic mood for the rest of the night despite my sore feet and unending line of secret alcoholics clamoring for more.

The next night I was off but my co-worker told me he came in again and asked about me. Apparently the conversation had left a mark on him too...he asked my co-worker if I was busy "trying something new yet"...LOL...she said give me some time...knowing me it wouldn't be long. (she was joking ...I think)

Then again...he came in last night and we discussed how kids these days need a good beating as they are so "pansy assed" and "coddled" from the assumption that "every ones a winner"....he suggested the "switch make a comeback" as a form of punishment. Something his own father used on him and see how well he turned out...LOL. While I don't agree with physically punishing children (I myself was an abused child) it was interesting to hear his thoughts.

Anyhow, I was chatting with a "chat buddy" back in Jan and I told her that this was my year to be an Instigator...to shake it up...get people agitated...cause mayhem and destruction if possible just to prove my one point...YOU MAY THINK YOU KNOW ME BUT YOU DON'T KNOW ME...I might be 41 but I've still got a few surprises left in me...so you never know Oliver, I just might take you up on your challenge...to try something new...

And here I was thinking college was about as much as I could handle just now...LOL. Stay tuned people for the results of my "try something new" challenge.

So many things...so little time!!!

Some of you who sit with bated breath for my next exciting installment of "As Coolred Turns" must be rather blue in the face by now...sorry for the delay but without net in the house anymore its a rather hit and miss affair when I can be online. I get down here to the library when I can but lately its been hectic with a capital H and there just hasn't been much time. Sooooo....I will do another bullet type announcement sort of thing just to catch people up...for those of you who are interested....you can let that breath out now...and relax. LOL



1. Lets see...signed lease on 3 bedroom apartment today. Will move in tomorrow probably. Its not the Ritz but its a place to call home for now until our situation improves...and its improving day by day. We will be moving in with little more than our suitcases which, up till now, have remained unpacked. This apartment has huge closets....so lots of space to hang stuff. (note to self...buy lots of hangers)

2. Oldest daughter found job and son just got news that he got a new job which is much better than the Gamestop job he currently has. Better as in salary wise but, according to him, NOT better exciting wise. Sorry son, paying bills comes before any sort of excitement can be had. That's the law of the jungle. So we are doing OK income wise, OK but always needing improvement...lol. Got an apartment to furnish and seriously need transport.

3. As soon as I move into this apartment I will no longer have use of my friends car...which means my job that was just down the street is now on the other side of town...and I have no way to get to it. Bit of a problem there. Hmmm? The only solution is to ask boss if he will move me from the store location I'm at to the one nearer to my new apartment...that's just a short walk away..doable when you don't have a car. (note to self...catch boss in good mood)

4. Oh yeah...signed up for college. I'm soooo freakin cool. College freshman at 41. Haven't decided just yet what I will study...need to look over the list of possibilities...but journalism definitely gonna be in there somewhere. Need to boost my income potential so something that will help do that obviously...writing is for fun (would be nice if it paid as well but that's another story). First thing I'm going to do is buy me a t-shirt with my college name on it...woohoo!!!...never got to go to college as my father would not pay for it and I did miss that opportunity while in the military. Something Ive always regretted.

5. Kids are settling in nicely. Had school pics done. Something Bahrain never offered which I always missed. Lots of studio pics of course but school pics are nice reminders. My son the senior is helping prepare for grad night for seniors. That is definitely something Bahrain never offered. He is making lots of friends and that is important to me...I'm glad he feels he isn't alone...friend wise that is.

6. My son, the future basketball NBA star, is doing well on his basketball team. He made an awesome steal and full court run before dropping a left handed lay up in without a hitch. All you NBA scouts can start calling from now...

7. I bought a new mobile phone...something you didn't really need to know but I mentioned simply because it has the strangest set of ring tones Ive ever heard already in a phone. Wish you could hear them....makes you scratch your head and say hmmmm?

Anyhow, that's a bit of my update for the moment. For those of you leaving comments..sorry if I dont get back to them right away...hopefully we can get the net in the apartment ASAP now that we are signed up. One can only hope with my computer obsessed teens...and me. LOL

My Lord...whats with ALL the complications!!

We've been in the Land of the Free...Home of the Brave...Country of the Perpetual Paperwork...for just over 2 weeks now. Its been a busy busy time for us trying to get ourselves all sorted out and on track to a somewhat normal life. Its been hectic with a capital H!!!

I'm going to use this post to point out some differences I notice in general...and to either vent or praise something depending on the topic.

So, lets see. It SNOWED!!! full blown blizzard. Practically a white out. It was awesome...and freezing...but mostly awesome. My kids were amazed but were not about to go outside and experience it first hand. They viewed the white storm from the safety of the house and behind storm glass...lol. Wusses!! By the next day the sky was clear blue, the temps were "warm" (one day jackets and hats the next t shirts...lol) and there was beautiful snow on everything. The sticky kind too so much snowball throwing was had by all. Fun fun fun!!! I will let you know if my enthusiasm for all things snow remains further into the winter.

However, by the second day practically all the snow was gone and what was left behind...MUD!!! yuck!!! I haven't had the "pleasure" of walking in mud for quite sometime. Bahrain is sand really so the rain collects in the streets until it drains off into the sewers...not much mud in terms of that disgusting sucking messy gets into everything and makes your shoes a disaster kind of thing. Nope...didn't really miss that.

We are staying with one of my oldest friends...we met in the 3rd grade for a brief spell before meeting up again in the 7th grade and its gone on from there. I had planned to stay with her only long enough to find a place of our own...but with the theft of my wallet and a dent in my finances...that has been put on hold for now. So we are 11 people in a double wide trailer. So far its been ok. A flare up or two but not bad considering the number of young'uns running around. My kids are over the moon to be all together again...and they really love having this family like atmosphere since they haven't really had much of a family this past couple of years. It might not be so lovely in a few more weeks or something, tempers flare, privacy non existent, TP missing from the bathroom etc...but for now we will take it one day at a time until something comes along to change it.

In the process of starting our lives Ive been forced to do a MOUNTAIN of paperwork at every stop I make along the road. My Lord whats with having to put my name, address and SSN 3 or 4 times ON THE SAME APPLICATION?!!! Sheesh Ive got writers cramp doing that for the 6 of us over and over and over again. Because some of our SSN cards were in my wallet I had to send for new ones...took some time but not bad. I went and got my drivers license...I was fearing I would have to take ANOTHER test after just doing one in Texas last Dec, because my license was in my wallet, but she just let me apply for a new one with NO test. Whew!! lucky break. That written test is a b****h when it comes to maximum alcohol limits and prison terms and all that jazz. I can never keep those numbers straight...and really...considering I dont drink or drink AND drive...they dont interest me much. NOW when OTHERS drink and drive...that interest me.

On a side note...driving in Bahrain is truly a life and death experience EVERY FREAKIN TIME you leave your house. That no lie and NO exaggeration. So we can all be thankful that people drive crazy....but generally are NOT drinking as well...because one would have to assume the carnage already experienced on a daily basis would just be too much to bear.

Getting the 2 kids in school was a bit easier than I thought...at least for Ameena. She just started...no problems. Starting later meant she didn't get to be in some classes she wanted as they were full...but she was able to get in guitar class so that made her happy. I had to go BUY the guitar as they don't provide them but since my son Adam, the self taught and beautifully played guitar player, left his behind (the first one I bought him for his bday...sniff sniff) we needed another one in the house anyhow. Money well spent in my opinion. It makes them happy and is a better way of spending their time than other ways I can imagine.

On a side note, my friends son has an electric guitar so Adam got to try his hand on that. He loves it. He sounds very professional and Baaaaad Assssss or so Ive been informed. Obviously he has his heart set on getting one of those sometime soon...sorry son...get a job if you want one of those...they cost a penny or two.

Getting Zack in school was a bit more tedious. I brought his school record translated into English for the 10th and 11th grade. I did NOT know that the 9th grade was needed as well. So they wouldn't allow him into school until that transcript could be sent. Of course that took some time obtaining and so he sat home for a week while all that was straightened out. Turns out he took some of the harder senior classes already in Bahrain so he has quite a few easy classes..lol...so he shouldn't be too stressed this semester. He hit it off with the guidance councilor right away so I'm happy hes got someone to turn too. I was most worried about how Zack would settle in at school but so far he seems to be doing just fine.

It was funny though when I went to my old highschool and there were STILL staff there that were there when I went there. WTF!! Those teachers were surely OLD when I was there..at least they seemed to be...so what? Are they like 150 years old now? lol Obviously they werent old then but when your young EVERYONE seems old. Some of them remembered me too...and here I thought I was invisible in school...must have just been with other students for the most part...lol.

He spends equal amounts of time out here with the family, playing games or hanging out, or in his room alone. I don't mind cause I know he needs space to adjust and as long as he is balancing out the two phases then all is good. He spends time chatting with his Bahrain friends or playing piano (yes I was able to bring it thankfully) so he has his alone time to relax and center himself. I know he is the one who made the biggest sacrifice in terms of his mental preparations etc. I appreciate his willingness to give this a try and hes doing very well so far.

NOW...looking for a job has been harder than I thought. There are plenty of jobs around...help wanted all over and a decent amount in the papers...but actually APPLYING for jobs has certainly become complicated way beyond comprehension. Most applications are on-line and it can take up to 45 MINUTES to fill out!!! My Lord they ask everything under the sun and some questions from the far side of the moon as well. The funny questions are those in which they ask what you would do if you found money or would you rather work over time or be out with your friends. Tricky....lol. Do they want the truth or what WE know THEY want to hear? My daughter actually "failed" a few of those as she didn't understand the "rules" to applying and answering those sort of questions...ha ha. Poor her....she was honest...and failed to get a job because of it. WTF!!!

So the 3 of us, daughter son and myself, have spent 2 weeks applying ALL over the darn place and so far I'm the only one that finally got a job. Its one of those gas station/mini store type things but I'm fine with that. As long as I'm working I'm good....until something better comes along. I'm sure they will get something here soon...they just have to be more aggressive and not WAIT for opportunity to come to them.

I cant praise enough the driving standards here. So calm and relaxed when driving...I can actually look out the window at STUFF (scenery, houses etc) rather then just have my eyeballs peeled for tail gaiters, lane changers, speeders, and cars full of kids hanging out windows. I must admit I ha vent seen even one incident of that. You can only drive 20 mph (school zones) or 30 (residential) and 40 (main streets etc) through town...and people pretty much stick to that even though it takes AGES to get anywhere...lol. So civilized. lol (yes Bahrain IS THAT BAD)

ONE other thing I must mention just because of its interesting aspect. If your a man I suggest you brace yourself...the next bit is a bit personal (ok a lot personal). For the past year or more Ive suffered from a myriad of physical complaints...everything from extremely swollen feet and legs, constant headaches, knee pain and a monthly cycle that was almost non existent. I was actually starting to think menopause was fast approaching...because I hadn't had a "visit" in the past 2 months (either that or a new miracle prophet was about to be born...lol)...anyhow...call it a miracle but the swollen feet and legs ARE GONE. My shoes fit (or are loose depending), pant legs are definitely loose (yay), the only headache I got was from staring at the blindingly white snow and the knee pain is no more. Oh yes, cycle turned up and was everything a cycle should be...when I was much younger and "regular"...if you know what I mean.

Must mean something...lol. Im not too concerned about the WHY as much as the Thank God part of it.

So, that's about it for now. Let me know if you have any suggestions for starting fresh...from scratch and all. Im all ears.

btw a completely random note. Micheal Buble' is to die for. For anyone that hasn't listened to him sing...I suggest you drop what your doing and run out and buy whatever music of his you can (or check the net...lol). Dreamy looking and heavenly sounding. Right now I have his song Lost on repeat and Ive listened to it a gazillion times...wow!!!