Dream a Little Dream ...and Make it a Big Dream

This is the story that was printed in the newspaper...along with a second part after the "waiting begins". Hope you all like it. Tell me what you think. Don't worry, I can take it. I might add that originally the story was complete with the "waiting begins" part but the editor wanted a second part, or continuation, in order to have a follow up printing. Like a series I guess. Which means I had to rethink another ending beyond the first ending. Wasn't easy and I'm not sure the second ending really fits the story as a whole plus I wrote it about two years ago so the groove I was in at the time just isn't here now. At any rate, here it is. You all (if you are still here) might remember the first part of this story from few years ago. 

Dream a Little Dream
Lee Ann Fleetwood
As the last page slips into the tray she gathers the pile up, straightens them up, and lays them down on her desk. She sits awhile just looking at them and not thinking a whole lot about anything much. For the moment the "what if" game is being silent and her thoughts are wispy things that have no substance.

She reaches over and takes the single white envelope from the edge of the desk and writes an address on it and then her own. She picks up the papers and starts to slide them inside but hesitates. After a moment she sits back with the papers and once again begins to read what she has written though she has read it many times already. It has been a long time in coming making the journey from the darkest recesses of her mind to the white pristine papers in her printer.
As each word of each line skims across her vision her mind instantly plays out the scenes of her life; the good, the not so good, and the ones she wishes she could forget, but of course, that will never happen. Some things are with you forever.

She reaches the end and once again straightens the pages into an orderly pile and slips them into the waiting envelope. Along with the papers she inserts her hopes and dreams that within these pages her future lies. That the events of her life will finally have meaning because to believe it had none is more than she can bear.

She lays the envelope down while she dresses but can't help looking over now and then and realizes the power that is contained within those pages. The power to change her life the thought frightens her nearly as much as it sparks a bright light of hope within her heart.

She slips on her jacket and collects her keys then walks over and stands in front of her desk looking down. The sudden urge to just chuck the whole thing in the garbage can at her feet is so strong she realizes her hand is already reaching out to do just that before she can stop it. She snatches it back and takes a deep breath. A small pep talk was in order and she gives it and listens patiently to it before grabbing the envelope quickly and heads for the door.

As she sits in her car she tosses it carelessly into the passenger seat almost as an afterthought. If she dwells too long on its importance she feels she will lose herself in the enormity of what she is about to do and, of course, back out while she still can. Backing out is NOT an option. Just start the car and get moving.

Traffic is sufficient to require concentration but she still manages to steal a glance or two at the seat next to her. The closer she gets to her destination the harder her heart pounds until eventually she can hear neither the sounds of traffic nor the negative voice in her head that has been her constant companion these long lonely years.
She pulls up into the parking lot, snatches the envelope, and quickly enters the building as if the hounds of hell are on her heels. She can't help but glance over her shoulder just to make sure it IS just her imagination.

She arrives at the counter and thrusts the envelope that contains her life at the surprised employee. Almost instantly she starts to grab it back as if discovering her child in the arms of a stranger. She catches herself, steps back from the counter and plasters a smile on her face to put the cautious employee at ease, or so she hopes.

“Uhm, can I help you,” he asks?

“Yes, I would like to send that by registered mail,” she answers quickly. She is pretty sure she sounds normal, at least to her ears, though they are full of the sound of her beating heart.

“Ok. Fill out this paperwork and that will be $6.80 and it should be there by Thursday,” he says as he places a sticker on her life and sets it behind him on the outgoing mail shelf. She looks at it sitting there and can't help but imagine the little adventure it is about to embark on. Once again the analogy of a child comes to mind. Her child is venturing out into the world and she won't be there to keep it safe. Her heart not only pounds but squeezes too with pain and trepidation.

She quickly looks away before the tears that threaten start to fall. You would think she had just laid baby Moses in a basket preparing to push him off into the unknown waters the way she felt.

She fills out the paper work and pays the fee then turns to walk away. She can't help but look one more time at her hope for the future lying there so innocently on the shelf. Such power in that envelope, she is amazed there isn't some sign, almost biblical in nature that would indicate the essence of what those pages contain.

She gets back in her car and starts the engine. Buckles her seat belt then turns the radio on. Checks her mirrors before pulling out and heads for home and it is only then that she allows herself to dream a little dream.

And the waiting begins...

Once she reaches home the real waiting begins. Even though she is aware that it could be days, weeks, even months before her intense pangs of labor bear fruit, she cannot help but count every moment of that unknowable future. She will ignore for the moment the possibility that she will never hear a single word about the package containing her dreams for her future and that it could end its short unassuming life lying forgotten and collecting dust in some storage room somewhere. Hardly worth thinking about so has shut that train of thought down instantly whenever it rears its ugly head.  

She gets on with the business of living her life as best she can. Working a dead end job that does nothing to satisfy her desires but pays her bills, what more could one ask for? Days filled with numerous trips to her local bookstore and library to fill her restless need to live an exciting full filling life even if it’s vicariously through someone else’s version of it. She wakes in the morning and falls seamlessly, if not contentedly, into sleep every night having managed to not let her gaze rest too long on the passing days as noted by the kitty calendar hanging in her kitchen.

She keeps busy doing lots of seemingly important things mixed with utterly pointless things. Rinse and repeat, and the days pass. Then weeks pass and slowly weeks turn into months. Turning the page of the calendar from one month to the next has become a ritual that is accomplished with a deep cleansing sigh and a mental kick in the pants to not give up, not just yet. Patience got her through her childhood of fear filled days and terrifying nights and patience saw her through a very long marriage to a very unkind man. Patience was her best friend and soul companion when all others had walked away or simply forgotten she existed. Patience had not let her down so far and she was more than thankful for that small spark of optimism in her life.

If you asked her later about the day she received the call she had been waiting for all her life, a call that started its process of reaching out to her way back in her childhood when every step she took and every action for or against her lead her through her life for better or worse up to that very moment she was meant to answer an unrecognized number, she would say it was among one of the best and worst days of her life. A life filled with a great many worst days but very few best ones.

She was on the side of the road staring down at a flat tire, already very late for a work related meeting, Her dress, torn from a grasping needy edge on the car door and a newly minted speeding ticket tossed angrily onto the passenger seat were just the latest in a day full of “should of stayed in bed” moments. By the time she answered her mobile with an exasperated frustrated sigh hissed through clenched teeth, she was already mentally preparing herself to do battle with whatever new foe was bringing even more bad news; however, the proverbial straw for this particular camel’s back was not in her cards for today. Oh no, not today. Today that camel was about to lighten its straw filled load considerably if she had only known.

“Hello,” she nearly yelled into the phone.

“Hello,” replied a somewhat hesitant voice. “Is this Renee Miller?’

She realized she needed to calm down and not take her escalating bad mood out on the poor stranger who chose to call her at the worst possible moment. “Yes,” she replied in a calm even voice. “Who is this?”

“Hello, Mrs. Miller. This is William Conner calling from Blue Moon Publishing Company. I hope I didn’t catch you at a bad time?” he answered with no hesitation at all in his voice now.

At the exact moment that he uttered the words Blue Moon Publishing it would seem the world came to a sudden and quiet end for it simply ceased to exist for her. She heard nothing, saw nothing, was aware of absolutely nothing other than the crashing thundering sound of a heartbeat that appeared to have forgotten how to function like a heartbeat should. She opened her mouth to speak but nothing at all came out. She closed her mouth and continued to live in a world that no longer existed for a few more crashing thundering heartbeat filled moments.

“Yes,” she replied again but gone was the calm even voice. This yes was little more than a breath filled release.

He rapidly started speaking but she only heard the odd word here and there accompanied by an odd tapping in the back ground. Somewhere in her mind she pictured this unknown William Conner tapping a pen against the edge of his desk, possibly with his feet propped up somewhere along its smooth surface. Words that did manage to pierce her fog filled mind included, “wonderfully written “emotionally powerful”, and “best seller”. Those two words evaporated the fog instantly and the world came crashing back into focus.

“What did you just say? Could you repeat that please?” she asked with a voice full of fear, incomprehension, and yes, hope. Hope that she hadn’t just miss heard him in the absolutely worst way possible and that this small flame of hope was going to quickly be stamped out before the much needed oxygen of life was breathed into it.  She pressed the phone painfully against her ear to drown out every other sound, including her own still thundering heartbeat. “Could you repeat that please,” she asked with as calm a voice as she could muster.

“No problem. I said that we received your manuscript and we are very excited about it. We at Blue Moon don’t usually say this to potential clients on the phone during a first contact call but Mrs. Miller, you just may have a best seller on your hands,” he answered with a touch of laughter in his voice. “We would very much like you to meet with us and discuss the publishing of your book.”+

“Really? You want to meet with me?” she asked tremulously. Not daring to believe that her dream was about to become reality. Possibly. Maybe.  “About publishing my book?”

“Why do you sound so surprised?” he asked. “It’s a beautifully written book, at least the chapters we have are so let’s assume the rest will follow suit. Could you come see me next Monday at our offices at 9:00 a.m...? Will that be fine?”

“Yes,” she nearly shouted once again but this time from within a bubble of exploding happiness. “Yes, that would be perfect.” Was it possible that all the pain she had suffered in her life, the loneliness and oceans of tears, the dark days that accumulated into dark years occasionally brightened with lightning strikes of happiness was about to finally mean something beyond she just had been dealt a bad hand? Were the hours and days and months spent pouring her grief and pain into her computer while keeping a box of tissues nearby that constantly needed replacing at last going to MEAN something beyond her life just sucked? She was beginning to think maybe it did. If it meant nothing more than her story might affect others in some way that benefited them to some degree than her life did mean something, at least to her, and that was a feeling she had needed to know all her life. The smile beginning on her face felt strange and out of place but also very good.

“Great,” he said. Monday at 9:00 it is. See you then.” He hung up and several moments passed before she closed her phone as well. The flat tire, the torn dress, the late appointment all seemed to fade away as she contemplated Monday at 9:00 a.m. and the impossible possibilities. Several cars passed by and the amused drivers were treated to the vision of a woman in her 40’s with long red hair in a blue flowery dress twirling happily with arms stretched out and her face raised up to the sun. A very odd reaction indeed for someone with a flat tire who looked like she needed to be somewhere important.

Is it a coincidence or what?

I currently have a house full of teenage boys staying for a few days. These are friends my family have grown up with and everyone has remained great pals since they were all toddlers.


I was talking with them earlier and realized that all of these boys (except the one in the red shorts) has a Bahraini father and a foreign mother. The mothers range far and wide in the countries they hail from....USA, Ireland, Finland, Columbia plus the girls (some sisters to these and others) that use to hang out in my house when my daughters were here have mothers that come from such places as Philippines, Peru, England and Canada.


We are a mixed bunch with different lives and different backgrounds all up to one point in time...the point in which we all came to Bahrain newly married to our Bahraini husbands. (ok some were married before they came here but you get the point).


Everyone of of these children (mine included as well as the girls not shown) come from torn families and abusive fathers. All of them. Not one of these children has a father that is not abusive to either them or their mother (some very abusive), or a father that was either secretly married already or secretly married at some point in his marriage to their mother. These fathers have cheated on their wives, abused them, held them hostage in marriages the women did not want to be in but could not get out of due to child custody and divorce laws. These fathers have made these children miserable and unable to trust for the most part...except their own mothers and each other.


There is something else I find interesting, if not sad, when it comes to these children...and so many others like them that have Arab fathers. While the marriage is still legal the father will rant and rave at his wife that these are HIS children. They will remain his children and no law or govt will change that. He will keep her tied up and bound by her love for her children and most of the time he is well aware that she will not leave without them...and uses that to his advantage. His children are HIS children...end of story. Heres the funny thing though, for those few women that actually manage to gain custody of their children and obtain a divorce....suddenly the very same fathers that fought back so ardently....the same father that laid claim to HIS children and vowed they would never know another father or life without him etc...are suddenly nowhere to be found..so much so that now the mothers have to fight in courts to get even the smallest amount of child support for these same children HE couldnt or wouldnt give up before the divorce...such hypocrisy...such dismal failures as men...as husbands...as fathers.

They have all been virtually abandoned by these same fathers that made their lives a living hell by abusing their mothers...sometimes them as well and demanded the marriage stay intact if the mother wanted to remain with her children...these very same fathers quickly jumped ship when custody was given to the mother and now most of them cant be found or make rare appearances...either to create more drama in the household or apparently overcome with the urge to play Daddy for a moment.

People tell me I generalize Bahraini men too much...that not ALL of them are abusive and controlling and use their children to keep reluctant wives hostage. Well, from my personal experience and from the lives I see around me I cant help but assume that...I can only form opinions of the men I come into contact with and so far...most of the Bahraini men I personally know are incredibly bad examples put forth for the Bahraini nationality as a whole.


Of course not all Bahraini men are like that...thank God all of them are not like that...I do know a couple that have wonderful qualities and are admirable fathers and husbands...unfortunately none of those men are the fathers of any of these children.

Most of the mothers I know that have previously been married are adamant they will never marry again...at least that is how they feel after coming out of a battle that took much of their lives (in years) and occasionally blood was shed, bones were broken. Hearts are not easily mended and trust is a hard commodity to hand out when it has been crushed so thoroughly by one entrusted with it. These mothers might very well stay single for the remainder of their lives...which means these children will likely never know a true father figure they can learn from. A father figure that will teach them that NOT all Bahraini men are like the ones they suffered from. Step fathers in this society are hardly ever given the chance to become father figures....generally speaking the children already have fathers, such as they are, so step fathers as almost an unknown concept here.

I personally cannot imagine myself marrying again simply because my entire life has been subject to the whims of abusive controlling men...needless to say Im somewhat hesitant and extremely wary of coming up unlucky for a third time in my life...better to remain single and focus on my children having a better quality of life then they previously enjoyed. Most of the mothers I have known have had similar thoughts.

My children have no men in their lives for the most part. Brothers of my best friend occasionally make an appearance as well as one of her cousins of whom I wrote a post about before as being one of the BEST Muslim men I have ever known hands down. He is a wonderful caring man...but he has his family, his children. Even though he helps us a great deal...he has a busy life and doesnt spend more than a passing moment with us as he's coming and going...there is also the one man who reached out a generous and caring hand for my daughter of who I mentioned in a previous post as well. Both of those men are exemplary and the women in their lives are definitely lucky to have found them.

As much as I shy away from the idea of a man in MY life....I do wish they had one in theirs. A man that would show my boys what it means to be a real man. A man that would show them how to treat women with respect and honor...and man that would show them how to love and protect without letting jealousy and suspicion rule their lives. I wish there was a man in my daughters lives that would teach them that men are not only for abusing and controlling. That men are not only for criticism and judgement...for name calling and slandering. I wish there was a man in their lives to teach them that men are essentially good...they were just very unlucky in the drama that is life.

Thats one of the reasons I dont care much for segregation because due to segregation in this country my daughters cant just "hang out" with a man they arent related to. There really is no way to allow them to learn that not all men are like what they are use to. In their futures the only men they will be able to learn from will be their potential future husbands...and possibly father in laws...maybe brother in laws...but in this country even that might not give them what they need as far as a true father figure of leadership...and of course by the time they are married to these men...chances are they might realize then that they once again fell into the hands of a less then honorable man.

I know this all sounds confusing and scattered but I really didnt give this post much thought from the time I had all the kids together for the pic and sat at the laptop to write it. I just felt the need to get something down. I may revise it in even after I hit publish.

So much pain in the minds of the children in that pic...as well as the ones not shown. Makes you sad to know that it didnt have to be like that.

Playing the What If game

There are many events that occur in our childhoods that can change who we are...or who we were meant to be. A good kid with a promising future can suddenly be thrown down a new road just by hanging out one night with a new chum that takes him to a drug buy. Promises of "you cant get hooked the first time" are famous last words...no? Or how about that valedictorian that believes her boyfriend when he maps out their whole future and promises of "happy ever after" ring in her ear...she will go to college and he will support her and life will be wonderful...until she turns up pregnant...and boyfriend runs for the hills. Its those "little things" that trip us up...set us on a new course that was never figured into the Big Plan that is our life. Quite often its meeting a certain someone...a new face in your life that appears to be a good thing but in reality should be accompanied with sinister back ground music and red flags all over the damn place...but most of the time we dont see the danger coming...we ignore the flags...and forever after that we are destined to spend a good portion of our severely altered lives wondering ....what if?

I was just watching a movie called The Butterfly Effect in which a man has figured out a way to go back in time and change events that happened in his childhood in order to change the tragic way things eventually turned out in his and his friends lives. However, he discovers that changing one thing in order to prevent some tragedy from happening etc only sets off a new set of circumstances that allow another sort of tragedy to happen. He tries again and again with varying results...none of them good...each time he or his friends are effected by the new outcome in a psychological or physical way. Eventually his only solution to prevent any sort of tragedy to all concerned was to never meet his friends in the first place..to never be friends with them and thus no event could ever occur that would result in tragedy. So he goes back one last time...and prevents that friendship from blooming....desperate act by a desperate man that loved his friends enough to sacrifice his future friendship with them.

Problem with altering his childhood so that he never met his friends thus preventing tragedy...he also prevented himself from meeting the future love of his life. One of his friends would eventually be his girlfriend whom he would love more than anything and she and the other friend would change his life for the better in many profound ways...as well as eventually leading to tragedy. And so...because he loved her so much...he gave up the opportunity of ever meeting her...of having her in his life...of loving her ...just to protect her and prevent tragedy coming to her. Love is such a kick ass emotion!!!

Of course once the credits started rolling...so did my mind....what if?

I spent the better part of the night playing the What If game...all I can tell you is...no matter how hard you try...when tragedy is written it seems that you cant escape it....except by one way...to never meet the person that causes the tragedy to occur. Well that would be fine and dandy...not ever meeting up with that disgusting monster would have been icing on my cake...I had a life, I had plans that didnt include a future abusive controlling incestuous husband/father...

Only one problem with that scenario...if I didnt meet him...then I wouldnt have the love of 5 beautiful children in my life.

Damn!!! you just cant win this game can you?

I wish I didnt know now...what I didnt know then

2 years 4 months and 13 days ago I thought my husband (now ex) of 20 years was just a miserable controlling jerk that lived off of my constant sorrow and depression. I knew his level of hypocrisy was seemingly immeasurable and unknown...he constantly surprised me on a daily basis as to what new low he could sink too....but I preferred to desperately believe there was a point into which he couldnt go any lower. In other words...I gave him the benefit of the doubt...even when my heart was crushed...even when my mind was in turmoil...even when my soul was bereft and on the verge of hopelessness ...I continued to have hope that eventually he would bottom out and the only way to go was up. All the fool me for assuming that every human being on the planet has some redeeming qualities...its just a little harder to see in some people than others.

Now heres the strange thing...the part that doesnt add up, at least in my mind. The two personalities that lived within one body. There was the controlling abusive hypocritical Muslim wannabe on one hand and the often funny hard working (when he chose to work) get us whatever we wanted, take care of us when we were sick good with the kids father/husband on the other.

Oh yeah, then there was the pedophile rapist...so I guess that makes 3 personalities in one body. The first 2 I lived with on a daily basis...never knew from moment to moment which one was going to make a showing and either let me relax for 5 minutes...or get me all worked up frustrated and angry again. The third personality...well...I never knew it existed. Didnt have a clue. I have retraced 20 years of marriage. I have gone over memories with a fine tooth comb...looked for hints, clues, flashing neon signs...anything that would make this soul crushing guilt Ive been feeling since my daughter whispered those two little words 2 years 4 months and 13 days ago....alleviate it in some small way....but...nothing.

Hindsight is 20/20 as they say. We look back and smack our foreheads and berate ourselves for what we didnt see then but is so goddamn obvious now...our ability to remain blind while surrounded by facts...but as they say...sometimes you have to step back to see the big picture. So I step back...again and again...every time I close my eyes I step back...and I search, I probe, I rehash and re account every little detail of this marriage from the time my first child...my first born...my first daughter was brought into this world. I search desperately looking for the exact moment in time when that man, my husband, her father, made the horrific and disgusting decision to take from his daughter what he had no right to take. I tear apart every moment of interaction between them looking for that sign...that little clue that all was not right between them. I listen to my daughters voices (I have two daughters and yes...both were victims) and try and hear cries for help...I try and pick out phrases and clues that were calling me...trying to get me to open my eyes and SEE....to open my ears and HEAR...but apparently I was so self involved with my own miseries that I couldnt hear my childrens silent pleas for rescue...and for that the guilt rages on. I was firmly convinced that he was a jerk as a husband...but a fairly decent father..the thought that he could possibly sink so low as to do what most animals in the animal kingdom dont even engage in was something that never even snuck in the backdoor of my mind...I guess you had to be there...sigh.

People who hear of such things (barely able to utter the word incest much less acknowledge it in this part of the world) always ask two things...what was I doing when this was happening....and why didnt the girls say something sooner. So in one fell swoop blame is placed on us...I wasnt being a good mother and they were accomplices rather than victims in this heinous crime. Its enough that I blame myself...I dont need all and sundry to chime in too...but the fact that my daughters are meant to share the blame for and seen as co conspirators in this crime against them has to be viewed as raping them all over again. They are being violated over and over again...their bodies gone over with a probing tongues...every minute part of their behavior scrutinized and picked apart...from what they wore to how they spoke when in the company of their father. It matters little that they were toddlers when he started his "special relationship" (his words, not mine) with them and that by the time they were old enough to "know better" his behavior had become "normal"...the sort of thing that daddies that "really love their daughters in a special way" do to show it. In other words, it was as "natural" a daddy behavior as say...taking them to the doctor when their sick...or buying them new shoes etc when they need them...it was his way of "loving" them and being a "good" daddy.

Only a victim of incest, of pedophilia can know the depths of the psychological reconstruction that goes on from day one...the total mind altering choreography that turns a normal daddy/daughter relationship into something dark and secretive...nobody knows the constant guilt and tennis game that goes on in a childs mind...he is my daddy...I love him....he is my daddy...I wish he would die. I know....Ive been there.

Sometimes I lay there and try and blank my mind...try and erase these disgusting heinous "videos" that replay over and over again from my memories...I try and "go back" to a time when I didnt know how truly low he could go....just an asshole...but believing there were hidden redeeming qualities in there somewhere....but I cant...once we know or learn something...we cant unlearn it.

I learned my husband of 20 years was a incestuous pedophile...and that you can never go back and wish that "you didnt know now what you didnt know then."

Of course...if I didnt know...if I had never found out...my children would no doubt still be suffering from it...so should I focus on the silver lining or what?

Its getting crowded "under the carpet"!!

This article was written on my behalf by a friend of mine who writes for one of the local newspapers..it will hopefully be printed tomorrow. For those that cant read Arabic...its a condensed version of my life these past 23 years...more or less.

We shall see if its accepted as we all know that this subject generally gets brushed under the carpet. One can only hope the Powers That Be at her newspaper arent just such people. Wish me luck!!!

في يــد الشيطان
كثُرت هذه الأيام شياطين الانس، التي تنقض على لحمها بدل أن تحميه وتصونه، ومناسبة الحديث هذه القصة التي سألقيها عليكم، لإحدى النساء الأجنبيات التي قدمت الى البحرين بأحلام وردية انقلبت الى كوابيس ليلية.
اذ ان زوج هذه المرأة البحريني جلبها من بلدتها، لتواجه مصيرها المرير في مملكتنا البحرين، حيث انه لم يستطع أن يخفي شخصيته المتناقضة، ففي النهار هو ذلك الرجل المتدين والملتحي، والذي ينتقد كل شيء سواء حلال أم حرام، وفي الليل هو ذلك المنافق الأفّاق الذي لا يصون حرمة بيته.
وفوق هذا كله اكتشفت زوجته بعد زواج دام عشرون عاما، بأنه يعتدي على عرض بناته، وينتهك حرمته، ولم يَخف من الله العالم بالسرائر، وان بناتها في يد الشيطان –والدهم -.
أي قلب هذا يستطيع ايذاء أطفال أبرياء، فما بالكم بوالد يلمس أطفاله كل ليله ويعتدي عليهم، أي والد هذا الذي يربي القيم في النهار، ويقفز الى أسرّة بناته في الليل.
ان هذا الشيطان مارس الجنس مع بناته لمدة عشرون عاما، وعندما كشفته زوجته أخذ يطلق الشائعات تلو الشائعات عليها، ولم يكتفِ عند هذا الحد بل قام باطلاق الشائعات عن أبنائه وبناته، حتى يهرب من المصيبة التي قام بها داخل بيته.
لم تقم باقامة الشكوى عليه، بل سوّت الموضوع مع محامٍ دلّتها عليه احدى صديقاتها. فهي لم تقدّمه للمحاكمة ظنا منها بأن الحكم سيكون 3 سنوات أو أقل كما تقرأ في الجرائد، ولاعتمادها على ما يقدّمه هذا المعتدي من مبلغ بسيط تعيّش به هي وأطفالها!
خرجت هذه الأجنبية "بملاليم "، لتعول أطفالها وتساعدهم في هذه المحنة التي أوقعهم فيها والدهم، فأطفال سِفاح المحارم والتحرش الجنسي، يكونون طبيعيون من الخارج، الا ان الضرر الداخلي لا ينتهي الا بموتهم، لصعوبة نسيان الاساءة التي تعرضوا لها خاصة اذا كان المعتدي هو الوالد المصون.
أخرجت الأم بناتها من الديار لعدم تحمّلهم كلام الناس، ورجعت الى أولادها في البحرين، وعندها قام هذا الشيطان بقطع المعونة عنها وعن أبنائها، مع العلم بأنها كانت معتمدة عليها!
ان هؤلاء الأطفال المساكين على رغم الظروف الصعبة، لم يتجهوا الى الخراب، بل اتّجهوا الى النجاح في الدراسة وتحقيق ما تمنّته الأم، حتى ان أكبر أبنائها كان إماما وحافظا للقرآن، وبسبب المصيبة توقّف عن امامة الناس ومواجهتهم.
وبعض الناس بالطبع لا ترحم، فهذا يتكلم وذاك يحقد ولا يدرون بأن من يُعطي يُعطيه الله، كما قال الله في حديثه القدسي: " يا ابن آدم أنفق أُنفق عليك"، حتى ان احدى الجمعيات المتأسلمة أوقفت "الكوبون " الخاص بشراء أغراض البيت، فالأم الآن لا تعمل وليس عندها من يعولها.
فمن يستطيع أن يرحم هذه المسكينة وأطفالها بعد الله سبحانه وتعالى، ويبادر في مد يد العون لها ولأسرتها المُحطّمة، خاصة واننا في يوم الجمعة الذي يُقبل فيها الدعاء.
ضحّت هذه الأجنبية بحياتها كلها لتربية أبنائها البحرينيون، فهل تقف البحرين معها اليوم؟

Story so far...

Hey everyone that happens to stop by and read this...I have a book of sorts...a story so to speak...to tell that's been bouncing around in my head for quite a few years now. I decided I needed to start writing it down before it sent me round the bend in more ways then one. This is my first chapter of my first attempt...just want a little feed back. Its not autobiographical...but some things in it are very real to me...so maybe its considered semi autobiographical.

Anyhow, for those who care, this is not a book to teach anyone about Islam or Muslims etc...its just a story that needs releasing from my head...plain and simple.

Also I apologize for the language...but its a story about real life...and real life has colorful language...whether we like it or not. Waiting to hear from you....

*edited and new content written


BUTTERFLIES IN MOTION


It seems she had been alone most of her life. She couldn't remember a time when she had anything other than her own mind to occupy her with. Don’t get me wrong here…she spent time with other people…called them friends and all, but she didn’t feel comfortable in their presence as much as she did within the confines of her own mind. The one place she was free from all of life’s restrictions. In her mind she could be anything, go anywhere, say whatever she wanted too, and best of all BELIEVE whatever belief felt right within her. She was 37 years old when much of what she believed about herself to be true…was proven to be wrong. It was the worst and best year of her life.

The morning of the day that she met the one person that was to become the “love of her life” started out much like the hundreds or thousands that had gone before it. She woke for fajr prayer with anticipation of facing her Lord. Her first thoughts upon waking were the same as every day...wishing she had miraculously lost some weight while sleeping...and wondering if THIS day held any promise of something different then yesterday. She tried to rouse her husband but he was far too interested in whatever dreams passed within his mind to care much for prayer. He turned over while muttering he would be up in a minute…and was snoring again within seconds. She resigned herself to the fact that he would never care as much for prayer as she did. To each his own. If she had cared, at this point in her marriage, for the soul of her husband she might have been more persistent. As it was she could only quietly revel in the thought that he would burn some day for all these prayers missed. She wondered if it was a sin to take quiet delight in the thought of her husband burning in the Hell Fire. She asked God to forgive her for such thoughts…just in case.

She performed her ablutions and waited patiently for the adhan to sound, passing the time reading the Quran. She had always loved the early morning hours while she waited for prayer…the quiet and solitude sat easy with her. She felt nearest to God at this time and the Quran seemed more welcoming and easy to grasp without distractions and life getting in the way. She generally read a few pages and reflected on what they meant to her. It always surprised her how whatever ayat she was currently reading corresponded with some thought she may have had recently…or some problem she needed advice for. It was like The Book spoke to her on some level…anticipating her spiritual needs…and responding to them. Thank You God for listening to me, she thought.

Once the prayers were finished she might consider going back to bed, but the possibility that her husband might awaken and demand sex from her generally kept her from crawling back into the warmth of the covers; the days had long since passed when she felt even a glimmer of attraction to the once charming handsome man she had met years ago. So rather then risk his waking she settled on the couch and turned on the TV. Most of the time she didn’t really focus on the images on the TV. but instead dwelt on scenes that rewound themselves constantly within her own mind. Playing the “What If” game kept her constantly busy no matter what else she might be doing. It agonized her to play this game as the result was never satisfying. No amount of playing and “re-ordering” her life actually changed anything. It just caused more frustration and agony to know she could’a, would’a, should’a done things differently to avoid the life she was now in. She had no one to blame but herself…

With a quick look at the clock and a sighful resignation of her lot in life, she heaved herself up from the couch (as usual promising herself to start that diet tomorrow) and set about starting breakfast and getting the children up for school. Her children were the bright moments in her life. All her “failures” could not even come close to measuring up to her accomplishments…her children. They were her pride and the one thing that made this life she was living possible. Without them to love and care for she believes she would have given up and given in long ago. Each new step she took in her daily struggles she took for them. Each verbal abuse hurled from the bitter lips of her husband was heard and swallowed and dropped down into the pit of never ending sorrow. The depression that threatened to swallow her whole…was only kept at bay by one thought…"my children need me"....followed quickly by another..."I need them". And so, each new step was taken, each new abuse swallowed, and each tear that fell was quickly wiped away…what was the use of tears anyhow, they didn’t change a thing. She sent up a solemn prayer to God to grant her more patience…and to help with the self pity…who needed it anyway?

When the children were nearly ready to go she would go and wake her husband. Sometimes he drove them to school, other times he just wanted to make sure they were what he considered “properly equipped” for the day. Boys with their backs straight with pride, the girls with heads covered with the hijab. Pride for boys and hijab for girls were apparently the only two things to measure a Muslim with by his standards. It always quietly amused her and made her proud when her younger daughter rebelled against the hijab (she herself had often thought of just flinging it into the wind and defiantly walking in the street without it...but fear of judgment kept it firmly on her head)…and many times got out the door without it, conveniently forgetting it at the last moment. Other times she would remove it out in the street as soon as she was around the corner. She had many fashion statements to make when it came to her clothes…but the hijab was not one of them. Go girl! She wished she was as strong minded and independent as her teenage daughter. What can you do?…life was for the young. (37 was not old but in her mind...life was all but over regardless of how "young" she was)

She hated closing the door as her last child left for school. It meant that she was now alone with her husband and her dread at what this most assuredly meant was like a rock in her stomach. She could no longer stomach the idea of lying on her back and spreading her legs for his idea of sex. His touch alone sent shivers of repulsion up and down her spine. When she seen that glimmer of lust in his eyes…it was all she could do not to scream and lock herself in the bathroom…or better yet…run into the streets like a crazy woman. Instead she would once again quietly resign herself to life and come when he called. Removing her clothes and positioning her body in whatever sexual manner he demanded of her. She was like a mindless object for his dark desires. He never asked her what she wanted, what she liked or didn’t like, whether what he was doing hurt or not. Usually it did hurt, if not her body then definitely her pride, her soul. She could only lay there and pray that he finished quickly and was thankful when he did. Other times he seemed intent on a marathon of sex...and the never ceasing pounding and grunting nearly sent her off the deep end. She wondered what he hoped to achieve with the hour long sex...its not like someone was standing by keeping score or giving marks for enthusiasm and creativity. If credit was to be given for whatever reason...for sure she deserved the accolades just for her ability to endure such bodily assault again and again....and not even a tender kiss or caress to make the enduring bearable. Only bruises on her body and on her soul as a testament to the "love making" that had transpired.

Eventually he would roll off and strut to the bathroom to shower as if his ability and agility at sex was a thing to boast of. His concerns for his wife only extending to whether his breakfast was on the way or not and to maybe throw a comment back at her that she needed to lose some weight. Oh God! Where is that patience she was asking for earlier? It occurred to her many times that she could happily poison his morning coffee…if poison were at hand. The fact that she contemplated murder on an almost daily basis, if not hourly, no longer shocked her as it once did. God was forgiving for her errant thoughts. It’s not like she would ever actually kill him. (a thought best left unexplored)

As soon as he was out the door she shrugged off her resentment, her anger, her anxieties, like she might shrug off her clothing…leaving them all piled messily by the door…to be picked up and hastily donned once again as the hour drew near for his return all though at times he would sneak back home without warning, as if to catch her up to something. Catch her doing what she never knew…as he knew better than her that she had no life. Cleaning, watching TV. reading and dreaming of murder were about all that kept her busy. (that and her prayers...she could do without the rest and would give them up in a heartbeat if needed but not her prayers) If he expected to find her wrapped up in the lusty arms of a sweaty lover in their marriage bed…then he would surely have to wait a very long time. She had one male in her life that was causing her enough misery…only a fool would go looking for double the trouble. The most he might catch her doing was scrubbing the bathroom floors or hanging laundry. No whoreish behavior here…just move along.

Often times these surprise visits meant only one thing…more sex. Surely there could be no other man on the planet that spent as much time thinking about, anticipating, and participating in the act of sex as her husband. It scarcely allowed him time for other things…such as a job or getting things done that needed doing…in her opinion. (she had long since lost count of the number of jobs he had "quit" or "lost" because management didnt see eye to eye with him...or some such excuse. He hated being told what to do ...plain and simple). How could someone so consumed about sex, so engrossed with the perfection of his own dick, so demanding of her body…wanting to stick his manhood into any hole that would accommodate him regardless of the pain it caused…how could he lead a normal life…when a normal life seemed so far outside his thought process. Sex sex sex…and then food, shelter, paying bills etc. She loathed him each time he grabbed his bulge and indicated with a quick nod of his head that she was to assume the position once again. God! God! God! she realized the humans were made in Gods image…did this mean God had a penis as well since generally God was referred to as “Him”, “He” in all religious discourse? Did God walk around grabbing His bulge while contemplating in what new position He would fuck humanity? She quietly asked God to forgive her for assuming God had human qualities.

Of course these midday visits meant that she could never really relax when he was gone…since the likelihood of his showing up at anytime was possible. It seemed his only desire in life, other than to fuck her as often as the thought crossed his mind, was to catch her doing something he considered “haram”. His ideas of what was and wasn’t haram didn’t even come close to what many Muslims followed, but her life revolved around avoiding his haram as much as possible. The arguments and punishments that followed when she was caught “transgressing” just wasn’t worth it. He made her feel like such a criminal with his accusations and abuse. A quick trip to the corner store for sugar was, according to him, an opportunity to flirt and make future appointments with potential lovers. If only he knew how ridiculous he sounded. She didn’t even like the act of sex, hated to even submit herself to it, would be quite happy to go the remainder of her life without ever once again spreading her legs…or the cheeks of her ass (no amount of arguing and pointing out that anal sex was haram to him had any affect...he always claimed later that he "didnt mean to")…or opening her reluctant mouth, for another man…she laughed quietly inside when he ranted on about such things. Men are so stupid when it comes to women. God! Please make him shut up!

Often times when she realized she needed to make a trip outside for something she would first call him on the phone just to see where he was, what he was doing, to gauge how long she had before he could realistically reach home. If he indicated he was far enough away, she would quickly don her much hated hijab and duffa and quickly dash to the store and back again…looking over her shoulder the whole way. Her heart beating fast and silent prayers to God to not let him come home and catch her in the street somewhere. Of course, he sometimes played the game too…indicating he was far away but really just down the road. This little two step they did, her trying to “commit her crime” of leaving the house and his trying to catch her at it, was a daily tango they did. Sometimes she won, sometimes he did…usually he did.

For the most part she stayed inside the house. It just wasn’t worth the hour long lecture and tuition on Islam and how to be a good wife and mother when she was caught out. She had better things to do with her time then listen to his sanctimonious drivel about what entailed a “good” Muslim. She would sit there patiently waiting him out, waiting for him to tire of hearing his own voice, quietly thinking her own thoughts. (in the past she would cry, apologize and "try harder" to please him...now days she couldnt muster up the emotion necessary to cry and to try harder hadnt crossed her mind in a very long time) She often wondered if he actually believed any of the things he “taught” her…since he hardly practiced any of them himself. God…why did You create hypocrisy in humans?…why did you give us the ability to sound so pompous in the face of facts? Fact one…her husband was a horrible Muslim and a not much better man. Fact two…he apparently was completely unaware of this fact and felt it was within his rights to “teach” her in areas that he himself could use some tuition in. Yadda yadda yadda…blah blah blah…if he was going to fuck her she wished he would just do it and go…without the never ending lecture thrown in just to add insult to injury. She would sit there nodding her head…looking contrite…”learning” her lessons…all the while sending sneaky peeks at the clock wishing the time for the kids to arrive would hurry up and get here. God? Why does the time move so slow when we are caught in other peoples headlights?

On the days that he actually stayed away at work, or wherever it was he spent his time, she enjoyed the peace and quiet and spent time reading. Her passion was reading anything and everything and every opportunity to read was never passed up. It was with a quiet inner pride that she remembered her school days...graduating on the honor roll...teachers writing wonderful things in her year book...lauding her potential as a writer...praising her abilities and looking forward to her "first book".

She sighed while thinking of the promise of her youth. Where did all that fire and passion for writing disappear too? Her thirst for the written word had not diminished...but her desire to write things down had over the years. She thought about the journal she use to keep...had kept it for over 10 years. Just day to day thoughts...anecdotes about the children...and the occasional rant and lament about HIM and his tirades and unjust treatment of her. She never told anyone of his abuse of her...but it helped immensely to express her anger and anguish on to the page...the cathartic release was probably the only thing that kept her from killing herself (or him)during all those years of insufferable abuse. God forgive her for thinking thoughts of suicide (and murder). Its not like she would actually do it.

She remembered exactly why she suddenly stopped writing...in an instant the choice was made and 10 years worth of journals was angrily and hastily dumped into the dustbins outside. Years later of course she regretted that rash decision...missing her written memories almost more then friends and family she rarely saw anymore. Of course HE was the reason for her decision to stop writing. She never hid her journals...they were right there in the open for anyone to read...the only one who read them was her husband. She might wake in the night in need of the bathroom and notice her latest journal was not beside the bed on the table. When she returned it would be there. She often wondered what he did in his "office" all night...well she knew at least one thing he did...read her journals. What he hoped to find in them (for she knew without question he was hoping to "catch" her in her writing just as he caught her in the street sometimes) puzzled her as what little life she had held no mystery. She wondered if he actually thought she was stupid enough to write down the fact that she had a lover...had a hot and steamy liaison with him that day...might describe all the incredible sex they had...and then have the nerve to keep the journal beside the bed and not under lock and key (if she actually had a lock and key...nothing was locked against him in this house...all though he sure kept his office locked up tight) He pretended he didnt read it but she might sometimes play a little trick on him and insert some dubious sentence here and there...something that might sound as if she had did something but what that something was was unclear. For instance she had been out to the shops once and while returning she had noticed the neighborhood mentally retarded man sitting on the bench in front of the mosque. A second look confirmed what the first look had indicated...he was masturbating...and in full view of all the people passing by. Apparently nobody noticed...or cared enough to stop him as he continued on without disturbance. She blushed and quickly passed by...but that night she wrote in her journal..."I saw "carrot" while outside today." That was it...that was all she wrote on that subject...but a few days later her husband asked her (quite out of the blue) who Carrot was. She feigned ignorance but inside she was giggling...knowing full well why he had asked. God forgive her for making such a fool of him...but he certainly made it easy.

Eventually his determination to find fault with her writing...demanding to know what each sentence meant...what were the "hidden meanings" to this and that...did she actually plan on writing a book someday and making him look bad to his friends and family...was that her intention? Didnt she realize as a Muslim she shouldnt be wasting her time on such useless things? He never let up...and so she just quit. Without much thought or fanfare. All the journals into the garbage...and the only writing she did was now all in her head. At least he couldnt snoop in there.

Arent they both Muslim though?

A friend of mine has just had a "scandal" hit her family. This scandal has caused much anger...tears....and division between members of the same family. What is this scandal that has got everyone up in arms ready to abandon someone they are supposed to love? Well, simple really, one of the female members of the family has fallen in love...bad I know...love is such a horrible emotion...makes us do some unusual things...things we might never think twice about doing during our more rational moments. Actually, this young lady falling in love is not what has everyone so heated up and ready to riot....she is a from a Sunni family....the one her heart has been captured by is from a Shiite family...a modern day Romeo and Juliet...but with an Arab twist.

Anyone that knows anything about Sunnis and Shiites will appreciate the ramifications this revelation has caused to both families concerned...a death in the family couldnt have affected them more I dont believe. Long story short...Sunni girl and Shiite boy have loved each other for 5 years...secretly. Both were terrified to tell family members knowing exactly what the reaction would be...but love is what it is...and rarely do we abandon it just because it isnt with the "right" person. Eventually tho...fear gave way to a determination to either get married with everyones blessing...or get married and go it alone...which is basically what it boiled down to. His family are refusing to talk to him...many of her family have abandoned her. All of this hate and anger for what...cause he is Shiite and she is Sunni...arent they both Muslim tho?

I have lived here for over 20 years and I have heard Sunnis and Shiites refer to each other as if beings from opposing planets...hateful and angry words spit out between clenched teeth....wishes of death and destruction to each sect a constant lament. How dare these two young lovers try and change what apparently is encoded in the genes of Sunni and Shiites alike...equal hate towards the other and definitely no mingling. Arent they both Muslim tho?

I am constantly amazed at this life long animosity felt between these two sects of Islam...so much anger and resentment and claims that the other is not living Islam the proper way...far as I can see...the moment each became a "sect" each was not living Islam properly. Islam was meant to unite Muslims...to unite the community into a common understanding and belief. To make Muslims feel safe among each other at least if not among non Muslims. God gave us the Quran as a source of guidance to bring us together and live peacefully with each other...justice always in our thoughts and actions...and yet most Muslims spend all their lives tearing Muslims apart....but they do it with culture. It is culturally not acceptable for Sunnis to marry Shiites and vice versa...God does not forbid Muslims from marrying each other...hell if we can marry Ahal al Kitab(people of the Book) then we can damn sure marry fellow Muslims...and yet Muslims themselves have made "laws" that forbid Muslims from marrying Muslims...the ego of man knows no limits. Arent they both Muslims tho?

Now the ironic twist to this whole fucked up scenario...is that the one man who the girls family assumed would go ballistic and do something apparently violent to her(or maybe the boy) turned out to be the most level headed and genuine Muslim of the whole lot....both families included. When her mother approached him(as her husband is dead so the uncle is the guardian) with this "devastating" news...shaking with assurity that this tragic news would cause fire to explode from his eyes and some sort of mini Jihad of death to automatically take over his thinking skills...he said something quite astounding to everyone who heard it. He quietly commented that if his neice loved this boy...who was he to deny her her choice of a husband? The proverbial pin dropping couldnt have echoed louder among family members near and far. His assumption being that, while he would prefer she marry a Sunni...he has no right to forbid her from marrying this man...no human right...and no Islamic right. Arent they both Muslim then?

I am in awe of this Muslim man that, while professing his identity as a Muslim with his tongue...also professed it with his actions. Something few Muslims are prepared or willing to do. I find this equally inspiring because he lives in a country in which culture is king and true Islamic practice is quite often just a theory.

The end result being that he blessed this marriage while many of her family did not...nor did the boys family. I can only pray that many many more such marriages take place whether the girls family or the boys accept it...because in the end nobody should choose who you marry....or prevent you from marrying who you want....and one way to get "enemies" to reconcile and unite...is to marry among each other...just ask our Prophet...he made alliances with other warring tribes by marrying into them. People often ask why the prophet was allowed more wives then other Muslim men...its because most of his marriages were political...his one desire was to bring the tribes together...to unite them...united tribes become united Muslims eventually. Maybe instead of spending all thier lives trying to tear Muslims apart...Sunnis and Shiites can try bringing Muslims together. A strong ummah will never be realized as long as Muslims are intent to divide themselves with petty hatred and culturally held beliefs that do nothing but bring us down and hold us back...while all God wanted was to raise us up.

I wish these two newly weds much success in life and may they have a happy and long love filled marriage that many Sunni/Sunni or Shiite/Shiite marriages do not...may God bless their marriage...even if their fellow Muslims do not.

Listen to your mother little girls!!

God made pairs in all of creation. As humans we are meant to be paired with another soul in order to find peace and solace...comfort and joy...guidance and acceptance by at least one other person on the planet. A lonely life awaits for those that cant find their other half...

Im 39 years old now and in all of this 39 years I have had men in my life....but no Man. My biological father was a drunk that....while not mean or abusive...just wasnt there. It seemed his whole purpose in life was to donate sperm on the odd occasion my mother allowed him into her bed. She did this more times then she would like to admit to...but I guess she had a soft spot for him. She decided after 4 kids with an absent father that she needed to change herself since waiting for him to change wasnt doing her much good. She divorced my dad...packed her kids and her belongings in a car and off she went....barely old enough to fend for herself much less take care of 4 kids alone.....but sometimes we reach our limit and to accept the situation as it is just cannot be tolerated one more minute. Little did she know she was stepping out of the frying pan into the fire.

Quite soon after she met a tall good looking strong bodied man who took charge and swept her off her feet. Didnt take more than a few weeks to realize that he was a controlling, possessive, jealous, angry man....but it was too late....controlling, possessive, jealous angry men dont let go of the one they subject these emotions to do they. So instead of having an alcoholic for a father...her children now had an emotionally and physically abusive one for a father.

They say that we marry our fathers if we are girls(does that hold true for boys as well) and I would have to agree with that adage as Im living proof. I realized I had married my step-father not long into my marriage...but as was the case with my mother....by then it was too late to unmake the mistake. 20 years later and the mistake has finally been corrected...but at what price?

I have 2 daughters that have only ever known an abusive father...has it all ready been decided for them that they will "marry" their father...or is the choice still up to them? Is there still a chance to correct the emotional damage that has been done and teach them that they deserve better than that...and shouldnt accept anything less?

Im living now without a man in my life...Ive lived my whole life without a Man in my life. I wonder what it would feel like to have a man....a real man....a man that showed compassion and mercy, a man that felt sympathy and remorse...a man that could talk out problems and not beat them into submission...a man that was a honest on the inside as the image he protrayed to the outside world. Does such a man exist out there and am I allowed to have one...or has it been predetermined that I can only ever have what my mother had...and what her mother had(an abusive alcoholic as well)...and are my daughters doomed to living without a real man too because its in our genes or something?

How do we get out of the cycle of violence and abuse...how do we change what seems to be written in stone for us....how do I unteach my daughters what their father taught them...that a man hits when he's angry...that a man shouts when he's angry...that a man belittles and demeans when he's angry...that a man accuses and punishes when he's angry....and that a woman should do all she can possibly do...even if it means to disrespect herself at all costs in order to keep him from being angry. Anger is the monster that must be subdued...is that the kind of marriage that awaits them?

Im sad for my girls...I weep for them. I pray that my mistakes will not be their mistakes. I pray that my failures will not be their failures. I pray that when they are about to make a mistake that will have dire and long reaching affects in their life...that they will listen to me when I point out to them what they are doing...not listening to your mother is what gets most girls into these abusive marriages in the first place. Not listening is what keeps the cycle of violence going round.

I have 3 boys as well....I worry for them about what they have learned about being a man...being a husband...being a father. Are they doomed to lead a life in which being a real Man has little meaning to them...only words...no action? Violence being the means of keeping control...I wonder if they will remember me...remember their sisters when the time comes for them to marry...and the choice is presented to get angry and react...or to calm down and listen. Not listening to your mothers is what turns most boys into angry monsters.

I pray for my children that the angry monster that has dominated their forefathers(or should I say foremothers) will not be a curse on them that they cannot escape....I pray that the monster is dead....death to the monster....may you never rest in peace.